imagine us in heaven

i

words: 2062

jack wakes up to the crickets outside, his brain clouded with memories of the previous night. he doesn't remember much in his sleepy state, memories in his mind staying foggy until he sat up and every part of his body was burning with pain so bad it made his dammed ears ring. his shoulder hurt through his arm and his neck, his head hurt so much it was pounding. there was pain coursing through his bloodstream like poison.
jack couldn't think through all this, but he certainly remembered what happened.
not only did jack skip out on church that morning, but apparently he pushed his daddy too far by saying that he didn't believe in the pentecost and that he wasn't going to church anymore.
that church was their entire lives, their entire fucking town was based on that measly little building they called a church, run by reverend mosby.
jack hated him. he hated that stupid reverend and his constant speech of going to hell for being queer and then taking jack back to his office telling his parents he should stay behind for extra personal bible study.
reverend mosby sure made it extra personal alright, the fucking hypocrite, jack thinks bitterly.
but no one would believe him if he told them what the reverend had been up to behind their backs. he was a strong, self-reliant young man who came from poor ranch folk, he could fight off any man with a swing.
but then his reputation would be even more tarnished than it was for hitting the reverend.
"god, fuck it all." he'd say to himself.
last sunday was when he decided that he'd not be going to church, and he'd apologized to god for never going back but he also resented the man for letting such a thing happen to him by someone he was supposed to feel protected by, connected to even.
jack shook his head clear of his intrusive thoughts unsuccessfully but managed to stumble out of bed anyway. he didn't change out of his dirty work clothes last night, he noticed, he's pretty sure he just passed out after dealing with his daddy. he shakes his sore arm once more and regrets it immediately as he tosses his head back and lets out a soft whimper from the pain shooting through him. "goddamnit." he mumbles, grabbing a fresh flannel out of the closet and some worn jeans from his dresser drawers, carful to be ginger with his aching body.
it was still chilly out with spring just having arrived that previous week, but he still wanted to go out and away from here. away from that church, and the reverend, and his daddy. away from all the memories, all his thoughts.
he creeps out of his bedroom, being careful not to step on the creaky boards as he glanced at the clock above the bathroom door.
5:15 am.
it was early enough that his daddy wouldn't even be up yet. jack lets out a breath of relief when the bathroom door is finally closed and he listens to himself click the lock. he turns on the water, knowing he doesn't have much time before the rest of the house awakes. he strips quickly, his whole body erupting with goosebumps from the chilly air. once he steps under the hot water, however, it seems that every atom in his being relaxes with the pressure and steam pounding against him. he smiles, sighing happily as his shoulder pain lessens and his migraine eases slightly. enough for him to feel like living. he turns away from the splashing water to grab his shampoo, something in his back popping and causing and sharp stab down his hips and legs. "fuck," he grunts under his breath, his eyes screwed shut.
after the pain subsides he finishes his shower and hurried to his room to get properly dressed so he can leave. he'd just turned seventeen, and he was counting down the days until his birthday so he could finally get away from here.
he loved his mama and he loved lightning flat, but there was nothing else here for him when he got older, there was barely anything for him now. no work, no love life, no acceptance. he wanted to go closer south to mexico. he'd heard stories saying that mexico was exotic, there's something for everyone just across the border of texas.
or maybe he'd even go up north with them union folk instead of the stupid rebels. he just wished-no, no he prayed with every being in his body to be loved for who he was instead of having to change and be forgiven for his sins. with another deep breath and the hat on his head, he clunked his boots down the stairs and into the kitchen, knowing his mama would be up by now fixin' breakfast while his daddy got up and ready for work.
she looked exhausted, eyes swollen red from tears and bags dark under them.
"hey, ma," he says quietly as not to startle her, though he knew she'd heard him coming.
"hi, baby. you feelin' okay?" she asks with a sympathetic smile. he only nods to her, not wanting to put more on his poor ma than what she already had going. "that's good, yer daddy-" she stops herself, knowing how jack felt about that specific topic. "would you like some breakfast before you go out? and an aspirin maybe?" she knew where he was headed, and that he was in a rush to leave before john came downstairs.
"uhh," he thinks quick. "toast with yer marmalade and a piece'a bacon? and yes, would love an aspirin."
she smiles at him, handing him a plate with bacon so he could fix his own food and reaching in her apron pocket to grab a pill from the bottle, handing it to jack. she kept them there for when john woke up with aches and pains or for when they came home from work while she fixed supper.
