death by a thousand cuts

PART I - Chapter 1

PART I

Chapter I

"I was there, I remember it all too well"

Winter's POV

It was beautiful. To say it was beautiful would be an understatement. I could write a long list of adjectives to express how great it was, but it would probably take me years. Despite how ugly it turned out, I still think it was beautiful.

These days, all I do is stare off into the distance, always walking down memory lane, and wishing that you and I remained the same. Everything still feels real. As if you're still you, I'm still me, and we're still us. But it's not real, is it? We were young and naïve, but I'm certain that what we had was true. Perhaps, it is one of the many reasons why I will always be saddened by the future that will no longer exist.

I think it is funny and incredibly heartbreaking. I had never believed in any God before, but after losing you, I prayed to each one since there was nothing else I could do. I was hoping for some sort of divine intervention to help things become better. However, you said that our relationship had no future. There is nothing a god can do about it.

Nevertheless, I tried to fix whatever was broken. I begged on my knees. I waited patiently. I sped through every red light simply to get to you. I never complained. I never asked you something grand. I simply asked that you love me in the same way that I loved you. I made every effort to comprehend what you were feeling. From the moment we started working, I embraced the fact that we won't always have the time to be with each other. You're working three jobs and mine required me to travel a lot. But we promised to meet halfway. At first, I was relieved.

However, things became extremely tough for you. You didn't have time for yourself, much less for me. All I could do was support you because you were always working. You didn't want me to help you pay your bills or even give financial support to your family. I didn't mind because I figured it was the least I could do to help lessen your burden, and I care about the people and things you care about. But you refused and I didn't insist anymore.

Then our relationship became a burden for you.

"Where did we go wrong?" I still wonder to this day. "What did I do wrong?"

But you said, it's not me. It's you. You said you're the problem. And that's just bullshit. I did my best to understand you. I accepted you for who you are. I never asked you to change for me, and I never interfered with your work. I never asked for anything, but only one thing. I couldn't care less about anything but you. Perhaps, that was a burden for you. Because it no longer felt right to you. It felt like an obligation to you to call or text me back. I could see it in your eyes. You've had enough of it. To me, it seemed like you'd given up long before we broke up. That was the most painful part for me. I felt like an idiot for trying to win a losing battle. I felt like you betrayed me.

Did you really love me, Karina? Was I not enough? Did I suffocate or overwhelm you? Why do I feel sorry for what I did for you and our relationship? I tried saving us. Isn't it reasonable to try to save something that means a lot to you?

It's been a year since we ended our relationship. It feels like it happened only a few days ago. The wound hasn't healed yet. Every muscle and bone in my body hurts, yearning for something that isn't here any longer.

I used to believe that getting over a heartbreak was a waste of time. Like, okay? Just get over it. But now that I'm the one dealing with it, it feels like a bucket of ice cold water is being poured on me.