I Choose You

7- Life Goes On

  After I hear no sounds from the room, I turn to go to my room. I get some clothes from the closet and take a shower. When I come out, Bryson is sitting on the bed. His back is to me.

  "I am so sorry for what I said to you, Trinity. I sometimes slip into my old ways and hurt people that I love before they can hurt me. It seems that I know which buttons to push to hurt them the most. The worst thing that I have ever done was hurting you. I am so screwed up in the head. The words that I said last night are not the way I feel." He wipes his eyes, but still doesn't turn to me.

  I sit on the bed with my back to him. Then he continues.

  "You are a great cook. That was true. But I love the fact that Franklin didn't teach you a lot in the bedroom. That leaves the pleasure to me. I don't want any other woman as my lover, my wife. It has always been you. When I went to work for Becky and Tom, I was strung out on any drug I could find. They got me cleaned out. I love and respect them for that. I started thinking that I could build a future for us, you, me, and Ry. So I worked hard and I was doing great. Then you married Franklin and I kinda lost my footing. I didn't get back into drugs. I started drinking again though. When I get drunk, I hurt people. Becky says that I'm a mean son of a bitch when I'm drunk. She won't allow it around her. One night, she recorded me talking when I had a few too many. She's right. I was cruel. So I quit drinking. Last night after we left James, Ryland stopped at a bar. I wanted to come back home, but he said one drink wouldn't hurt. After the first, I couldn't resist. We drank to confronting James. We drank to us getting married. And the babies. And finding the boys. One drink turned into ten. It went on and on." He wiped his eyes again as I wiped mine.

  "Seeing James again just brought back so many terrible memories and so much pain. I wanted to drown it all. Right now the urge to go back to the bar is almost overwhelming."

  "You go back to that bar, or get any type of alcoholic drink from anywhere. I will never speak to you again. You will never see your children. I will not have an abusive alcoholic in my children's lives." I tell him suddenly.

  "I will never pick up another drug or alcoholic drink. I promise you. Can you ever forgive me for my drunken stupidity and the hurtful things that I said to you?"

  "I don't know, Bryson. I put my heart and soul out there and it gets crushed into dust. How can I keep doing that?"

  "I don't know, baby! I'm so fucking lost! I'm....." He stopped. I waited. "I'm scared." He says quietly. "I'm scared of hurting you again. I'm scared of losing you and the babies. I'm scared of losing Ryland and Tyson and Tristan. I'm scared of disappointing you again. I'm scared of dying alone. A broken man."

  I can't stop myself from rounding the bed and sitting in his lap as we both cry. He holds me tightly. After a while, I pull back to look into his bloodshot, swollen eyes.

  "We are all here for you. We all love you. I forgive the words last night. It will take time before I can lay my heart at your feet again. I don't know how long. That depends on you. And how you treat me."

   "Thank you, Trinity! I promise that you won't regret it! I love you so much!" He tries to kiss me and I turn my head.

  I stand and go around the bed. "I won't allow you to kiss me, or make love, until I know for certain that you can love me the way I deserve. I won't tell you that I love you either. It hurts me not to know if I am doing the right thing. I need time, Bryson."

  I lay down with my back to him. "Come to bed."

  I hear him get undressed and feel the bed shift as he climbs in behind me. "Good night, Trin." He kisses my head then lays down.