"thank you," he smiles at her, swiping marmalade along with the buttery toast on his plate. he fills a glass with water, gulping the pill down before finishing the rest of the cup.
"'course." she nods solemnly, turning back to finish the eggs. he places the bacon on his toast, gives his mama a kiss on the cheek and a soft goodbye then walks out the door just as he heard john come out of his bedroom.
he runs out to the barn, his tastebuds colliding with the sugary orange subtense and the greasy bacon like he always loved as his eyes lock with calamity; his pretty caramel-colored horse.
"hey, darlin'," he smiled to her, petting her soft mane gently as she gave a small nod in delight. "you wanna go out ridin'? see yer pal, annie, even?"
annie was ennis' horse, tall and mean lookin' just like he was. but she was always a sweetheart to her owner. jack couldn't blame her with the way ennis took care of her, the boy spoiled her as if he popped out that horse himself.
he got ready, making sure she was content to go out riding before he hopped up on her and went down the road to the field. it was just past ennis' house so if the older man wanted to join, he'd follow. deep down, jack hoped he would. he needed someone even if he could never talk to ennis about what he needed or what his home life was like. his cold company was better than being completely alone.
it was quiet, a peaceful quiet unlike the ones at home which were strained with uneasy feelings and angry glares. peace; it wasn't something jack was used to, nor did he feel as if he'd ever get used to it.
he rests his head on calamity's and lets his brain swarm with thoughts of last night.
it was all a blur, yet he remembered every second. nothing made sense about the situation; being slapped across the room, getting spit on while he was on the ground, his daddy yelling at him to be a man and fight back even though he knew that jack knew better than to ever lay a finger on him.
jack knew that he had more respect than to fight with his old man, too. it was something he promised himself he'd never do.
jack was pulled out of his thoughts by another set of hooves clomping his way. he sat up and turned his to see ennis with his hat tipped  down.
"jack," he greets softly with a nod.
"hey," jack responds, his stomach-churning.
"you alright?" ennis' gruff voice soothed him; it settled his mind and calmed his nerves.
"uh," jack stutters, "i'm alright. yerself?"
"yer lyin' ta me, jack twist," ennis says, his tone oddly light.
"got into it with my old man last night, busted me up pretty good." jack elaborates.
"again? damn, rodeo, yer always lookin' fer a fight, huh?" he chuckles, jack letting out a disappointed sigh.
he shrugs, resting his head once more.
"why can't i be happy? why can't i be okay?" he asks quietly to no one in particular.
"come on, jack," ennis gives halfheartedly, "it can't be too bad."
jack looks at him, his eyes burning with the tears daring to fall. "you have no idea how bad it gets." he says exasperatedly. "i-i'm not like you! i can't get by with a couple of fucks once or twice. i need more ennis-i need more to survive." he breaks, ennis' gaze softening as he gets off his horse, tying them both to the fence. "c'mere, darlin', i got you." he hush's falsely, hauling jack off his horse to hold him close.
"i know you don't want me like this, friend," he says softly, pulling away from the older boy.
ennis' jaw twitched at the emphasis. "i know what i'm around for, yer not the only one who wants it from me. who's had it from me," he speaks the end with venom, thinking of reverend mosby.
"you know i ain't queer." ennis' tone drops, eyes darkening.
"what's so bad about it?"
"everything! everything is bad about it, jack. ain't nowhere say that's good fer ya, and dammit it'll ruin my career. i can't be caught with you hangin' on my shoulder like a lady, now can i? it'll ruin my life in lightnin' flat. i ain't no fuckin' queer." he snaps. jack steps a few feet away from him, glaring.
"why's it always gotta be like this with you? soon as anythin' gets emotional ya jump off yer damn rocker. and yer life is gonna be ruined with me on yer arm? what about me, ennis? you know my whole life is here, everything of mine is here. besides, they'd have more respect for you fuckin' me because you'd still be a man. i'd be nothin' to no one. you'd get yer dick wet and stay in a job." he exclaims, overwhelmed with everything going on, he feels unreal. he doesn't feel like he's in his own body anymore. everything felt like a dream as ennis flared in front of him.
"nothin' to no one, huh?" he says, his tone laced with anger. "ya ain't got nothin' here for ya anyway, jack fuckin' twist. and actin' like this, ya ain't gonna have nothin' for ya no damn where."
jack collapses. his knees go weak and he falls against the dew covered field. ennis sighs, he knew he fucked up but what was he going to do about it? he didn't deal with emotions like jack did. he picked a fight and he went about his business. he didn't need what jack did either, at least he never felt like it. he liked having jack just the way he was. fuck him in the barn late at night and then lay with him for hours afterwards. that's what he needed. no love, no intimacy like with a lady. just that.
jack needed all the things ennis refused to give, and so he did what he did best when jack broke down. "see ya tonight. in my shed back home." and then he left jack with his terrible brain and his terrible feelings.