GOING

1

    Having grown up with two siblings to end up an only child by 18 has had its perks and challenges. Perk #1: People pity you, meaning you get lots and lots of free stuff when you're from a town so small everyone knows your business before you do. Challenge #1: People pity you, meaning anytime someone looks at you their gaze is full of sympathy that's more annoying than anything else. Perk #2: People are more lenient on you, probably expecting a total breakdown from the pent up sadness you're supposed to constantly carry around in your heart. Challenge #2: You're thought of as crazy if you laugh a little too long or smile a little too wide. Happiness is something you're no longer entitled to. Perk #3: People no longer mess with you, probably feeling like total jackasses if they so much as look in your direction the wrong way. And lastly, the worst and most aggravating challenge: your parents constantly feel as though they're seconds away from losing their last and only child, so they act like you're dead before you even get a chance to live.
    Or, at least that's Wynona Garcia's reality. Stuck with the ugly name of a crackhead that helped deliver her in the middle of a back alley in Atlanta, she never really had much of a chance at life to begin with. When she was fourteen, her older sister killed herself in the back of her family's car on their way to Disneyworld. Now, a lot of people were confused on how she managed to do that in a car full of two adults, a fourteen-year-old and a sixteen-year-old. But Scarlet has always been able to outwit anyone, so she fed Wyn and her brother sleeping pills then waited until their parents stopped at a rest stop to do it.
    This is what her parents' said happened, so Wyn isn't sure the story is completely true. As soon as they left the car, Scarlet made sure her siblings were knocked out before pulling the blade out and slicing her wrists so perfectly she'd have made a great surgeon. Knowing it wasn't going to happen immediately, she began texting her parents outlandish requests that kept them occupied in the rest stop for over an hour. Towards the end her messages became gibberish, and finally when she stopped replying they realized something was wrong. The only issue with that is that it was too late by then.
    Wyn's mom swears up and down she rushed them to the nearest hospital as soon as possible because she thought Scarlet had tried to kill them too, but Wyn distinctly remembers staring up at a McDonald's sign while she was fading in and out of consciousness. Mateo says he doesn't remember much of that day, but after he hadn't been able to sleep without the help of medication and she'd occasionally catch him crying in the middle of the night. They never talked about it.
    Her father completely shut down after that, leaving their family for an entire year without a single word to any of them. They adjusted to life without him pretty quickly, and Mateo swore their mom was moving on the first chance she got. Then their father popped back up out of nowhere and everyone acted as though he didn't disappear when they needed him the most.
    When word got around their schools that one of the most popular girls in their town offed herself in the middle of a family road trip at a backwoods rest stop, life got pretty interesting for Mateo and Wyn. Girls found their excuse to swarm the up and coming NFL star, giving him gifts, dates, and other less than PG-13 things. As for Wyn, she lost basically all of her friends.
    Well, they weren't really her friends to begin with. They were girls who complimented her and asked her to hang out so they could see her brother in all his awkward, teenage glory. So she really didn't lose anyone, since she tolerated them at best. Still, the change was overnight and it felt so drastic. Her entire routine was uprooted. Gone were the days where she barely flew under the radar. No, after the incident everyone and their mom thought Wyn was next.
    Then two years later Mateo got into a car with the resident dumbasses of their small town and never made it back home for breakfast. To say it was shocking would be an overstatement. Ever since Scarlet passed, Mateo turned into an entirely different person. He wasn't as serious about football as he used to be, using it mainly to get laid (Wyn had the displeasure of seeing it firsthand by accident once) and to have something to talk about with their father. His grades started slipping but nobody ever said anything to him because unlike Wyn, Mateo had no qualms about using his sister's suicide as an excuse to get out of trouble. Then came the alcohol and the drugs, which he managed to hide pretty well from their parents. All in all, it was a tragic accident waiting to happen.
    And happen it did. Mateo decided it would be a good idea to get in a car full of drunk, underage boys on a stormy night in the middle of hurricane season. No one knows what happened or why he decided to go knowing they were all too far gone to operate a vehicle. Because the weird thing is, Mateo wasn't drunk. He hadn't had a drop of alcohol in his blood, nor any drugs. He was completely sober. And yet, her brother voluntarily put himself in that situation.
