How Noah from the Bible Became Bernie Sanders

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by owmynose

by owmynose

*Lightning strikes over the evil-covered planes of Mesopotamia. (Is that where genesis takes place? I literally do not remember.)*

People across the land are sinning, and sinning a WHOLEEEEEEE lot at that. Yikes! Talk about a bad time...

In a little town next to a forest, a man named Noah is hammering away at a piece of wood.

"Ughhhhh. This kind of sucks to be honest." Noah mutters to himself as he works on his craft. Exactly what he's working on is unclear. But one thing is for certain: it's a boat. So like, I guess it actually is pretty clear. I don't know why I said it wasn't.

Anyways, Noah is building this boat or whatever, and it looks okay I guess. I mean like, it doesn't have a motor, and it's definitely not big enough to support, idk uhhhh... two of every kind of animal and all the food it would take to feed them for a year, but it could definitely float I bet.

As Noah hits another nail into the mahogany, his son walks up to him.

"Hey dad," says Noah Jr.

"What tf do you want I'm literally busy working on building this big ass boat." Noah replies.

"Oh sorry," says Noah Jr. sheepishly, "It's nothing. I'll just go away."

"Seriously? That was it??" Noah snaps back, "Why don't you go eat some grass, since you wanna be so sheepish."

Interactions like this may seem strange to the outsider, but they were common in the day. This is just the dynamic that Noah had with his family. I never said it was healthy.

Okay, this is boring. Let's skip ahead.

Noah finishes the boat right before God sends an enormous flood to kill all the evil sinners who are playing D&D and making their hair different colors. It kills everyone. Just a total shitstorm. After all is said and done, only Noah, his family, and two of every animal survive. As I mentioned earlier, that shouldn't have been physically or biologically possible. But God just used god-magic to fill in the plotholes. It's really not important how it worked out seeing as how it's literally not explained in the bible at all.

As you can imagine though, Noah is totally shocked at how nice it is to not have to work while he's on the boat. God is just auto-feeding all the animals so Noah can just like chill out for a year. There's also free healthcare on the boat because God is based.

After he gets off the boat, Noah decides to live for like, way too long. So long, in fact, that he's able to run for president in the years 2016 and 2020. His past life experiences have motivated him to fight for human rights like housing, food, and healthcare. But, he knows he can never win an election with the name "Moses" because it sounds too much like "Ted Cruz" and he doesn't want to be associated with him. So, in his vast wisdom that has been refined over millennia, he changes his name to "Bernie Sanders" because it sounds cooler. Also, he's white now, because it's America and *some people* think that one black president was already enough for a while.

THE END