The Sins about Umbrella Boy and a Cruelty of the World

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I'm Bryce White, can be called Bri, this is my scribble about the feelings I'm going through.  People think I'm crazy or a psychopath, I really don't care about them.

I always thought about giving up, and running away from the world, but I couldn't hide from sin.

I also often think that if I am the reincarnation of a previous life, what have I done to make me suffer like this?  is god unfair to me?  but i cant talk like that.

I am also very jealous to people, their lives are full of love and affection from family, friends, lovers or others.  But i never get anything like that. Love is just bullshit.  Dreams aren't real either!

I was indoctrinated by my family from a young age about being a good child, because being a good child will make me happy in this world and in the hereafter.

My father said, "Silence is gold, talk is silver", until now the words he told me have become poison for my life.  every time I spoke he would hit me many times, even if I said a single word he would still hit me, a bad choice.

Every day, no love for me.  I was born with 3 brothers and one older sister.  I was born and raised in a poor family and have very high self-esteem, and I am a disgrace to them because I am different, stupid.

I was a good boy, since elementary school, I used to make money by selling dolls that I made to pay for my school fees, sometimes I became an errand boy to clean up or wash.

See how stupid I am by writing notes like this in bad English.  But I'm pretty confident, that's enough for me.

I'm used to being discriminated against, and I'm also a victim of bullying and sexual harassment, I'll explain more later.

Every day I come home injured, dirty, wet, messy.  I never told my parents that I was a victim.  I don't want to disappoint them, because they often say "boys are strong, and shouldn't cry" so I just kept quiet and said that I fell in the gutter while playing alone.

I never played with other people or even had friends, my parents told me to study and study until I grew up, and they would scold me if I brought my classmates to do group work at my house.  So I continued to do my own part.

My sister never helps me study, so I have to understand myself, my mother doesn't take good care of me, I'm even starving. People stay away from me because I'm ugly, dirty.  Because I was weak, everyone even my brother called me a ladyboy, or sissy.  I couldn't fight back so I just kept quiet and let every insult would wash away my previous sins.

every day I leave with an empty stomach, and I am very hungry because every day they do not give me dinner.  And I had no other choice but to pick up leftover food from the trash.  If it's still in good condition I eat it straight away or if it's dirty I usually wash it first.  I don't care anymore because I'm so hungry and I don't have money to even buy a loaf of bread.

I am now 27 years old, and I regret to have been born into this world.  I tried to die many times, but God didn't allow me to die, he always prevented me from committing suicide.  And as a result, I became afraid of my family, I often even talked to myself like crazy, I didn't feel pain when they hit me until I was unconscious, and I couldn't cry anymore even though I was sad.  I try to go far, but God always knocks on my heart and makes me not have the heart to leave my family.

But every time I want to cry, God always gives heavy rain, maybe by chance I cry when it rains.  It makes me love the rain, takes away all the sadness.  The rain wipes my tears, and people won't notice that I'm crying under the rain.  every drop of rain heals the wound in my heart. Until the end, I always go out for no reason using an umbrella under the rain just to smell the wet.

And I got a new nickname, Umbrella boy.