    Her parents won't talk about it. It's clear to Wyn that her brother decided to follow in his older sister's footsteps, but she understands why they wouldn't want to acknowledge it. They'd truly be failures as parents if they did, and nobody wants to admit that.
    Once the hype around Scarlet toned down, a couple girls would occasionally invite her out. It wasn't the same as before, but it was something. Then Mateo went and did what he did and Wyn was completely outcast by the people in her school. Everyone believed that as soon as her 18th birthday hit, she'd be the next to go. The kids in her school weren't mean to her, nor did they bully her or talk about her behind her back. All they did was act as though she was already gone, which was somehow a million times worse than calling her names. She didn't have any friends and her parents were overbearing at best. The entire week of her 18th birthday she was kept locked inside their house under 24/7 surveillance.
    Now it's been four years since Scarlet died and two years since Mateo died and she's about ready to go herself. Joke. Well, sort of. She recently graduated high school along with the rest of this sad town and is now waiting for August so she can leave and never look back. Although she wasn't as smart as Scarlet, she managed to get into their state school on a good enough scholarship. Because if there's one thing about Wyn, it's that she's always just good enough.
    Her parents swear they'll leave, too. Wyn isn't really expecting them to move but she hopes so. If anyone deserves a fresh start, it's her family. Now that she's survived past eighteen, they're not as crazy-helicopter as they used to be. They let her get a job, not actually expecting her to find one since their family isn't really welcomed by the overly-religious town at this point.
    However, Wyn managed to snag herself a summer job at the new coffee shop in town. Because the newest thing this town had was the run-down movie theatre with only one functioning screen, the news of the shop spread faster than wildfire. She sweet-talked the landlord, who happens to be the elderly neighbor she helps every weekend, into giving her the new owner's number. One phone call later and she was their first employee.
    She figured it'd be best to get it done and over with before they had a chance to become biased by the town's talk. She starts in a couple of days, giving her enough time to enjoy the last ever summer before complete adulthood. And by enjoy, she means re-read the entire Twilight series and pretend her life isn't what it is now.
    Her parents don't believe in therapy, leaving her with a lot to process emotionally and mentally. I mean, it's not every day that both your older siblings kill themselves. Wyn will never admit this to another living soul, but for a long time she lived in fear of her eighteenth birthday. She believed some kind of Final Destination-esque freak accident would happen if she didn't take her own life once the clock struck midnight. But then she lived and didn't get the sudden urge to off herself, so all in all that fear has been somewhat quelled.
    Now the only thing keeping her sane is her journal. Scarlet has been journaling since middle school, something nobody but Wyn knew (because in younger sister fashion, she was always snooping through her older sister's stuff) and when she died, she left behind her last unfinished journal. Wyn didn't understand why she started a new one to begin with if she knew she wasn't going to finish it, so she took it upon herself to finish it for her. At first all she wrote down were things she did throughout the days and moments she knew Scarlet would have enjoyed. Over time she eventually started ranting to the journal, like she was talking to her sister. Then it became her own thing nobody knew about and she now carries it in her bag (well, Scarlet's bag but she's dead so she can't really fight her on it).
    The last entry was the day of her graduation. She wrote about how nobody signed the yearbook she was forced to buy, how she wasn't asked to be in any pictures or invited to any graduation parties. The entry ends abruptly because it triggered a panic attack. They're not super dramatic but they are draining and she hates them all the same. She's managed to keep them a secret, not wanting her parents to think they mean she's gonna be the next to go. Because they would and then she'd definitely never leave this godforsaken town.
    Wyn wraps the chain around her bike, securing it tightly against a lamppost across the only diner within a fifty mile radius. She doesn't venture out of her home much but for some reason today she was really craving a milkshake and fries. It's a Friday night, meaning everyone and their mother is going to be here. Cheap food for drunk teenagers means lots and lots of business. That, and the diner is owned by one of the founding families so their kids and their kids' friends always get food for free. What a perk.
    She braces herself for the stares she's bound to receive. They range from pity (some of the nicer people) to disgust (some of the really religious people) to humor (some of the really messed up people). They're all equally bad because she'd rather everyone be like her parents and pretend the last four years never happened. Some things just aren't fair.
