" Matters of the heart can be terribly perplexing. One minute you have it all jotted down in your mind how you are your own person and matters of love and companionship and the shenanigans that comes with the disease called attachment will never be topics of attention but the next minute, you find yourself calmly drowning in the sea of that which was once forbidden completely oblivious of the dangers therein.
What is love? I constantly voiced this question but no answer came fourth. Luckily, over the years, I learnt that it takes more than love to make that engine start and it definitely takes more than the butterflies swirling in your stomach to sail a ship. Its not always a walk in the park; today, you and your lover can have your hands tightly locked to each other, and the next day, you want your hands wrapped up only to yourself. Probably bonding is man's biggest downfall or we just have a tendency of picking rotten fruits.
How two people can be so engrossed with each other only to hate each other tomorrow surpasses my own understanding, can't we just be loving, kind and faithful to each other forever? Can I just be the woman you love and adore all day and everyday without making me feel like I have to beg for a second of your time? Must I always be on the battle field for you?
Oh how adamant can my heart be? My eyes have seen and my ears have heard that the war I wage will only lead to defeat yet my hand picks up the sword and my feet match to the field escorted with tears and a heart that desperately beats for a victory that will never come. The one I fight for comfortably watches from the arena, arms folded and stomach full; he quietly observes as I make a fool of myself, besides him are the concubines am suppose to be fighting.
Actions speak louder than words, but still, I wait in despair for him to shout am no longer bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh but he never utters a word, instead he draws far and far away from me, completely discarding the moments we shared and the memories we so happily made.
Bitterness envelopes my troubled mind and my kind yet feeble heart fervently tries to revive the love that was once there even if it will not be offered to him but in anguish I yearn for him, I crave for his presence and his love more than anything I have ever known. The thought of him with another burns with an unquenchable fire. I ponder on what exactly he saw in her that he did not see in me. Should I have been more out spoken and suave as she was or should I have dressed provocatively just to have him all to myself as she now does? I sigh in defeat, mama always said comparison kills faster than poison, but in this case, the antidote has become the poison.
I vividly recall how her laughter dominated the atmosphere full of warmth and love, I was fast drawn to her but the little voice within me said she was bad news but my heart, oh my kind yet feeble heart urged me to find reason,''thou shall not think evil against her,'' it whispered. Evil had inhabited my home and before I could place my hands on it, light had already departed.''
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A Lover's Sin
RomanceCrippled by pain, silenced by regret and a yearning that will never be satisfied.
