Alive

Chapter 10: Partner In Crime

I had always preferred the nighttime to the daytime, because it was our moment to shine. Time for the monsters and demons to make floorboards creak in pitch black bedrooms. Time to scare innocent people with the horror we possess.

It was beautiful; the darkness both hid us and placed us centre stage. Children in their beds can't see whatever creature is haunting their nightmares, but they know it is there. Of course biologically I'm human, but I don't think many people would object to calling me a monster.

One night about 2 years ago, after I'd killed for the fifth time, I was driving home and I passed a lake. It was half 1 in the morning so no one was around, so I pulled over and got out. The moon was full and the stars in the black sky seemed brighter than I'd ever seen them before. I remember thinking that it was like they were there just for me. Who else would be outside at half 1, looking up at the sky?

I lay on my back right beside the lake and looked up. That moment was the most peaceful I'd ever felt, with nothing and no one to interfere, just me and the world in all its glory. My arms lit up under the moonlight and it made me laugh. I thought about the journey that light had made, a burning ball of fire and gas, reflected on a giant piece of rock orbiting our planet, shining down onto us. The distance that light had travelled, everything it had passed, only to be stopped by me. It had gotten through space, our atmosphere, the clouds, but it couldn't get through me.

That got me thinking about what else I had stopped in the years I'd been wandering the planet. I thought about the lives I had taken, and where they would've ended up if I hadn't stopped them.

Maybe Jessica the waitress would've had kids and got married and lived a perfect little life. Maybe Elizabeth would've pursued a career in art, becoming a teacher at a university or a relatively famous painter. Maybe the guy I had killed earlier that night, Dylan, would've kicked his habit of smoking pot and focused on improving his grades, one day becoming CEO of some big company. I thought about these things, but I still couldn't feel anything. It didn't make me sad or guilty or mournful.

I had tried to feel something, anything, for the lives I had taken. Tried to become more human by taking a long look at the consequences of my actions. But... Nothing. So it wasn't that I'd never considered stopping, of course I had thought about it. But why should I?

Maybe Jessica would've cheated on her husband and been a shitty mother to her kids. Maybe Elizabeth would've turned out like me, I definitely think she had it in her. Maybe Dylan would've carried on smoking pot, and then taking pills, and then doing cocaine and heroin and meth, and end up overdosing in some sleazy motel with a cheap hooker robbing his cash on the way out before leaving him to rot.

We'll never know. And that's why I wasn't going to stop, because no matter how much intuition you think you have, or how many psychic readings you throw money away on, you'll never know what your future holds.

I don't think things are predetermined or set in the stars or any of that bullshit, I think, as I've said before, shit just happens. So why should I try and mould myself into a model citizen? Why play by the rules? What is the point in the end?

I could live until I'm 100 years old or I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and die. There's no way of knowing. So that's when I decided once and for all that I was going to do whatever the hell I wanted and fuck the consequences.

I looked to my right at my shadow stretched out along the grass and I smiled. The dark figure raised its hand to match mine and then I pressed my palm onto the ground. My shadow, my partner in crime, my proof that I was powerful enough to stop the light in its tracks.