Alive

Chapter 17: Balance

I hadn't been myself lately and it was frustrating. The way I lived was all about taking whatever I wanted and fucking the consequences, so why now was I suddenly so different? Maybe I was going soft. That's why I had to kill someone soon, to find out if it was still what I wanted.

Without that, I had nothing, what else was I supposed to focus on? I didn't feel the need to make genuine friends, I already had enough money to last a while, I got good grades but I never really had any passion, any one thing that absorbed my attention. Some people loved music, or art, or science, but me, I loved killing. But it had been a while and I wasn't even sure if I could do it anymore.

I guess I had an interest for psychology, delving into the minds of people like me and unravelling the mess to uncover where it all went wrong. Though, I didn't think anything went wrong. I think we're smarter and stronger than most people and because that threatens them they call us sick and crazy.

What would I even do with psychology though? Go to university and sit through hours of lectures? Then what? Get a job in a mental institution, talking to patients about the crimes they committed? They say you shouldn't mix business with pleasure, so I guess that rules out that option.

As I sat in Sal's diner for the second time that week, the amalgamation of smells emerging from the kitchen threw me into a flashback of my high school days. My memories drifted to the assembly hall, where there was a board with a load of advice leaflets and anti-bullying posters.

'Different is good', 'Just be yourself', 'Don't follow the crowd'. People liked to think they were open minded, good hearted people because they could accept diversity. Gay kids, transgender teens, awkward introverts, they were seen as the 'different' ones, but in comparison to people like me, they were ridiculously normal.

My teachers always gave talks in my school about how we should embrace each other's differences, but they were hypocrites. No one embraces my differences, because I'm not the 'right' kind of different. If I had told my teachers that I wanted, more than anything, to kill people, they would've had me carted away in a straight jacket or handcuffs.

They thought they were taking away the boxes people had been put into, but all they were doing was making them a little wider. They taught us to be ourselves, but only if it suited them.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm a necessity in this world. The world needs a balance of light and darkness, otherwise people would take it for granted. I remember that being used as an argument in my philosophy and ethics class. The question the teacher posed was 'if God is all loving, then why does he allow evil to exist?'

Several ideas were thrown around the room in response, all pretty stupid, apart from one. 'Evil provides a balance in our world. If everything was good, we would take it for granted. And if evil didn't exist, we wouldn't know right from wrong, it helps us make good choices.' If 'God' could pawn that excuse off on the people of Earth, then why couldn't I?

I got back to the motel around 10pm and lay down on the bed, anger building up inside me as I thought about how unlike me my actions had been in the past few months. After everything I'd come through in my life, I wasn't going to let anything stop me now. The police, the instinctive fear of being caught, nothing was going to take away everything I'd built up now.

So, tonight would be the night that I got my trophies back. And then I was going to kill again. This was who I was, and for a while I'd been drawn in by the hollow worries that life pulled over people's eyes, but now I'd snapped out of my cowardly state, I was going to get my life back. My wonderful life of murder and fearlessness.

I pulled my rucksack out from under the motel bed and threw all of my money into it, along with my clothes hung up the lopsided wardrobe. I grabbed my car keys and opened the door, heading to the front desk. Luke wasn't there. I wanted to say goodbye, not because I'd miss him or anything like that, but because I didn't want him to worry and come looking for me. I saw Adam, the motel owner, behind the front desk talking to the girl who was working.

"Adam."

He looked up at me and smiled, then looked at his watch and frowned.

"You heading out Liv? It's kinda late." In that short enquiry he conveyed more concern for my safety than my own father ever had in my whole life.

"Yeah I umm... I just got a call from my friend, she's in some trouble and she needs my help. I'm gonna go stay with her for a while, make sure she's okay and everything. Could you do me a favour?"

"Sure. What is it? Want me to come with you, make sure you get there safe?" He would have if I'd asked, he was really protective over me for some reason. I'd been staying at his motel for almost the entire time since I left home and he'd really taken a liking to me.

"No no, nothing like that. I just want you to tell Luke I said goodbye. I thought he'd be here but I guess not, I just don't want him to worry when he's sees my room is cleared out." He smiled but he looked sad.

"Sure thing Liv, it's been great having you round here, make sure you come visit us sometime once your friend is okay."

"Yeah I will." I smiled at him and he smiled back and nodded.

"Goodbye Adam."

"Goodbye Liv."

I wished he'd known my real name, maybe the goodbye would've felt more sincere, but no one here knew who I really was and I had to keep it that way. So, without another word I walked to my car. But this time, I wasn't running. This time, I was back to my not-so-normal self, and I was going to take back what was mine.