I Am a Girl

First Entry

Entry; Number 001.

January 13. 2015

First Entry.

Hi, my name is Alice. Alice Evergreen. I am 16 years old, from Clarksville, Ohio. My name is not actually Alice, it’s Alex. I am not a male. I was born one, I am no longer one. My online therapist suggested I write in a diary/ journal for a bit, for a way to ‘Cope’ with all the stress in my life at the moment. I have been diagnosed with Gender dysphoria. Other wise known as, ‘Transgender’. I have a penis, I get it and I know. That doesn’t make me a man. My family is extremely hateful towards who I am, and my lifestyle. I can’t change who I am. I’ve tried explaining many times that I can’t do anything and they just… disagree. 

I find a liking to female clothes, I think purple is my favorite color, a light one. I never really was interested in the male section of clothes. My dad would yell at me because I wasn’t ‘the son he wanted’. I don’t think he knows how hurtful he is. 

When I was fourteen, I started going on steroids that made me unable to grow facial hair and have a higher pitch voice. I remember my father finding out, and throwing my bottle of pills out the window. It hurt, it hurt like hell. He pulled out some of my clothes and ripped them in my face, as my mother stood. Still, watching him do what he did. She knew that she couldn’t do anything without putting herself throw more pain. He hit me, telling me I was a ‘drag’. I cried all that night, sobbing into my pillow. The next day, I threw on my male clothes. I said I was heading into town to buy some more boyish clothes. He smiled, and gave me seventy dollars to buy some more. I left, feeling horrible in these clothes. I hated them, they weren’t me. I bought myself a few male jeans and got a shirt. I also bought myself some more makeup, as I was running out of red lipsick. I shoved all the makeup in my pockets and hid the few female things I bought in the bottom of the bags.  I walked in my home, my dad seemed as if nothing even happened last night. He patted me on the back, telling me that this was better. I pretended to laugh and crack a joke and head into my room. I ran in, and locked the door fast behind me. I put my male clothes into my dresser, as I shoved my female supplies under my bed. I sighed with relief, hoping the day would end so I could head to school. A whole other world filled with another hell.