    Wyn walks in, surprised when the only eyes she feels are from the waitress and the line cook. She notices the popular group from her school huddled in the back corner. Wyn recognizes all of them except for one. She can tell he's tall because even sitting down, he's bigger than everyone else at that table. His black hair is straight sticking out in every direction, like someone keeps running a hand through it. His jaw is sharp and his nose is crooked and his eyes are a pretty almond shape. They're an intense blue that even she can see from all the way back here. Oh right, because he's staring right back at her. Shit.
Slowly, the group he's with turns to look at what's caught his attention. As each pair of eyes land on hers, the need to rip her skin off and disappear in the wind consumes her more and more. Lacy, their it girl, is cuddled right up against the new guy. Before she turned into this stuck up, I'm-better-than-everyone Christian girl she was the closest thing Wyn had to a friend. Granted, Lacy was only using her to see her brother but they had their moments.
    Once Scarlet left, Lacy wouldn't come over anymore. She'd still talk to Wyn but there was always tension in the air. Then her brother did what he did and Lacy completely cut her off, not seeing the point in keeping her around. After that Lacy grew some breasts and all of the guys wanted her, which certainly got to her already inflamed head. Last Wyn heard, Lacy was still dating Scotty, the star quarterback that had an actual shot of making it big. She guesses they're in their off phase again.
    A plate breaking snaps them all out of their awkward staring contest. She watches as Lacy whispers something in the new guy's ear while staring at her. Wyn sees his jaw tense and she's met with those intense eyes once more. Lacy laughs to herself, nodding at Wyn who watches as the rest of the group slowly laugh with her. Fuck this, she thinks, time to leave.
    Wyn rushes out as she tries to keep the tears at bay. She's overwhelmed and doesn't know where to put this outpour of emotion consuming her. She feels so stupid for forgetting just how horrible they can be. How horrible Lacy is. She doesn't even know that guy and Lacy already feels the need to show everyone just how much better she is. Trust me, everyone already knows.
    Wyn reaches her bike but can't seem to get her hands to function. They're shaking and she can barely see in front of her. This is exactly what she needs after that shitshow in there. She tries hard to get her breathing under control but it seems to have the opposite effect when she realizes she's hyperventilating. Why is she so affected right now?
    "You okay?" The voice sounds like it's underwater. She turns but can't find the source. Panic eats at her chest when she sees the dark spots. She can't pass out now, they're going to see her!
    "Hey, hey, hey, breathe with me." There are hands touching her arms, grounding her. She focuses on them. They're small and soft against her skin, with thin rings on some of the fingers. The warmth she feels is slowly extending to the inside of her chest. "There you go, buttercup. Calm down, slowly. What's your name?"
    The dark spots in her peripheral fade. Her eyes are wet but she can finally see the girl in front of her. She's the same height as Wyn, but that's where the similarities end. Her jet black hair is being held back in a pony, though she has bangs that frame her round face nicely. Her eyes are the same blue from the guy's in the diner without the intensity. It's...warm. Looking into her eyes feels as gentle as being held by your older sister during a nightmare. Or, at least the feeling Wyn remembers of the times before.
    "Wyn." Her voice is barely above a whisper but the girl smiles nonetheless. Letting go of Wyn, she sticks her hand out in front of her. Wyn shakily takes it in hers, pretending she's a lot stronger than she feels right now.
    "Hello Wyn, I'm Sophia. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance." Her smile is infectious. Wyn has never met anyone that has made her smile by simply looking at her. She wants to cry again because for the first time in years, someone is looking at her for who she really is. There's no pity, no sympathy, no recognition, nothing in Sophia's eyes. She's looking at Wyn. She's not seeing Scarlet or Mateo or her parents. No, she's seeing Wyn.
    "My full name's Wynona. I know, it's a really ugly name. My mom thought she should honor the crackhead that helped deliver me by naming me after her. I think I'd like to meet her, just to see why the hell my mom thought that was the best idea." She feels breathless when she finishes talking, not at all expecting for so much to come out of her mouth. It's like once she started talking she couldn't stop.
