𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐊𝐄 𝐖𝐄 𝐌𝐀𝐃𝐄 ; 𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘬𝘢

008 | JEAN'S POV

The first time I met her I was seven. My mom had talked to me about a remarkable girl who was destined to be my fiancé. An arranged marriage was one of the things I didn't need in my life. Especially at my young age. But I didn't get a word in it. It was just established.

I whined for a while, telling my mom she was ridiculous. I didn't want to get married. I told all the adults that I didn't want this. But they just laughed at me. They thought I was a joke. It made me so mad. But when she came into my life it all changed.

Once she walked in, my chest tightened. She was beautiful. Her luminous dark hair tucked to her right shoulder was the first thing that caught my attention. Then it was her eyes. Those narrow dark eyes took everything in. She was an ocean. Deep and beautiful.

But I was afraid of sharks.

While getting to know her I learned that she was stubborn. A girl with strong beliefs. Nobody could come to tell her she was wrong. But she was also gentle. Just like a river after the storm. Mikasa Ackerman. I came to fall in love with that girl. But she wasn't in love with me. So I tried harder. I changed my personality in front of her. I acted cooler and flexed more, hoping that would attract her.

It never worked, however. Just made me seem more of a fool. But at that time I had hope that someday she could see all the hard work I was doing. I was nine when all my hope was shattered the day Mikasa brought me up to the oak tree. Where I met him.

The liar.

He had lied to all of us, including Mikasa. Nonetheless, she didn't care. She didn't care enough about the fact that he lied about his name. But it wasn't just that one thing that bothered me. It was the way she looked at him. What did he have that I didn't? I didn't want to admit but I was jealous of Eren. He had swept Mikasa off her feet without even trying.

Why not me? Then, the Ackerman tragedy happened. Mikasa went missing. I tried looking around for her. I would go out to search for her, despite my parents' protests of how dangerous it was. But I never found her. Eren did. Of course, he did. And God, I hugged that boy.

He kept her safe. Did the thing I couldn't do. Gave me another reason why he deserved her more than I did. That was the only time I showed kindness to Eren. It would always be the two of us bickering with each other. A few months later, Mikasa had to leave. I said goodbye, promised to write. My parents didn't let me go see her off at the train station. So I saw her take a taxi. She rolled down the window and pressed her hand against her pink lips, blowing a kiss towards me.

I felt my whole body tremble. Was it hope? A kiss. I ran into my room and grabbed pencils and papers and started sketching that exact scene before the memory of it washed off my brain.

Eight years went by. I kept writing to Mikasa but there was one point where she stopped answering my letters. Then social media came and writing letters to people became old. That's when Mikasa really disappeared. I didn't know about her for a very long time.

A few years later, I got a call from her aunt. She informed me about Mikasa's arrival at Shiganshina. I was delighted to be the one to welcome her back. And so I arrived at the train station, an hour earlier. I searched everywhere until I found her.

It was like the first time all over again. Her hair had gotten longer, her dark eyes had lightened into a soft grey, fingers wrapped on red fabric. There she was. Mikasa. My Mikasa. The woman I adored. This was my second chance to make things right and I wasn't about to screw it up.

Through the months of being with Mikasa, I had discovered a lot. She had changed. Mikasa wasn't the girl who was confident and gentle anymore. She was indecisive and broken in so many ways. I witnessed all the times she suffered and lost control. All the time she didn't know what she wanted or how to act.

And I was harsh with her. I thought maybe being tough would make her feel better. I didn't want to see her crying every ten minutes anymore. I wanted her to heal. I wanted to see her better. But I was impatient. I wanted her to forget about Eren.

My throat burned every time she cried for Eren. Because I knew that she would never forget Eren. Because I knew that she would never care about me as she did for Eren.

Because I will always be her second choice.

I will never be enough for her.

I will never be Eren for her.

I know she doesn't want to be with me. I know that more than anyone. But I loved her. I thought I had a chance. But I was proven wrong. Maybe I was more in love with the idea of loving than being in love with her.

So now I am knelt in front of her, ring in between my fingers, asking her to marry me. I was shaking. It was just one word she needed to say. Her face was flushed, lip trembling. Was I putting too much pressure on her?

Just one word Mikasa. Please.

I'd never had thought that I would want one word said this badly. Especially from Mikasa's mouth. My breathing became rapid with every passing second. I felt the eyes burning my back. My foot started to fall asleep from staying in this position for too long. My stomach turned, all the food threatening to come back up.

"Mikasa?" I ask. I feel the beads of sweat start forming in my forehead.

Mikasa looked at me, eyes shining.

"No. I'm sorry."

My eyes widen as I feel the tears start forming. Mikasa runs out of the restaurant. I hear the waiters telling the musicians to give me space. My breath comes out in a shaky pattern.

Relief. That's what I felt. I wasn't giving up on Mikasa yet. But I needed a break. I think we both did. And she picked the right decision. I chuckle softly. "You were always wise, Mikasa," I whisper to myself as I walk out of the restaurant, leaving the money on the table. Thank you, Mikasa.