An xReader book?! in THIS economy?!?

[HTF] Nutty x Reader crackfic

A/N: I had great fun making this.

CW: lots of sexual references, excessive cursing

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It was a beautiful day outside. Birds were chirping, flowers were blooming... On days like this you wandered around the streets doing fuck-all.

Suddenly, NUTTY!!!!!!!!!

The town's hottest hottie. My God. He was more than just a snack; he was a five-course meal, periodt. The epitome of sex appeal, the stuff of wet dreams; Splendid ain't got nothing on this man. Not to mention that he had a fat ass. No, not just fat, humongous. You desired that thicc squirrel with all of your heart and genitals.

He, too, happened to be wandering around the streets doing fuck-all. Right away you had so much in common! Your blood-pumping organ convulsed at the thought.

Suddenly he stopped when he spotted something on the ground. He laughed a beautiful laugh "OHUAHUEHUEHEHUA" and you screamed because of how hot it was. But he didn't notice because what he found was a dirty piece of candy so he bent over to pick it up and SWEET LORD OF JESUS. A choir of angels went off in your ears. You had never seen a plumper, more heavenly, more squeezable ass on full display like that. Right then and there you realized that you had to make him yours no matter the cost.

So naturally you didn't talk to him and ran away instead because you were socially awkward. But it wasn't just that. You had to find Toothy and ask him about da wae to Nutty's heart, seeing as the two fucked sometimes so he would probably know.

You swaggered along the grassy meadow in the park and there he was doing gay shit with his best friend Cuddles. They were practicing kissing, as homies do, he was holding him by the waist but then you interrupted.

- Ay shawty can I talk to u for a sec.

- Sure homie whatcha need - He dropped Cuddles, who fell and broke his spine.

- OW MAN WHATTA FUCK!!!!!!

The two of you walked off and you came forward with your burning question.

- So, my greatest broslice homieslice, my one and only slimy potato. How do I get your hoe laid.

He looked at you with bulging eyes of astonishment.

- Ay, you thirst for him?

- Hella - you sighed dreamily. - I mean, what's there not to love? He got that dump truck and juicy moobs, he smells like candy, he's basically a living vibrator... I can't get this thicc bih out of my head. I want a taste of that sussy and I cannot lie.

- A taste of what.

- Sussy. Yanno. Sugar pussy.

- Phew. I thought you were making an amogus reference.

- Ofc not bro, don be stupid.

- I woulda smacked you in yo bitchass mouth so hard.

- But back to my problem plz. I need some tips on how to pick him up. If you're a bro, you gotta help me; this is true love!

- Hmm. Lemme think... - He scratched his head. - I guess you could try talking to him about ligma.

- Bout wha-

- LIGMA FUCKIN BALLS LMAO!!!!!!!

He gave you two middle fingers and ran off cackling. You threw the fingers in disgust, wondering where he got them from.