    Sophia's laugh is loud and so, so honest. Wyn knows she genuinely thought what she said was funny. She laughs unbelievingly, shocked this is truly happening here of all places. It's so refreshing to finally have someone who doesn't know a thing about her. Wyn doesn't care if it's only for tonight, she'll enjoy this moment forever.
    "Well shit, Wynona. My name's supposed to mean wisdom or whatever but I'm about as bright as a bag of bricks. Guess we both got stuck with lame names, huh?" Sophia's smile is so contagious. Wyn can't help but smile back at her, happy there's someone out in the world that isn't looking at Scarlet when they see her.
    "Yeah, I planned on changing it when I turned eighteen but it's kinda grown on me." That and she knows her mom will lose her mind if she even brings it up. She knows how to pick and choose her battles.
    "Hm, I kinda like it. You don't meet too many Wynonas under the age of fifty nowadays." Wyn snorts, her cheeks heating up when she realizes she just made that sound. Sophia's booming laughter sends her into another fit of giggles. Is this what she's been missing out on all these years?
    After they calm down, Sophia gets a semi-serious look on her face. "You don't have to answer, but what happened in there that caused you to come out here crying like that?" Wyn doesn't really know how to answer her question. She doesn't really understand it herself if she's being honest.
    "Just got overwhelmed by, uh, some of the people in there. I'm fine now, though, thanks to you." She smiles sheepishly at Sophia, who gets a very determined glint in her eyes. Something tells her she won't like what comes out of her mouth next.
    "Well would you look at the time. You hungry, Wyn? Cause I'm starving. I could eat a cow right now, truly! How's about we go in and get something to eat, huh? On me." Sophia grabs onto Wyn's hand before she's even done talking, pulling her as she heads towards the diner. Wyn has a million and one reasons as to why they shouldn't go in on the tip of her tongue. Except, none of them can seem to come out. They're lodged in her throat next to the fear and anxiety of facing Lacy and her minions once more.
    She finds her footing one second too late. They're already through the door and inside when she gets her first, "No!" out. Sophia lets go of her hand to wrap her arm around Wyn's. "It's them, ain't it?" She asks her quietly. Wyn nods her head, keeping her eyes trained to the floor. No point in causing another scene.
    "Yeah, figured from the way that redhead Scrappy Doo lookalike is glarin' at you. Damn, and she's the one hanging off my brother? Ugh, I won't hear the end of it tonight. He's about as smart as they come but let him get stuck in some kind of social situation and he acts like he don't got a voice. Pathetic, ain't it?" Wyn snaps her head up at the new guy. Aside from their eyes and hair color, these two don't really look much alike. He's hard and jagged where she's soft and gentle.
    He's staring back at them with a questioning look in his eyes. There's new tension in his shoulders that seems to increase the closer Lacy gets to him. Wyn watches as Sophia and him have a conversation with their eyes, ending when he abruptly stands up.
    "Noah?" She hears Lacy ask. He doesn't say anything to the group as he beelines towards Sophia and Wyn. Part of her wants to laugh at Lacy's red angered face, but Wyn knows if she does she'll just make whatever future punishment Lacy's thinking of even worse.
    He walks determinedly past the girls, Sophia taking her queue to follow with Wyn in tow. Wyn goes back to staring at her feet, embarrassment and awkwardness filling the empty space between them. She knew she should have stayed home, nothing good comes out of leaving her safe haven.
    "Damn, you sure know to pick 'em. We even made her face match her hair!" Sophia laughs, patting her brother on his back. He looks curiously between the two girls, much more entertained out here already than he was when he was trapped by the group inside.
    "I'm Noah, Sophia's brother." He says, holding his hand out towards Wyn. She finally looks at him and involuntarily blushes when she meets his eyes. They both won the gene lottery, that's all she has to say. Wyn didn't think he'd be Lacy's type since he looks the exact opposite of her boyfriend, but an attractive man is an attractive man and Lacy likes to keep everything nice for herself.
    "I'm Wyn." They continue to shake hands even after the appropriate time has passed. She doesn't know what to say or do to end this, until Sophia loudly clears her throat and starts rapid-firing questions at her brother.
