One shot that pop up in my mind

I am a mess (English )

My feelings keep storming and hurting my heart. Day after day after day. Tears never fall but silent scream are seen. I can't talk about it, I don't even know why I try to find someone who won't judge me or accept me. This one person I momentarily used to tell everything come talk to me only when they are at their lowest. Where are they when I am at mine? They never have time to just talk about their day. Their friends who are never there when they are feeling bad need their time but what about me? I am always there when they are not good. I support them even in they worst choices.
Whatever, you see my point, I can't talk to anyone about this burning and destructing fire. Did you ever felt like that? I guess so. Or else you probably wouldn't be here reading the thought of a depressive guy.
I could talk to one of my teachers, but she could tell about all of it to someone, it could lead to a very bad end. I don't trust anybody, I can't help it. G-d I don't even trust my parents, my toxic parents, how am I supposed to trust?

Sometimes I wish I had someone to love, someone who understands me, where all is simple, where I won't have to try to be someone else. Acting is growing harder everyday.
I wish I had someone to cuddle with or stand silent at each other's side when hard time comes. Or read silently and then talk about some books we read. Whatever, I will never be able to have that, I am too strange, too old minded, too me.
So I let the rain fall on my face hoping I will disappear when the clouds go away.

I scream silently all the air I have in my lungs, trying to release all this madness growing inside of me. Sometimes it works, but it always come back. Death pop into my mind and the depression break all my energy. Will I ever be okay?
How can I throw it away?

Nobody see it this pain devouring my brain and my heart, becoming hate and anger. Because I don't know anything more. How did I even became this, this beast of angst and madness? Wanting to destroy everyone it thinks responsible for my pain.
I lost everything I had. I... am not innocent, I pushed away. Why? Because I was raised this way, my mother had to approve every friend I could have. Growing up I thought nobody was worth enough, nobody was good to me. Why? Because every friend I brought home wasn't good enough and never could come back or even talk to me. My mother now want me to bring friends ? Hell, I can't because I am not worth to anyone, and because she would think they are not good enough or trust worthy. Who isn't worthy? Me.

My mind is a storming mess, full of thoughts and full of pain. But nothing beside my eyes show it. And no one look into my eyes, my head is always lowered, my eyes are always aggressive. I hide it too well to have someone paying attention.
No one ask either and no one care tho, when will it be the end?