.consequences.

.one.

The sound of an outgoing call number being punched filled the room, she tapped on the dresser as the phone continued to ring.

Soon, the call ended, and  the voicemail message emitted from the phone speaker.

"... Leave a message at the tone. Hey, I don't know what to say but... I still wish you'd answer. Uh ... I don't know, I know you listen to these, you're voicemail should be full. I'm still surprised my number isn't blocked or ..." Sighing, she runs a hand through her hair, pinching the bride of her nose. "I'm sorry. ... I hope you had a good day..."

She placed the phone down hanging up, sighing heavily, walking to the balcony of the hotel room. It was a cool night, the branches and leaves blowing in the breeze. The small creek flowing with its small lapping waters, the night sky filled with bright stars and the mon overcasted by clouds.

Taking in another deep breathe as a sharp pain stretched throughout her chest. She knew it was because she couldn't let him go, it wasn't healthy. She knew that.

She didn't care.

She gave up trying, no one compared to him. There was a long period of time she was okay, she was living life to the fullest. One morning she woke up from having a dream about him, she forgot about him for two years, and she felt amazing. Then he came back and tortured her mind, she's 22 now and she still can't forget about him when he came into her life at 17 years old.

She gave up fighting because the more she fought, the worse the memories will have effect. Why couldn't he leave her alone. They haven't spoken in over five years, she never got the closure she needed, she didn't understand. She should've gotten over him, why is he still connected?

She scoffed when she heard her cousins voice in her head, replaying words that she told her. She shook her head and laughed it off, still to this day. Even as she laughed about it, there was a heavy weight on her chest and darkening her mood.

She hated it.

Sitting down on the kind size bed, running her grands through her straightened hair, the dark circles under her colored eyes were prominent. Even being on a high dosage of sleeping and anti-anxiety medication, she wasn't able to get an once of sleep. Pulling up her hood and sitting at the desk, she pulled out a bag out of her back pack, she pulled out the contents.

She began to roll and listen to her shuffled music, she began to feel more at ease when she realized that her friends are coming to hangout before she leaves for New Jersey in the morning.

Walking around the room, smoke filling the room, the television playing sitcoms quietly in the background. This was her peace, the only thing that keep him out of her head was when she lit a joint. All the worries and concerns faded away, this was the only thing, in her eyes, that hasn't ruined her life.

Her friends would agree, but still placed worry in their hearts for her. She was beginning to lose weight, quickly, and she was beginning to disappear for longer periods of time.

She disappeared for a month, no explanation, no news, no one heard from her and no one seen her.

They didn't know that she purposely broke her phone while on the road for business, the police found her in Atlanta in a hotel. She was completely fine, she was just stuck in the city until she had enough money to get a new phone and extra cash for the road.

Well, that was lie, she got a new phone and had the money, she just didn't care to come back. She only kept up with her doctor appointments, therapy sessions, and medication. But by the suggestion and discussion with her psychiatrist, she returned home to Pennsylvania.

Depressing wasn't the correct definition for the way she thought about the state. She only stayed because of the people she knew. These people kept her on her toes, kept challenging her to the best version of herself. She couldn't leave, she wouldn't have any social or physical interaction with anybody expect for her mental health. Which went against everything she was learning to do to cope.

Coping wasn't enough, working wasn't enough, friendships weren't enough, self-love wasn't enough. Nothing was enough to keep her distracted or motivated.

The weight of his memory stuck deep and heavy within her chest, a spark of pain reminding her of it all.

She remembers the sun in his eyes, the bright blue sparkling as he looked up at her, a small smile on his face and his skin glowing of happiness and peace. The way it felt when he held her, his voice, his laugh.

All she remembered was him, everything was him. Haunting her, awake or asleep. Her psychiatrist is looking into this particular issue, they had talked and dealt with the problems he gave her. She did well, her psychiatrist seen the change in her as well. She let her client know that maybe this was her time to fully let him go and keep pushing to heal herself.

Her achieved progress was beginning to plummet, in the matter of two days, she got her medications adjusted and more sessions. These things weren't able to keep up and help her work through it.

She was afraid.

What if she truly gives up? Her promise she made to a dear one would've been in vain. That guilt kept her afloat most days as she continued to fight this battle.

The thought of death wasn't scary, it was inviting, that was her hidden fear.

The only thought that replaying in her mind was like a scratched disk...

"I don't want you."