How to Write Smut

One

“Jesus Christ! Will you watch where you’re going!”

“I am so sorry, I really really did not mean to just trip like that! I’m such an idiot, I swear. Um, I could replace that shirt for you? You can actually kind of see your red bra now that it’s soaked with my water, and uh yeah I’ll just stop talking right now because I’m probably making this even more awkward, except awkward is my middle name so it’s not like I can just escape it, you know?”

The woman’s face was bright red, her tinted lips turned downward into a deep, furious scowl as I finally shut my babbling mouth.

Wait, what did I say again? I couldn’t even register half of the words that tumbled out of my mouth.

“Just get away from me,” She finally said, too angry to really speak. I felt like I was talking to a frog; a frog with bright, bleached blonde hair and a gallon of makeup. But hey, I was never one to judge someone if they liked wearing makeup. If they liked wearing makeup, then by god they should be allowed to wear makeup! It’s whatever that floats their boat, you know?

She turned and huffed, carrying herself down the hallway, back towards the bathroom. And I stared down at my now empty and soaked water bottle, my purse still open. I was just opening my bottle to take a sip before I tripped over—what did I trip over again?

I looked over my shoulder to find absolutely no culprits.

I tripped on air.

Yeah, that sounded like something I would do.

No, wait. It wasn’t the air. It was my high heels!

I knew that wearing high heels would be terrible! Me and high heels do not go together. It was like mixing oil and water, or something along those lines. I felt like I was walking on pogo sticks right now, since I was so much higher than I normally was, even though I wasn’t that tall in the first place.

But gosh, I really did strongly dislike high heels.

However, maybe it was also my nerves that were playing a role in this. I was nervous to begin with, so my mind was flying everywhere, coming up with random things.

Oh wow, that guy has a pink tie! It reminds me of that show with the pink cat…what was his name? Oooh, pink panther. Gotcha.

 

I really like that girl’s shirt. It probably wouldn’t look good on me, though. Story of my life.

 

What a cool mustache! Wait…is that a girl?!?!

 

I closed the bottle on my water and forced a sheepish smile at a nearby waiter, who eyed me with an arched eyebrow. How did people manage to lift only one eyebrow? That was something I could never figure out.

Like whistling.

Whistling was an art that only certain were blessed with. I was one of the few who weren’t.