Through The Dark [Oliver Sykes]

Twenty Six - Seen It All Before

[Amelia]

Oliver was looking at me with the saddest pair of eyes I had ever seen, so it wasn't difficult to understand what he was about to say. He placed his right hand on mine which was on my thighs and stared at me.

"I just want to thank you for being here with me", his accent thickened a little while he struggled to find words, "and I want you to know I don't regret inviting you, you've been amazing at your job. Amazing to me". His eyes were looking at the floor, so I made him look at me lifting his chin.

"Hey, I told you I'm happy to be here and I'm having a great time. Why are you sad?"

"This is difficult", he softly moved away from my grasp, "you're so thoughtful to me and I don't know if I can give it back to you", he started fidgeting with his fingers, "I'm messed up, Amy".

He wrapped me in a hug, but my hands didn't move from my sides. I was so confused my lips froze and no words came out, or any movement from my body whatsoever. He looked at my lack of reaction and furrowed his brow.

"What are you saying?", I suddenly blurted.

"I want us to finish the tour and then... Maybe take some time off away from each other?", he hesitated and I felt my head spinning.

"Is that what you really want?", I'd been anticipating this but now it was becoming real.

"I don't know", he sat straighter on the sofa, "I feel confused, suffocated".

"Am I suffocating you?", I stood up and started walking in front of the sofa, "Is this because of your friend Alicia?", he directed a quick look at me and frowned.

"No, no, she has nothing to do with this", he stood next to me, both his hands were gripping my shoulders, "I'm the one who's not in a good place and I don't want to drag you down with me", he pressed me into his chest into a tight hug.

We lingered like that for a while, only hugging and hearing each other breathing. I couldn't speak and he didn't want to. Some tears began streaming down my cheeks, remembering the adorable moments we spent together on this tour, and how amazing we could be if he just let himself be loved. I wanted to scream to his face how much I liked him and how I got to fall for his amazing being.
But I also understood his position, and why he didn't want to take this, whatever this relationship was, into something deeper. I wouldn't like it myself, so I kind of agreed with this decision. It was good while it lasted, I guess.

We broke off the hug and he saw me cry and cried with me. His tears were not as heavy as mine, but we both had strong feelings for each other. He was just afraid. I wanted to tell him I'd wait for him, but that was not fair to me. I deserved someone who wasn't scared to love me and scream it from the rooftops. Carefully, he wiped my face with his hoodie sleeve and moved some locks of hair behind my ear.

"You're the most beautiful woman and any man would be the luckiest to have you in his life", he looked down and took a deep breath, "I hate myself for doing this, I don't want you to suffer".

"It's okay Oli", I caressed his cheek, "I understand".

"We can still sleep in the same room these remaining nights, nothing has to change yet".

"It already has", I smiled faintly and moved away from him, "I'd better go get my stuff, I prefer sleeping alone".

He stood there while he saw me walk towards the receptionist's desk at the entrance and ask for a new room for tonight. I wasn't going to turn my back to look at him because I was already using all my willpower not to come out of this building screaming and crying to never come back.
I would hold my position and fulfill my job as the social media manager of the band until we finished in York. Work was an important part of my life and I wouldn't let romance and heartbreak get in the way. I would be a total professional.

When I went upstairs to our room, Oliver wasn't there. I grabbed my camera bag and my suitcase and started packing everything hastily: clothes, shoes and personal items. The hotel had assigned me a room two floors below so I wouldn't see Oliver or any of the boys. Emma called me to ask how I was and I told her what had happened in between sobs and tears. She begged me to go to her room so we could talk and so I did.

We spent all afternoon together, she ordered lunch from room service and even wrapped me in a woolen blanket like a little baby. Jordan came to the room and when he hugged me, I could see pity coming through his gaze. I didn't want to be the brokenhearted, the girl whose fantasy had been terminated, but I truly was so I'd better embrace it. 

At 7 pm Craig texted us all to go into the minivan to head to the venue for the last Manchester show. I sat at the back next to Emma, who wouldn't leave me alone tonight. Oliver was at the front, headphones on and not talking to anyone. His look was gloomy and he wouldn't let go of that beanie he had on his head. I don't think he even changed his clothes or had a shower before coming.

During soundcheck, I only took a couple of pictures just to have something to post on stories and went back to the dressing room. Emma was waiting for me, coffee cup in hand. She gave me a pep talk and told me I could do this, that I was the strongest woman she'd ever met and no man could bring me down.
I followed Oli with my gaze as he walked around the room, still listening to his music and not speaking. He didn't even look in my direction. They all got ready and left for the stage.

The show was going as always, but you could tell Oliver was not his usual, energetic self. I positioned myself at the front of the stage, my "BMTH staff" ID card hanging from my neck, snapping away. It made my heart sting when I had to zoom on him and I tried my best to make him look like he was having a great time, even though he clearly wasn't.
They were going through the last part of their set when Oliver talked to the crowd and said they were going to end the show with a song they didn't usually perform called "Seen it all Before", causing the audience to burst into cheering.

He started slowly, a soft melody, almost speaking. The crowd sang along with him, they all knew the lyrics.
When the heavy guitars broke, he came to the edge of the stage near me. I took a few steps back and pointed at him with my camera, as he kept singing.

"Are we close enough?
There is something I must confide
I think we've lost our touch
There's no sparkle in those eyes
What an awful mess I've made
There's nothing left to save"

We locked eyes as I put my camera down, and he was singing to me.
During the bridge of the song, he came even nearer and squatted right in front of me, screaming into his microphone in the end.

"I'm sorry love, it's not enough
We shouldn't feel the love so painfully
It hurts right to the touch
I know it stings, I know it cuts
And I wish I could agree with you
But fuck this love, it's not enough".

The song ended and he was gasping for air, mouth half-open, staring into my eyes. The microphone landed on the ground with a thud when he let it go and they all left the stage, leaving the crowd in a haste.

I came to the conclusion that this was his way of saying sorry for everything that happened and the way it did. He couldn't talk but he could express himself through his art. I had never heard that song but now it all made sense. As he said, love was not enough. He was still hurting and he needed the space. Of course, I was going to give it to him.

Except I wouldn't be there if he ever wanted to return.