How to Write Smut

Four

Hi, Harry. Or should I call you Mr. Styles? Sorry if I sounded extremely informal…

Anyway, my name is Shay Badcocke. My sister’s friend, Brooke, brought your name up very recently, so I am sending this email to propose -

This wasn’t going well.

I clamped my hands tightly in my lap and buried my face in my hands.

Could I get any more awkward?

Not only was I awkward in person, but gosh, I was also awkward over email.

Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic.

I am sending you this email to propose a business deal (if that’s what it’s called) with you. However, I think it would be more appropriate to talk about the details over dinner.

This sounds stalker-ish, but Brooke also mentioned you lived only a few miles away from where I lived. So I was wondering if we could meet somewhere for dinner, if that wouldn’t be too much to ask?

I hope to hear from you soon.

~Shay

I forced myself to click send and I bit on my lower lip, tugging at the loose ends of my hair. He wasn’t going to reply to me - I was sure of it. He was going to take a single look over it, read what I wrote, and he was going to laugh at how pathetic I was.

Oh god.

I need some chocolate milk.

I got off the chair and hurried into my empty kitchen, pulling out the chocolate milk and pouring me a large sum of it in a glass. I doubted I’d be able to drink all of this, but I felt slightly better when I drank as much as I could.

Now, I wasn’t lying to Harry - or, er, Mr. Styles, in the email. My sister called me two days ago, exhilarated and excited, telling me that Brooke’s ex-boyfriend lived near me and he did these business proposals, kind of like the Wedding Date, where the male went on dates with you and such. It was kind of like a male prostitute, except not as...crude.

Plus, my sister mentioned they got paid more.

But honestly, I was willing to pay this man whatever he asked for. This was literally my key to publishing my book. If I couldn’t do this, my dreams would all go down the drain.

And my parents would be so disappointed in me...no, I have to do this.

I was born a writer. I was a hands-on kind of girl (oh god, this already sounded so wrong).

But I just didn’t know how to put the business proposal into words.