Dancing with Tears In My Eyes

Update: 06/01/2015

So today I was discharged from my psychiatrist, who I have been seeing since October 2013. I am not ashamed to admit that I have had an experience with mental health issues, but the most important thing to remember is that even if I'm damaged inside, I still have feelings, and I am still very much human. I can still feel emotions, still feel hurt, still have logical thought processes like any other human.

I know that some of you  (@BreanneRichter @Skullyboi95 @AtlantaCurless @Clarecurless79C ) won't agree with the decision my psychiatrist had made, because you all believe that I am pathetic, psychotic and a danger to others. That's your own opinion of me. You are not medical professionals, and therefore cannot make a comment on my mental judgement when you don't understand the intricate workings of the inner mind. I may react in a different way to situations, but isn't that true for every single person? Do we not all react differently to situations? So how can you tell me that I am psychotic and pathetic when your own reaction was the same, if not far worse? 

In reality, you couldn't be further from the truth. You have to look beyond the tears and inside the lies to really understand what's going on inside someone else's head. If you think that I am inferior because I have a mental illness, you are wrong. I am equal to everyone else. I have the same chances as anyone else, the same rights as anyone else, the same amount of humanity as anyone else. I live and work and breathe just as any other person would. I feel emotions such as love and hate and fear just like anyone else. You have never known what it is like to be in so much internal pain for weeks and weeks that it makes you physically ill and stops your from feeling anything at all. You have never lain awake for days on end, because your mind is constantly worrying about the little insignificant things and weaving a whole new web of problems that leave you in fear of your own mind.

What you have to understand is that I have lived far more in my eighteen years on this planet than most people do in a lifetime. I have had more life experiences than so many others, and I would not change it for the world, even if what I have seen and experienced has made me depressed and anxious. These experiences have made me who I am today, and I am much stronger now than I was a year ago. They have shaped my past, and will continue to shape my future. I have stayed strong through good times and bad. I am still here today because I was strong when I needed to be: when so many others were telling me to go and kill myself because I was worthless, when so many others were bullying me because I was the personified form of their own mind, when I was completely alone and had nothing and no one. 

I might have been discharged from my psychiatrist, but that does not mean that I am fully cured. Wounds in the mind never fully heal. The wounds in my head are still very raw. The pain and sadness will never truly go away, but after a time will become bearable. I am proud of how far I have come, and I will never give in to the demons inside my head.

I have faced the darkest of hours, and I have won.

Hold on, pain ends.

If you need me for anything at all, no matter how big or how small, no matter what time of day it is, I will be there for you if you need me.

I am a survivor of that war inside my mind.

This is the story of my survival, and this is how it ends.