Narration II
MY HEART is pounding frantically. I'm terrified and can't put into words how I'm feeling right now. Para akong masusuka sa sobrang kaba.
Kaya ko bang sabihin kay Tyler ang tungkol sa anak niya?
Paano kung magalit siya sakin? Paano kung humiling siya nang bagay na hindi ko kayang ibigay maliban sa magkaroon ng karapatan sa anak niya?
Gulong-gulo na ako.
Ayaw kong ipagkait ang anak niya sakaniya dahil alam kong 'yon ang tama, pero paano kung mas may higit pa doon siyang hilingin sakin? Paano kung gusto niyang magpakasal kami at magkaroon ng relasyon?
Hindi ko kaya.
Ayaw ko. Natatakot ako. Sobra!
Para akong mababaliw sa mga naiisip ko, pero agad ko ring kinalma ang sarili ko bago humantong na naman sa masama ang kalagayan ko kagaya nang nangyari noong nakaraan. I wouldn't risk my baby's health again. Sobra akong natakot nang mawalan ako ng malay dahil sa sobrang stress, at hindi ko mapapatawad ang sarili ko kapag may nangyaring masama sa anak ko dahil sa hindi ko pag-iingat.
May kalahating oras nalang bago dumating si Tyler. Gusto ko sanang makipagkita sakaniya sa labas, pero nagpumilit siya na siya na lang daw ang pupunta dito sa apartment ko. Hindi na rin ako tumanggi dahil hinabilin rin ng OB ko na magpahinga ako nang todo.
Sa sobrang kaba ko buong araw, ni hindi ako nakapag-handa man lang ng snacks para kay Tyler. Pagkatapos ko kasi siyang makausap kanina sa messenger at sabihing magkita kami ngayon, hindi na ako mapakali nang sobra.
Maya-maya lang at nakarinig na ako nang pagkatok sa pintuan.
"You can do this!" I chastised myself while I unconsciously caressed my baby bump. I simply wore an oversize shirt and maternity leggings. Kasya pa naman sakin ang mga damit ko, pero iniisip ko kasi na baka maipit si baby kapag nagsuot ako nang masisikip na damit.
Huminga muna ako nang malalim bago nag tungo sa pintuan.
With a smile, Tyler greeted me. "Hi,"
"Pasok ka," I said, opening the front door wider so he could come inside.
"I bought sandwiches," he said. I noticed the bag that he was holding. Panandaliang nanlaki 'yong mata ko nang makita ko kung saan siya bumili ng sandwich. Sa paborito kong sandwich place siya bumili. Mabilis akong nakaramdam ng gutom.
A smile appeared on my lips. "Kain muna tayo?"
He nodded his head, "Sure. I'm hungry too." He let out a soft chuckle.
I led him to the dining table. He set up the table with the sandwiches while I got the orange juice from the refrigerator.
We were both quiet while we ate our sandwiches. Halos maubos ko agad 'yong binili niyang sandwich. Hindi ko alam kung nagkataon lang ba, pero paborito ko 'tong sandwich na binili niya. Tama rin 'yong meat at mga veggies na pinalagay niya.
"I was in the hospital the other day, which is why I couldn't meet you." I was the one who broke the silence between us. Tyler's eyes shifted and met mine. Hindi ko mabasa 'yong expression sa mukha niya. Hindi rin siya mukhang galit.
I swallowed. My heart begins to pound once again. My stomach churns and I feel like I'm going to vomit, but I'm determined to do this. It's either now or never. I don't want to prolong the inevitable.
"I'm pregnant," I stated.
I did it. I said it.
My eyes involuntarily closed as I waited to hear what Tyler had to say. Everything around us seemed to come to a halt.
Minutes had passed. Tyler heaved a deep breath before saying, "I know. I know that you're pregnant."
Agad akong nag mulat ng mata at hindi makapaniwala sa narinig ko mula kay Tyler. Alam niya? Kailan pa? Sinong nagsabi sakaniya? Paano niya nalaman? Sobrang daming tanong ang gusto kong itanong sakaniya, pero para akong napipi habang nanalaki ang mata na nakatingin sakaniya.
Tyler reached for my hand that was on top of the table, gently squeezing it. He faced me before his lips grew into a smile.
"I was there, MJ. I know that you were rushed into the hospital. I'm not going to say who told me because that doesn't matter anymore." He paused for a second to sigh in relief. "What matters to me is that you told me the truth."
Gulong-gulo pa rin ako sa mga naririnig ko. He was there?
"I'm sorry kung hindi ko agad sinabi sa'yo ang totoo." Mas lumawak ang ngiti sa labi niya. "Kung alam mo lang kung gaano ako kasaya nang malaman kong magkakaanak tayo—"
"I'm not going to marry you, Tyler." I cut him off. Dahan-dahan niyang nabitawan ang pagkakahawak sa kamay ko. His eyes narrowed in confusion.
"What... What are you saying,"
"Hindi ko sinabi sa'yo ang tungkol sa bata dahil gusto kitang pakasalanan. You know from the very start that I don't want to be in a relationship at all."
"Huh," napasandal siya sa upuan. The distress on his face makes it difficult for me to convey all of this, but it is the truth.
"I'm sorry, Tyler, but all I can offer you is the right to be the father of your kid. You're not obligated to take care of me." I shifted my gaze away from him. Hindi ko siya magawang tignan sa mata.
Hindi naman ako tanga. Alam kong gusto ako ni Tyler, pero hindi ko kayang ibalik sakaniya 'yong pagmamahal niya para sakin. Ayaw ko siyang paasahin sa wala kaya hanggat maaari, gusto kong maging totoo sakaniya.
"That's so unfair. You've already shot me down before I've even had the chance to propose to you." He sneered.
"I'm sorry, Tyler."
"But I'm not going down without a fight, MJ. I'm not sure why you became so opposed to being in a relationship, but if you could just give me a chance. I'll show you what a Tyler Mason can do when he falls in love."
W H A T Y A S E Y
