Liability

Baby really hurt me

You assumed that the pain of an unrequited love was something that would only haunt you until a certain age. That when you got older, when you no longer daydreamed of Meg Cabot novels and listened to Taylor Swift songs that you could not relate to (although they hurt all the same), your heart would've been mature enough to understand that hurting over something so beyond your control was unreasonable and a waste of precious time. Wasn't that how things worked? Didn't you wake up one day knowing better than to cry for a boy that didn't even know your name? That didn't even care for you?
And perhaps that was the factor that you had not accounted for: this boy knew your name. This boy knew the lyrics to your favorite songs and your favorite Brooklyn 99 character, could quote their lines just like you. This boy had seen you through an awkward pre-adolescent stage and cried with you at your high school graduation. He knew you like you were one  of those Hamilton songs you memorised, line by line, both acts and all the mixtapes.
How could it be, you wondered, well into your third glass of wine at a dinner party you had no interest being at, that he knew so much and yet he was painfully unaware of the thing that shaped so much of who you were?
Maybe he knew. Maybe, you mused watching people laugh between bites and sips of whatever alcoholic drink was being served, maybe he always knew but just pretended he didn't to protect you from humiliation. That seemed like something he would do, right?
Maybe, and that particular thought was one you entertained on a daily basis, maybe he really had no idea and the only thing holding you apart was the words you didn't have the courage to say and maybe, God, just maybe, he felt the same,
You scoffed quietly to yourself, knocking back the glass and reaching for the bottle that had yet to leave your side. How ridiculous you sounded, even in your own head.
"Hey, hey, hey" a voice said over you shoulder and your whole body responded to it, paradoxically relaxing your posture like the weight of the world had left you while your heart clenched so painfully and tensefully you thought it would finally give out "Take it easy, Y/N, you don't wanna get hammered tonight, do you?"
"Actually" you answered, turning around slightly on your chair "I do, thank you for asking, So if you could make yourself useful and get me something with a real alcoholic percentage like, I don't know, tequila or hand sanitizer that would be great."
Taehyung smiled, that boxy smile that charmed every single human on earth and made your heart demand compensation for all the damage caused. Wasn't there a theory that humans adapted to survive? How could it be that even after being exposed to that stupid geometric grin you had not yet become accostumed or numb to it? Explain that, Darwin?
Science was bullshit. You've always thought so. You consider barging into a science lecture and screaming that the earth is flat just out of spite.
"No, I don't think so. Tonight's important and I need you sober." he reached over you to take your glass, crowding your space so casually, hand touching the exposed skin of your back without flinching, a true testament of how little you affected him.
"Literally no one needs me sober. I can't do half of the party tricks I know before my fourth glass. What can I offer sober?"
"Your personality."
"That's disgusting. No one wants that."
"I do. Am I no one?"
You snorted. You wished! You wished he was no one, a stranger you saw once in the subway and thought wow I'd climb that man like a tree right before the doors closed and you never saw him again.
"Don't you have a girlfriend to bother, Taehyung?" The words left a bitter taste in your mouth and you stole your drink back from him to wash it away.
He pouted and sat by the empty seat right next to you, the one that no one ever seemed to take "Haewon kicked me out of the kitchen, said I was getting in her way. So I came to find you."
"Ah, yes, the second option. Love that for me." You smirked, the universal signal for making fun of things that were actually serious.
"You're ridiculous."
"This is my personality. That's what you said you wanted, remember?"
Taehyung smiled, but it seemed tense, lips close and eyes downcast. "Are you okay?" you asked, frowning.
He nodded "Just nervous."
"What are you nervous about? Do you want me to get that hand sanitizer and fix you up with some gel margarita cause I saw on a Tik Tok how to..."
"I asked Haewon to marry me."
It was only the absolute shock that held you from crying, from sobbing like you had the first night he showed up with a girlfriend that he looked at like she held all the secrets to the universe in her eyes. Your entire system shut down, body locking like someone had dropped a bucket of ice down the back of your dress.
"She said yes."
That was the moment that all the songs, films, poems and cheap novels warned you about. That was the "Oh" in italics, the drop of the drums and silent sad piano in the back. God, that was the love baby of a Lorde song and a never updated slow burn fic, a Friends to Lover published five years ago with no new chapters.
You really thought you knew heartbreak, you assumed you had seen the worst of it, you thought you had let your hope pour out of your body and die on the floor of the restaurant where you met Haewon, where you compared yourself to her and came in second in every aspect you chose to evaluate.
And yet here you were, air knocked out of your chest as a part of you that you didn't know lived still somehow managed to die.
"I was going to tell you later, when we announced to everyone" he continued, still so oblivious to you "but I can't keep anything from you."
