And it's only us (A Dear Evan Hansen single parent au)

Chapter 1

It had been one week since it felt like time stood still. One week of Tilly asking Connor when Evan would come home. One week of Tilly whining about how she missed her dad. One week of Connor being stretched so thin he couldn't handle it anymore.

He sat on the living room sofa, blanket wrapped around his shoulders and the television filling the background silence with a soft noise. There was a lasagna sitting in the freezer Connor could bake for dinner that some of his coworkers had dropped off— not that he had been to work since the accident— but he didn't have the energy to get it.

Connor missed him. He missed Evan's wonderful home-cooked meals, the smile Evan brought when he entered a room, how good Evan was with calming Tilly down after a nightmare, everything. It felt empty without his personality there.

In the middle of Connor's spacing out, a familiar voice called his name, forcing him to snap back to reality and rush to his daughter's playroom.

"Tilly? Are you okay?" He asked, plastering on a happy face and kneeling in front of the small girl

"I have a question, daddy,"

"Alright, my sunshine," Connor sat back into one of the small chairs amongst the mess of toys and placed her on his lap, "what's your question?"

"When is papa coming home?"

It was like a bullet struck him in the chest.

You could have cut the silence with a knife. Connor knew she didn't know how loaded that question was, to be fair, he hadn't told her about the accident yet. The look on her face alone was enough to break his heart. Connor knew he needed to tell the truth, but the idea of her reaction sent shivers down his spine.

"Tilly... baby, papa isn't... coming home,"

"Why not?" Tilly asked, head down and playing with the stuffed rabbit in her hands. Connor sighed and placed his hands atop hers, stopping her movements and making her glance up at him.

He could feel his eyes start to shut as tears welled up. "Papa died, Til, he won't be coming back,"

The room was silent, if a pin fell you'd hear it clear as day. It took Tilly some time to process the fact that Evan would never be coming back, and that she'd have to grow up without him in her life.

Connor watched as her shoulders fell and her eyes drooped down, allowing the tears that had been building up to start rolling down her cheeks. "I want papa to come back!" She cried.

Connor quickly wrapped his little girl in his arms and kissed the top of her ginger curls. "I know, Tilly, I do too,"

~

Three days had gone by since Tilly learned what had truly happened to her father, and the funeral had finally arrived. The young toddler was dressed in a little black dress with her hair done up in her usual fishtail braids, and she carried around the small blue stuffed rabbit that Evan had given her when she turned three.

She and Connor had arrived early, making sure everything was set and soon, the family started coming in. Heidi walked in with Jared and when she saw them, Tilly let go of her father's hand and ran into her grandmother's arms.

"Grammy! Uncle J!" She cheered as Heidi picked her up.

"Hi, my brave girl," The older woman smiled at her granddaughter, "how are you doing?"

"I miss papa,"

She kissed the side of the girl's face, leaving it rosy, whispering how much she missed Evan too. Connor walked down towards them, immediately being crushed in a hug from his mother-in-law and Jared.

People swarmed in one by one; the Murphys, Charlotte, Cordelia, Olivia, extended family and friends, and even some of Evan's co-workers, all there to pay respects to a wonderful man.

Everyone was asked to take their seats shortly after. As the man began to speak, there was not one dry eye in the mourning crowd. Connor had his head buried in Heidi's shoulder, dampening it with his tears.

Suddenly, he felt a weight around his waist. He looked down and saw his daughter, wrapping her arms around his midsection and hugging her father as tightly as she could. "Thank you, Tilly," Connor smiled sympathetically.

The funeral ended after Connor and Heidi gave their speeches, having everyone directed to where they would be burying Evan's coffin, though some stayed behind to speak to Connor and Tilly. While Connor was preoccupied with Cordelia and Charlotte, their daughter, Olivia, waddled over to Tilly.

"My mommy and mama told me to say I'm sorry for your loss," Olivia mumbled, looking down at her shoes before hugging her best friend.

"Thanks, Livvy," Tilly giggled.

Not too far over, the three gays stood together, teary-eyed and mourning the loss of their dear friend and husband. For the last two minutes, Charlotte had been apologizing profusely, thinking that it had been her fault she couldn't save Evan.

"Connor, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I couldn't save him-"

"Charlotte enough," Connor stopped her, putting his hand on her arm, "I do not blame you for his death. This was something entirely out of your control, and certainly never something I would pin on you,"

Hours passed, day blended into night, and Connor lay in bed at what was almost midnight. He was too upset to fall asleep, his blue pillowcase soaking with teardrops. There was an empty, cold space in the bed that should be where Evan was.

His head snapped up at the sound of the door creaking open, revealing a pool of light pouring in from the hallway as Tilly walked in, half asleep and dragging her stuffed rabbit along with her.

"Hi, sweetie," He whispered, drying his eyes, "why aren't you asleep? It's past your bedtime,"

Connor lifted Tilly into his bed and tucked her under the covers. "I miss papa,"

"I do too, baby girl, I do too..."

The man could see the gears in his daughter's head turn as she formed her next sentence. Tilly seemed almost... afraid to voice her thoughts. "Daddy, how did papa die?"

Holy shit.

Connor was prepared for deep questions, but man, was this a big one. How was he supposed to answer that? What, was he just supposed to tell a five-year-old girl that her father had been killed by an intoxicated driver? He'd scare her half to death!

His mouth was open and he wanted so badly to say something, but the words were caught in his throat. "Explain the cause of death as simply as possible" is what he had learned from his research, "too many details or euphemisms may scare your child."

"Well, sweetheart, you know how daddy has his special grown-up drink?" Tilly nodded, letting a chuckle slip through. "A man had too much of his grown-up drink before driving and ended up hitting papa's car. When that happened, his body got hurt and couldn't work anymore, so he ended up dying.

"But there's no reason to be scared, sunshine. Just because papa may have gotten hurt, it doesn't mean that's going to happen to you or me. I promise we're safe, okay?"

Tilly's eyes met her father's as she processed each word. Connor could see the idea that they would be safe from any danger on the road lock into place in her mind, prompting her to snuggle further into his arms.

The toddler was silent for a moment, staring into her rabbit's sparkly eyes until she popped up again and shoved the stuffed animal into Connor's face. "Look! It's papa!"

It took him a second to understand what she was talking about, but then it clicked; this certain bunny was the one she had earlier, the one Evan had gifted her for her birthday two years ago. "Yeah, it's papa," he said, placing a kiss atop his daughter's head. "Why don't you stay in here tonight, alright? I love you,"

Tilly was silent, having already fallen asleep in his arms after she showed him the bunny. He looked down at her as she snores softly. He needed to protect his little girl, and he would give his life to make sure that happened.