*This chapter contains substance (alcohol) abuse. Other things may be triggering but it would spoil the plot if I warned you, so if you would like to know before reading or you know you have certain triggers I will put the warnings in the section of this book called 'warnings/introduction'.
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It was a bleak November day that would mark the end of everything as I knew it. The air was harsh and cold but comforting and sweet, showing no warning of the events that would unfurl, fracturing our lives like glass. No warning that I would be left to try to pick up the pieces, cutting myself many times before I could create something even remotely resembling the life I once had.
It was a Sunday and the children and I had just gotten back from a muddy walk in the rain. Muddy wellingtons were strewn about the hall and rainwater fell in defiant drops from abandoned coats, seeping into the old carpet. Odd socks that had been stripped from cold toes were left hanging, like early stockings, on the radiator. But I didn't mind; I'd clear it all up later.
Now, Jack was in his father's study, concentrating on his maths homework while Rosie played with an ambitious collection of toys, arranging them in a circle so they could have a tea party. Except the 'tea party' was looking more like a cult. As for me, I was curled up on the sofa, pretending that I wasn't about to fall asleep. Exhaustion had caught up with me over the weekend and I was so tempted to surrender to its pull. Today was Aaron's supposed day off but he'd been called into the BAU to smooth over a major administrative error that had led to an unfortunate misunderstanding with the one and only Erin Straus. I had been looking forward to spending the day as a family but life had other plans.
My heavy eyelids had just begun to close when the doorbell rang. I groaned softly, wondering if I could just ignore whoever it was and they'd go away. But that would be rude. Reluctantly, I went to answer the door. I wasn't exactly surprised to see River because she was a regular visitor at this point. She was welcome, I realised with a smile. But I was surprised to see a rucksack on her shoulders. The sight of it brought on a sudden bought of uneasiness. I shook my head, dismissing the feeling as a symptom of something else.
She hugged me for longer than usual, which I thought was strange. There was something about her lingering touch that felt like goodbye. But, regrettably, I ignored my gut. Which would have devastating consequences.
We passed the study and River said a quick hello to Jack who nodded absentmindedly in response, not looking up from the sums scrawled in front of him which required his intense concentration.
In the living room, Rosie bounded up to her aunt and threw her arms around her waist, delighted by the surprise visit. When Rosie grew tired of socialising, she turned back to her toys, leaving River and me sitting across from each other. The only thing between us was the old coffee table, stained with coffee rings, paint smudges and the lively scrawl of coloured pencils. We sat in uneasy silence, both of us watching Rosie mutter under her breath as she reprimanded a Batman figurine for poisoning the tea. After some time, River spoke.
"I need you to do something for me," She said, a glint of something unrecognisable flickering behind her eyes.
I didn't answer her right away because, for some reason, I was afraid. It was a feeling that stemmed deep from my gut. I watched her carefully, my eyes trained on her every move —as if she were an unpredictable animal that might lash out anytime. My eyes went to Rosie who was playing with her back to us with her dolls and action figures.
"You look sad," I said because she did.
She gave me a funny look then —something between annoyance and amusement and I thought that was true sibling love. Annoyance and amusement.
"What is it?" I asked hesitantly, my words catching in my throat like a fly in a spiders web.
She grinned, a mischievous grin with a shadow of something dangerous that I couldn't quite catch. I heard the clink of glass and then I watched with a cold dread as she reached into her bag and pulled out bottle after bottle of Glen's Vodka, "I need you to drink these, little sis."
My chest constricted and I felt myself struggling to breathe, "That's not funny River. You should go."
But she didn't listen, the look on her face was bored as she picked at a hangnail until it came away bloody. "Go on, Addy —you know you want to."
I did want to which made me hate myself. Because there would always be this selfish part of me growing in my head, trying to seize control. It whispered poisonous promises to me, saying I'd feel better. That I couldn't ever be sober for the rest of my life so why try now? My body wanted it to and I felt this magnetic pull towards the bottles.
"Why the fuck would I do that?" I hissed, keeping my voice low, "What the hell's wrong with you?"
She laughed, loud and bright and bold. I flinched as she reached into her pocket but breathed a temporary sigh of relief when she pulled out her phone and a pair of headphones, "Rosie, baby, come here."
"Rosie —don't!" I urged as panic wormed its way into my chest, "Go to your room."
But River shook her head and, with a sly smile, she lifted her coat to reveal the glint of a gun strapped by her side. The warning was clear: do as I say or someone will get hurt.
Rosie looked between us, the conflict of being told to do two different things was evident on her features. River smiled innocently, it's up to you, her expression read, but chose wisely.
My mind seemed to be working slowly —ironically when I needed it the most. Part of me couldn't accept what was happening. I didn't believe it. Didn't understand.
I nodded to my daughter, "It's okay, monkey —go."
With clenched fists, I watched Rosie's concerned expression melt into a smile as she ran towards her aunt —who she loved and she trusted. The same person I had allowed into our lives without a second thought. I had been stupid, foolish and reckless. I just hoped, with every furious cell in my body, that the price of my mistake wouldn't be my daughter's life.
My chest rose and fell agitatedly as River pulled Rosie into her lap, "Hi, my sweet girl."
Rosie, accustomed to River's embrace, relaxed in her arms. She watched curiously as River unfolded the headphones and connected them to her phone. I thought about fighting. If it came down to strength and skill I could easily best her but, when it came to recklessness and bullets —she had the high ground.
"I want you to listen to this song while you play and we adults talk, okay?" She kissed Rosie's cheek and I gritted my teeth in response to the anger coursing through my veins.
Rosie nodded unquestioningly as River placed the headphones over her ears before tickling her stomach until the eight-year-old squealed with joy. River laughed as she admired her upturned eyes and bright smile.
The hardest part of being a mother was watching your child slowly grow out of themselves and into the person society deemed fit. It hadn't happened yet but I wondered what it would take to dampen her smile. A betrayal like this? Learning that people were wicked and untrue? That vicious little bitting lies could be twisted into false love?
As I looked at my sister, I couldn't quite comprehend that anything had changed between us. But something irreversible and drastic had changed. Rosie hopped down from River's knee to resume the party she was hosting, music blaring from the headphones over her ears.