You wished he could. You wished he kept himself from you. It was probably the alcohol, maybe all the hurt, but right then you'd sell your past and every single happy memory with Taehyung just so you could not feel like you did.
"Y/N, please say something." he smiled, but it was strained and his eyes looked scared.
"I don't even know what to say" that would be the only true statement you'd give him throughout the rest of that night, every other word filled with lies and selflessness, alcohol and self-hatred "I'm so happy for you, wow!" Lie number one burned its way out the back of your throat.
"Yeah?"
"Of course! Can't you see I'm holding back tears? I'm trying not to ruin the surprise!"
Taehyung's smile widened, the apprehension leaving his eyes as if your approval was all he needed "Really? You don't know how much this means to me! I don't even know what I would've done if you didn't approve..."
I don't,  you thought and the burn of the lies you told couldn't even compare to the words you kept swallowing. Your chest was on fire, stomach twisting.
"You're like the most important person in my life..."
I'm not though, I don't even know what that feels like. I'm not even the most important person in my own life.
"And you know she's perfect for me. She's the one, you know?"
I know. I'm so aware of it all the time, I might as well tattoo it.
"I would be so stupid to not go after it, right?"
You would be like me. I would never want that for you.
"Right." you whispered and he nodded, satisfied with your answer "I'm gonna go to the bathroom before I start crying and ruin the announcement."
"I'd tell people you're crying because I showed you a puppy video."
"That's truly the perfect lie, let's not waste it now. I'm sure I'll be doing a lot more crying so it's best to save up."
Before he could say anything else, you stood up and left. You dragged yourself through the house like a Victorian ghost, stopping only to get another bottle of wine that you had all the intention to chug like a college student. Opening the bathroom door, you threw yourself behind it, closing with the weight of your body and slipping to the floor, till you sat on the cold tiles and looked every bit like the miserable person you were.
This used to hurt so much less when you were just teenagers, when getting married and building a life with someone else was a distant nightmare. When love could still be called a crush, when hope made you try and shape yourself into a person you thought he'd want. But adulthood just had to make everything  worse, didn't it? Tax season and alcoholism wasn't enough, no, growing older was watching your best friend and love of your life build a family while you still avoided making your own doctor's appointment. It would be watching yourself fade in the back, every relationship ruined by the feelings you carried like a sentence while Taehyung planned on having kids and bought his first house and you could do nothing but cry about it on your secret Twitter account.
You hated here.
You lost track of time as you hid in there, watching the wine slowly disappearing like an hourglass. You probably cried, maybe sobbed, but your body was so overwhelmed that you couldn't even be sure.
"Hey, Jungkook" you heard a voice say behind the door, so sweet that it could only belong to Haewon "have you seen Y/N?"
"No, I haven't. Have you checked the back?"
"No, I'm going there now. Thanks."
The sound of steps gave you a little relief, but it was short lived. The door suddenly opened, throwing you forward and making the bottle in your hand tilt dangerously sideways.
"Fuck, I'm so sorry." someone said, stepping in the bathroom and kneeling near you.
You could vaguely recognize the guy as Haewon's younger brother. You didn't remember his name, but he was beautiful enough that you remembered him from previous parties you had been forced to attend. He looked worried, eyes strangely kind for someone who looked like was a part of a motorcycle gang.
"Hey, you're Y/N, right?"
"Unfortunately."
"Unfortunately?" he closed the door behind him, probably sensing that your pitiful appearance should be kept in secret.
"I kinda wished I was someone else right now." you answered, probably confusing the hell out of the (probably) biker dude.
"Like who?"
Haewon "Fiona."
"Who?!"
"Fiona. You know, from Shrek? She went through a lot, poor Fiona. But she still found someone who loved her for what she truly was and got her family and heard the Fairy Godmother performing I Need a Hero live. That song was a cultural reset, you know?"
Biker dude looked at you, mouth gaping and brows arched in his confusion, like he didn't even know what to say to that, but you didn't care if he understood you, you just kept going.
"Her family had all these expectations for her, but in the end she found Shrek and Shrek loved her for what she already was, you know? Not for her potential, not because she was royalty. He loved her, ogre and all. He loved her even through the third and fourth movie, which were just not good."
"The third wasn't so bad."
"Okay, who the fuck are you?"
Biker dude looked surprised, perhaps a little disappointed "I'm Jungkook. Haewon's brother? I'm pretty sure we've met before."
"Right, of course. Sorry Jungkook. I drank a little tonight."
He stared at the empty bottle by your side "A little?"
"Quantity is a social construct."
He smiled, but you didn't see. You were staring at the ground, letting your hair fall around your face to hide your tear stained cheeks.
"So... They're getting married, huh" he said and you had no idea why he was trying to start a conversation, but there he was, slipping to the floor right next to you, leaning his tattoed arms on his knees.
"Did they announce it already?"
