Through The Dark [Oliver Sykes]

Twenty Seven - No Room For Cheats

[Oliver]
[Hours before]

I felt like shit. This was as if someone was carving my heart with a sharp knife while it was beating inside my chest. Having Amy cry in my arms after telling her about how I felt was devastating. She didn't deserve any of this, but I couldn't do anything else because I'm a fucking coward, I'm afraid to love and be loved again.
The moment a good thing comes my way I just fucking ruin it and push it away. I guess this is how I'd end up, a complete coward and alone.

We had a show to give today but I wasn't feeling it. When we got into the minivan on our way to the venue, I didn't want to talk to anybody. Matt made a couple of jokes but I didn't laugh or even look in his direction, just put my headphones on and blasted music that made me not think. I saw Amy in the back from the corner of my eye, she was sitting next to Emma, sunglasses on. She must be feeling worse than I did, and must be hating my existence.
I sank on my seat and just hoped everything was over soon so I could curl up in bed and feel miserable at peace in my room. This was going to be the first night sleeping away from her and would feel different and lonely. I wasn't looking forward to it.

During soundcheck, I did everything robotically, testing the microphone, checking projections with some of the roadies, helping Lee and harmonizing with Jordan. I could feel the hole in my chest getting bigger and bigger and my head started to ache a little. Amy stood at the side of the stage, taking pictures and not talking to anyone. At a certain moment, I took hold of the setlist sheet and crossed out the last song which was always Drown, and wrote another one over it. Jordan looked at me squinting his eyes, but didn't say anything else. I know he'd get it.

Later in the dressing room, we crossed paths with Amy but I couldn't even look up in case I met her eyes and my whole world fell apart. Emma was standing by her side at all times. I was glad she was keeping her company, she was the best woman ever and Jordan was so lucky to have her.

The show unfolded as planned, but I wasn't there. I just sang and performed the way people wanted me to, swearing and cheering to the crowd. When the last song came, that's when it happened. Seen it All Before was a song we rarely played because it had a deep meaning to me, but tonight it felt right. I knew Amy didn't know it, but the lyrics were just perfect. It was the only way I could find to express myself to her. She was standing in front of the stage, professionally taking pictures, but we had a little intimate moment during the last part. I sang my heart out, and at that moment I wanted to hug her and tell her everything was going to be alright.
The crowd went mad when we finished, but I just wanted to run away from there. Amy disappeared as soon as the show ended, I didn't see her backstage, and Emma wasn't there either. I guessed they must've left together.

During the Architects show, I sat on the dressing room sofa, wearing my headphones again. The rest of the boys were watching Sam and his crew perform, so I could find my moment of solitude.
But it didn't last long since Alicia crashed next to me on the cushions.

"What are you doing here?", I could hear her say over the music, distantly. I took off the headphones and smiled at her faintly.

"Nothing really, just wanted to be alone".

"Oh", she hesitated, "I'll leave you to it then", she rose from the sofa but I grabbed her arm to stop her.

"It's okay, you don't bother me", she smiled at me and sat back, crossing her legs on the seat.

"You don't look so good, how are you?"

"I've been better", I replied, my eyes looking down.

"You know you can talk to me, right?", I nodded, "what's wrong?"

It took me a while to look for the right words and I felt my lower lip trembling a little. I tried to explain to her what was happening, without going into much detail. She sighed and caressed my hands with hers. I didn't cry but I wanted to, she had always been a great listener and I knew I could trust her. We remained silent for a good portion of time while we heard the show from afar.
When everybody returned to the dressing room, Sam was hyped and suggested going for a drink to a bar nearby. Alicia insisted I went with them to get my mind off things for some hours, to which I agreed.