one day

introduction

All of my life, I have struggled to comprehend myself.

This single statement has taken me years to learn. I have pretended to know who I was as a person. My entire personality is still in construction, even though I am twenty two years old.

Before I explain what this means, I should mention that I have disputed mental health as being a major cause of my lifelong confusion. This was a costly and detrimental mistake. I show signs of depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. I have disputed this as being a possible cause because I simply did not want to acknowledge the ugly truth: I am broken, and I have not taken the time to fix myself. And I have only recently discovered this. The journey of self-discovery and healing has only begun now that I have acknowledged this truth.

Most days, I do not understand myself. I do not understand why I am a people pleaser. Why it's so hard for me to say "no." Why I do not have a supportive, strong circle of friends. What my goals are in life. Sometimes, I wonder who I am as a person. Am I funny? Intelligent? Kind? Or am I perhaps, the opposite of those things? Am I distant? Cold-hearted? Antisocial? Downright stupid? I alternate between different personalities multiple times in a week, sometimes in a single day. I change who I am to fit the current environment I am in. This habit has wreaked havoc on my emotional health, and it's made me so confused and frustrated with myself. I ask myself every day, Why do I do this? And why is it so hard for me to just stop? Why can't I just be myself?

When I say that my personality is still in construction, I mean that I'm still building myself up. This applies to hobbies, taste in music, choice in clothes, personal boundaries, etc. These all seem like relatively simple things that a person should already know. These types of things start to develop in early childhood, then progress during teenage and adult years. But not for me. These simple little things are a daily challenge for me. I always have to ask myself, "Do I really enjoy this? Or am I doing it, because everyone else enjoys it?" or, "Why am I tolerating this person's behavior?" Or something even as simple as, "Do I really like this song, or am I just pretending to enjoy it?"

There's little that I know about myself, but one thing is for sure: change needs to happen. I cannot keep living life in an abyss of eternal confusion and an altered state of reality. Something needs to happen. That means I need to step out of my comfort zone and be proud of who I am. But that will take me time to build that foundation. Writing this book brings me one step closer to that.

These poems are real, raw emotions. If you are struggling with mental health and reading poems about suicide, anorexia, bulimia, or any other severe mental health illness, please read with caution. I do not want any of my works to trigger anyone. Writing these poems has helped me cope with ugly truths and scary emotions. Sometimes, people can find hope in literature like this. Though some of my poems are discomforting and sometimes dark, it shows that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life is not a realm of complete darkness, but rather a spectrum of emotions. There's always going to be good and bad times. My poems are a reflection of this. So, I do not always write about my darkest times, but I include times were I felt like the universe was smiling down upon me.

Just know, if you're reading this and are struggling with mental health, we are in this together and you are not alone. It's okay to be struggling with mental health as long as you are taking the time to grow.

And one day...

We will fully understand ourselves and heal.