Alive

Chapter 1: A Psychopath's Philosophy

I always liked sleeping, not for the rest or the comfort of lying in a warm bed, but for the dreams. Even if some of them aren't so pleasant there's something about dreaming that draws you in, makes you want to stay there in that blurry, impossible world. When you're awake there's restrictions. Rules you have to follow, a small number of people you know and an even smaller number of people you actually like. And only a certain amount of places you can go. But dreaming, you can do anything. You can exist in a world that makes no sense and still understand it completely, which is more than I can say for reality.

There will always be things we won't understand. No matter how many generations of scientists we manage to spit out before the human race meets its end on this planet, we will never hold the knowledge we so desperately crave.

Morality, laws, government, they're all just fragile little systems we maintain to give ourselves some sense of purpose and order. Not many of us understand the truth about ourselves and the few that do are terrified of it. But in that small group of somewhat intelligent beings, there's a handful of us who accept it. Like me, I accept it. The catch is; I'm insane, or at least that's what everyone else tells me.

The doctors say I suffer with psychopathy, I say everyone else suffers with selective blindness. But if you want to know the truth, if you want to be able to handle it, you kinda have to be insane. I don't know if I was always this crazy and that allowed me to see things for what they really are, or if one day the truth hit me so hard it shattered my sanity into a million pieces, but either way I'm glad. I'm glad because it grants me the gift of really living.

The truth, as I know it, is pretty simple to explain but people don't like to hear it. So, they go and fill their days with chores and jobs and as many other mundane, meaningless tasks as it takes to occupy their thoughts so that they can forget the truth.

If you're cracked or broken it might make things a little easier, because, deep down, you already know. If you've ever hit the bottom, then you've already felt the truth seeping through your skin and you probably got better and pushed it back out. But once you understand it, you don't need to be scared, if you learn to accept it, then you can really be happy. Not the kind of happy they want you to be when they force meds down your throat, not the kind of happy when your crush smiles at you for the first time, but a better kind. You'll be free, really free.

So if you want to settle for fake smiles and friends who promise 'it gets better' without actually doing anything, then stop reading. These are just the rambling thoughts of a psychopath splayed across some pages after all. But these messy, rambling thoughts pulled me out of the blackening self destruction that this world threw me into. And maybe they can pull you out too.

Since you're still reading I guess you've decided you want the truth, so I won't keep you waiting any longer. Think of the biggest guy you know, the main jock at your school who exudes testosterone, the 6ft something douchebag your mom married who makes your life hell, any muscle head asshole or bimbo bitch that made you hate yourself.

Now think about them in comparison to the tallest building in the world, and that building compared to the Earth, and the Earth compared to our entire galaxy. Now understand that our galaxy is one pathetic little spec in comparison to the entire universe. That muscle head asshole and bimbo bitch don't seem so big now right?

If our galaxy was wiped out, the rest of the universe would carry on as before, no impact, no one would grieve our deaths or the deaths of anything else that's out there. We are insignificant. Don't be disheartened by it, it's just the way it is.

Now, I'm not claiming to be some righteous dipshit that knows all the secrets of life and the universe. I don't know if there's a God or not, but I know that if there is some 'great force' controlling the whole universe, it sure as hell doesn't give a shit about you or me personally. Do you concern yourself with the life of every micro organism? Do you think about the millions of bugs in the world and think 'hey i wonder how they're all individually feeling today'? No. Because they don't matter.

People pray when their grandma is sick or their dog goes missing, but if there really is some God, the creator of the universe - which, by the way, is always expanding - don't you think he'd be kinda too busy with other stuff to return your dog home safely? If our galaxy did get wiped out or sucked into a black hole, I'm guessing that would be the Great Force's equivalent of 'oh shit I stepped on a bug'. So don't take it personally if you feel like he's not answering you.

Bear with me, there is an upside to this belittling news. We don't matter, so nothing that we do matters either. You know what that means? We can do whatever the hell we want. Personally I don't believe in heaven or hell, maybe we die and later on we're born again as a completely different person but that still means that our actions in this life have no effect later on. Which is good news for me since I'm a serial killer.

Don't look so surprised, I did tell you I'm a certified psychopath. But I didn't tell the doctors about the killer part, they think that I take my pills and they believe my bullshit routine about how I feel a lot better now and I don't get the urges anymore, and I go out and stalk my next victim, everybody wins. Well, you know, besides the victim, but like I explained, they're insignificant.

Try not to judge me, I'm not evil, because evil doesn't exist. Like I said, morality is just one of the fragile little systems we invented to make ourselves feel better. Sure I leave behind a grieving family, but I don't feel their pain, so why should I concern myself with them? I can't help the things that I enjoy, and there's not many, so I find the few things that really make me happy and I take them.

Some scientific and philosophical theories suggest that the universe doesn't even exist. If you think about it our existence is kind of impossible, but that's one of the things we'll never understand. The point is, whether we're really here or not we are experiencing some sort of existence and an average of 80 years is ridiculously short. So why deprive ourselves of what we want? Why stick to eating healthily to add another meaningless 10 years to our meaningless lives?

Selfishness is the only way to be truly happy, but maybe that's because I can't feel empathy or remorse. Maybe it won't be so easy for you to take whatever you want and screw everyone else, but it's worth a try. I wanted to die, for a long time, but then I found the truth and now I want to live, because I really am living. What about you? You wanna really live don't you?