Quiet

Chapter 2 - No Filter

Months later I'm hiding in a hotel room in Daikanyama with Alan Lord. He has no police authority in Japan, but he's an old family friend and an FBI agent who'll try to protect me.

Unless we're found first, I'll tell him everything.

It began that November evening with Cynthia in Roppongi. Even earlier, really, when I sensed something eavesdropping on my thoughts.

***

Cynthia waits under the tall spider statue. She faces a nearby skyscraper and the main escalator out of the subway, toggling between them on the lookout for me.

I can't see her face completely, but I don't think she's wearing make-up. It's November, but her black jeans and light orange sweater remind me of Halloween and parties in elementary school. Cynthia never dressed as a princess. She always dressed as a witch, and her favorite prop was a necklace of eyeballs. She wore it every year.

Most people in the crowd are dressed like office workers, but some are students in uniform or tourists. The movie theater, a museum, and a hotel are a short distance away through the mildly chill air. Cynthia's alone, so I relax, which probably means I don't have the energy to impress unknown boys after all. My shoulders drop like forgotten origami, because I relax too much. Dipped in sadness, I stop moving. I have to fight it off, or I'll be no fun.

I touch my necklace, even though I know my appearance is immaculate. If I missed something, my mother fixed it before I got out of the car. I straighten my peach-colored bomber jacket. I'm trying to impress Cynthia, I guess. If she remembers my father's identity, she must remember everything. She's the only person who knows I wanted him to find me. She's the only person who made me laugh so much ever. Maybe she can do it again.

She spots me. I unfreeze, except inside. I move forward and reach out. Cynthia zeros in on my face in surprise. Her cheekbones are so prominent and strong. She raises her arms for a hug, but she's probably aghast. She probably changes her mind about meeting me.

I speed up. I can't help it. It's like someone cut open my stomach and my guts are shooting out. My whole miserable life pours out of my eyes just as Cynthia gets her arms around me. "Oh my God, you're not alright," she says. "You're such a liar."

I can't see her face. Mine is buried in her neck as she holds the back of my head. "I'm sorry," I say.

"Don't be. You're my favorite angsty friend." Her lips touch my ear. "Now tell me to shut up."

"Shut up." The words sputter into her orange sweater. I try to stop soaking her clothes with tears, but she doesn't let go of me. I can't believe I'm crying, sobbing like the betrayed. I can't believe I let her hold me. This is a public plaza under the huge spider statue where there might be a webcam, but I can't stop. My mother won't let me do this at home, which makes me bawl more. I don't know if I'm crying about that or my father, who'll never find me or look for me now. I'm also crying, because Cynthia's alone, and I can't ask if boys are on the way, because that's so superficial and I'm too tired to be entertaining anyway. Cynthia's right to meet me alone. "I'm a pathetic train wreck," I say. "Sorry."

"Cry all you want, Makiko. Everyone's a train wreck." She's serious. I can feel it in the tender way she squeezes me. She's trying to massage out the guilt and hurt.

I'm such a bad time. She'll never want to see me again. I finally get enough air between sobs. "I can't believe I'm crying. I'm so sorry." An apologetic, Japanese stereotype. I'm so ugh.

She moves hair off my face and smiles. "It's okay. I missed you. You're a funny, beautiful weirdo, and I love you."

I snort - a laugh mixed with a sob, because it's like she's teaching me how to be a lover. Maybe I am bi, because I imagine we kiss, but I don't go for one. That would make me an evil tease, and I shouldn't seek that kind of attention from her. Cynthia thinks my wet face is beautiful. I laugh again, better this time, but my laugh is still a strange crying one, like two brains via for control of me. "I bet you say that to all the girls." I manage to look at her nose.