    "Dude, how did you end up there with them? Who is she? Did she try to kiss you? Did you punch her? What juicy goss did they give you? Are you turning on your sister for the cool kids already? Did you even eat? Can you take us somewhere, we're hungry."
    Noah widens his eyes at Wyn who smiles at his gesture. He leads the girls to his truck before answering any of his sister's questions. Sophia forcefully shoves Wyn in the passenger seat, opting to sit behind her brother so she can annoy him (her words) as he drives. Wyn feels extremely out of place, her mother's words of never getting into a car with strangers flitting through the back of her mind. Her mind is quieted when soft classical music slowly fills the silence from his speakers. Thankfully, no one mentions the music choice and he doesn't change it or turn it down.
    "So?" Sophia says as he pulls out, "Gonna tell us how the hell you even got in that situation? Thought you didn't like making friends." She teases her brother. He rolls his eyes at her antics yet humors her nonetheless.
    "I don't, at least not with people like those. I was waiting for mom's food when I was ambushed. The ginger girl, Laney or something started talking to me then invited her friends before I could even say hi back. It wasn't very pleasant, she doesn't understand the concept of personal space." He scoffs, genuinely annoyed. Wyn can't help but giggle a little. All of the boys in town are infatuated with Lacy so it's nice to see one that isn't caught up in her act.
    "What's so funny over there, buttercup?" Sophia asks, pulling on a strand of Wyn's hair. She shrugs, trying hard to hide her smile. Wyn isn't a mean girl, though she can be mean. And Lacy has been a really shitty friend, so it doesn't hurt her any to talk badly about her.
    "It's just weird to hear a guy say he's not interested in Lacy. She kinda has all the boys in town wrapped around her finger. They think she's the perfect girl to marry and settle down with, what with her parents owning the diner and the big ass plot of land they live on. She doesn't get told 'no' very much." Wyn explains. Noah looks back at his sister through the rear view mirror, a serious expression on his face. Sophia laughs, but Wyn can tell it's a little forced. 
    "Yeah, well don't worry. Noah here doesn't really say yes to any girls, so Lacy's gonna have to give up at some point." The conversation dies down after that. Noah turns the volume up to keep the awkward silence at bay. It's calming effect is working overtime now to keep her grounded.
    Noah pulls into the shabby old Cookout that's seen much better days. The drive thru is cramped so Sophia suggests going somewhere else, but after looking at the time the only other restaurant open right now is the diner they just left. They decide to suck it up and park because the line at the window is much smaller.
It's been three years since Wyn's eaten here. Mateo couldn't sleep and she couldn't stand to hear his sobs one more night. She walked into his room and demanded he drive her to Cookout. They both ignored his tears and the defeated slump of his shoulders, choosing instead to only acknowledge the one thing causing them both misery: Scarlet.
    The car ride wasn't tense or awkward or painful. They spent the drive there reminiscing on some of their older sister's crazier antics, like when she wrote an exposé in the town's newspaper on their school's principal catfishing as a teenage girl to get boys' nudes. Or when she drove her best friend — licenseless — down to the nearest Planned Parenthood three hours away because she was raped and wasn't sure if the guy had used a condom. Or when she drove them back and immediately went out looking for the guy she knew did it just to chase him around with a condom-covered bat and pictures of what he did to Dakota. In the end she emailed them to the church's Sunday group full of all the town's moms. He got what he deserved when he was shipped away to who-knows-where after Scarlet beat him almost to death.
    If their older sister was one thing, she was fair. She sought out justice and took it into her own hands, knowing no one else would. She fought for everything and everyone she believed in. It was admirable, but of course it had to come to an end. No one is strong enough to take on the burden of the world without feeling it's damage.
    In the end, they stayed out all night to watch the sunrise. The entire time the only thing they talked about was Scarlet. It's hard to change the subject when it's as interesting and volatile as she was. You never knew what she was going to do next, what the next words out of her mouth were going to be, or even if she was going to still be there in the morning. Not even Wyn, who would read her sister's journal every night while she showered. Maybe that's why the guilt hasn't left after all these years. Maybe if she understood her sister even a little bit more, she could have seen it coming.
    Maybe.