"Yup" Jungkook answered and something about his voice made you look at him.
"You don't seem so happy about it." you stated, like yourself weren't absolutely sobbing about it a few minutes ago "Do you not like Taehyung? Be careful, there is a wrong answer here."
"No, he's a cool guy. I like him a lot. It's just... " he sighed and it sounded so tired that you found yourself turning fully to him "My family is very traditional and Haewon getting married is just going to put a lot of pressure on me to get married as well."
"And you don't wanna get married" you assume and he shrugs.
"Hard to get married when the person you like barely knows your name."
If you hadn't drank every drop of alcohol in the house, you'd drink to that "It's better if they don't know your name, trust me. Hurts so much more when they know you and still don't want you."
Jungkook shot you a strange look, half sympathetic half absolute horror "Oh my God, you're in love with Taehyung."
"You know, normally I would deny it with an Oscar worthy performance but I'm holding my last bit of dignity to tell your sister that I'm happy for her without sobbing."
The silence that followed your statement was nothing less than the most uncomfortable seconds of your life. In hindsight, telling Haewon's brother that you were in love with her soon to be husband was the second dumbest thing you did that night.
The first was showing up at all.
"Did you tell him?"
"God, no. Not only I would never do that to your sister, but even if I was brave enough he'd never choose me."
"Why do you say that?"
"Boy, have you seen your sister? I would choose her too."
Jungkook shrugged "She's great, sure, but I'm sure you're just as great."
A single tear fell down your cheek, even though you thought you had cried yourself dry. It had been so long since someone that wasn't Taehyung complimented you "You're too kind."
He gave you a tense smile and didn't say anything for a while, but the silence was less suffocating this time,
"You're not telling her, are you?" you asked just to be sure, but he didn't seem like he'd say anything,
"No, of course not."
"Thank you" the alcohol took control of the two brain cells in your head, tilting it sideways until you were half leaning on his large shoulder "you are very nice."
You did not notice how his body stiffened and then relaxed, too stuck in your own head.
"We should go back out." he said after a while, although he seemed to hate the idea just as much as you.
"Or we could climb out of the window. You go first and catch me and then..."
Before you could finish your thought and ask him to help you move to Peru and change your name to Carlos, the door opened sending you both flying.
"Am I interrupting something?"
Taehyung's voice was full of mirth and teasing, much to your chagrin. Jungkook, standing up quickly and sending you a look full of pity, extended his hand to help you up even though all you wanted was to stay down until the ground swallowed you.
"Yes, Jungkook and I were having pationate sex and we were going to elope to steal your thunder." you answered, not noticing how his cheeks got red at your bluntness.
But Taehyung did.
"You two would make a great couple. It's actually nice that I got you both here cause there's something we wanted to ask you... Hold on, let me get Haewon." he left the bathroom, and your body sagged against Jungkook. You could feel his hand shaking as he patted your shoulder gently.
Too soon, Taehyung was back hand in hand with his girlfriend. She looked great, radiant even, basking in the happiness of their announcement.
You wished you could hate her, you really did. But she was the nicest person you've ever met and you'd never be able to treat her poorly just because God picked her as His favorite,
"Y/N!" she said, hugging you warmly "I haven't seen you all night."
"Hm, yeah." you said awkwardly "I was hm, playing hide and seek with Jungkook here."
"Took me a while to find her."
"I'm really good. I have a middle school friend still looking for me."
Taehyung shot you a funny look while Haewon just shook her head at your antics.
"I knew you two would get along." she said, reaching to pinch her brother's cheeks "You just have so much in common!"
The burden of rejection was hardly the common denominator you were looking for in your friendships, but she wasn't wrong and the thought made you laugh.
"I guess we do."
"So, there's something we wanted to ask of you guys and it would mean the world to us if you'd say yes..." Haewon started and much like a cliche horror movie you could already predict the end of that sentence, and it only brought pain.
"We wanted you guys to be the best man and maid of honor!" Taehyung completed, eyes sparkly with expectations, smiling like he offered you the greatest honor and not just danced on top of the already shattered pieces of your heart.
You hoped he didn't know. You hoped you had truly hidden that well, because if he knew... You kind of hated him. Hated him for putting you through this. Hated him for making you say yes, hated him for watching Haewon hug you with so much adoration in his eyes, hated him for making you cry brand new tears and lie about them like you've been doing for so long.
When he hugged you, you hated him like you've never did. You hated the feeling of home, the way his hands fit on your waist like the dips in your skin were made for him. You hated him so much for wanting you so close but never close enough.
But when you pulled back, you saw him hold you with one hand, the other holding Haewon's. A diamond ring sparkled in her finger, the same one you had showed him at the mall one day and said how you wouldn't get married if it wasn't with it, and you knew then you could never hate him nearly as much you hated yourself.