𝐂𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐃 || 𝐁𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐞 𝐄𝐢𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐀𝐔

Chapter-Twenty-Nine

Elle

I let out a heavy breath as I shut the door to my room. This week has been an internal hell for me. So much school work, and my mom has been on my ass about my sexuality a lot more than usual.

Plus I missed Billie. I know I see her every day but I just missed being with her outside of school, we've both been buried in work this week so we haven't had much time together.

I can feel myself starting to go back into my old ways, and I hate that. I haven't self harmed in a couple weeks, but I can feel the urges coming back. I haven't been eating as much as I should be, I was getting better with it but at the moment I felt like I had just dropped to rock bottom again.

I sighed deeply as I sat against my bed, running my hands through my hair as a few strands came out with it. Confused I did the same thing again watching as more of my hair came out.

"Shit." I mumbled. I picked up my phone to call Billie. I promised I would talk to her whenever I felt bad so that's what I'm doing. She picked up after a couple rings.

"Hey love." She greeted.

"Hi Bil."

"What is it baby? What's wrong?" She asked, I knew she could tell by my tone that something wasn't right.

"I feel like I'm getting bad again."

"Okay. Can you tell me what you're feeling baby?"

I made sure my door was closed before continuing.

"I can feel the urges coming back. My eating is getting bad again. I haven't had a full meal at all this week, just little snacks here and there and my hair's starting to fall out. On top of that my moms been up my ass a lot more than usual."

"Okay do you need me to come over?"

"Could you please? If you're not busy. I-I just feel like if I'm alone for any longer I'm gonna hurt myself and—"

"Love relax." She cut off my rambling. "Don't worry i'll be there in 10. Listen while I'm gone I want you to go get something to eat for me. Like an apple or something okay?"

"Okay. I'll try my best."

"Good. I'll see you soon okay?"

"Okay."

I hung up the phone and choked back my oncoming tears that I could feel coming. I made my way downstairs into the kitchen thankfully my mom was in her room and got some yogurt out of the fridge, I couldn't eat an apple right now. Yogurt was less chewing so it would be easier. I ate it slowly before going back up to my room.

I sat on my bed anxiously bouncing my leg as I stared at my bathroom. My razor was under my sink, I could easily do it. It was right there. Voices in my head kept yelling at me to do it. Saying how much better I would feel afterwards. Without even realizing I had gotten up and made my way to the bathroom, standing in the doorway.

"Elle? What are you doing?" I heard Billie's voice and turned around to see her climbing through my window.

"Nothing." I mumbled, quickly walking over to her to engulf her in a much needed hug. She instantly wrapped her arms around me and held me tightly, slightly swaying us back and forth.

"You wanna talk about it?" She asked me softly.

"I feel like shit Billie. But I also feel like I shouldn't feel like shit because for once I'm actually content with my life. But it feels like it's too good to be true and I'm just waiting for something bad to happen."

"That's normal baby. You're at a point in your life where you actually feel happy, but because of your past you feel like you can't be happy. You're self sabotaging yourself because you feel like that's what you deserve. It's totally normal to feel that way, my love."