Our Toxic Love

Toxic

Our love was toxic, didn't matter how many times he said he would change he never.Didn't matter how many times he would cry at my feet and beg, he still repeatedly did the same things. Even when my heart was shattered and broken on the floor, and he could visibly see me dying inside he still bullied me, called me names whilst spitting in my face, he had more respect for strangers and he still ripped away any good piece left of me bit by bit.I loved him, unconditionally, he could break me but it was "ok" because he was hurting too, he was broken too, right? WRONG, I am not and will not ever be someone's emotional or physical punch bag, but I was no matter how many times he would plead with me that he'd change I should of known he would never. I wanted to fix him, be the person that madehim do things differently, made him a better man, love him and mould him. I could look into his eyes, they would shine the colour of sweet chocolate in the sun and watch his freckles make endless patterns on his tan skin. His lips sweet to the taste and passionate with their touch, hands caressing my body endlessly.Feeling nothing but warmth and lust because the man that i loved, loved me back, at least in that moment. The sex was amazing, no matter how low I was before I was now on top of the world, he cared, he whispered how much he loved me into my ear softly.Before he reached his peak and I was useless again, I meant nothing and he became cold. Shut off and angry, I was no longer sexy, no longer wanted, I was no longer enough. Only two days ago a pregnancy test showed I was carrying his babybut the fear stopped me from telling him, Our sweet baby I was growing, my little bit of hope was tucked up safe in my belly. I know now I have to leave but as soon as I tell him there is a baby would he let me? Of course he wouldn't, This baby was my sunshine, my courage my faith and I needed to protect them. I lay naked and cold on the bed with the reminder of our passionate sex pooling out of me, feeling disgusted in myself that the man who dared lay his hands on me this morning worked his way back into my body again.The man that satisfied himself with other women whilst i stay here and look after his home.Ashamed of myself for giving up so easy, and as I showered to wash the remainder of our love away I cried silently, taking my own fists and crashing them against my own head, punishing myself for being weak, for giving in. A young broken girl crumbling in her own sorrow, I was lost. Leaving the bathroom to smell the air filled with cigarette smoke, he's now pacing on the phone in the kitchen with the door closed, his voice is angry, sharp and very straight to the point. Someone is angering him, waiting anxiously on the sofa, listening out for his foot steps, how long will it be? Trying to watch the time but also hiding my phone, he will smash that too if I'm not careful, like he smashes everything else. He enters the living room, eyes filled with rage, my stomach drops, do i ask if he is ok when he is very clearly not. I don'twant to anger him anymore. I was stupid and asked anyway, his eyes darted straight over to mine, I should of kept my mouth shut. His breathing was faster than normal, fists clenched tight, he loosens his fist and straightens his hand out. And there i feel it,the sharp slap that spread across my face, it burns, it stings and I shriek out in pain. His right hand gripping tightly around my neck, the air escaping my mouth, my lungs demanding to take another breath and eyes filling with tears again and his he ballshis hand into a fist and repeatedly punches me, all over, not just in one place. I tried to keep my cries quiet and I know it will only upset him more. My body is tense, stiff as a board, the punches are hard, not only can I feel them I can hear them it sounds like rocks hitting my skin. I catch a glimpse of his hand, covered in blood, I'm staring straight into his eyes and i canfeel I'm getting weak. He normally calms down by now but each blow to my face and stomach are growing harder. My cries fall silent and I no longer fight back, I lay still, each breath getting more and more shallow. The pain has become numb, I can feel my body jolting with each hit but I no longer feel the anything. I just stare into the beautiful eyes I fell in love with. My body slowly giving up, I know that I'm dying, if only I had left this morning these moments currently wouldn't be filled with me trying to take my last breath. His eyes widen in realisationthe punches stop and his fists unclench, and he strokes my face whilst crying out my name. He knows now he's taken it further than before he has pushed my body past its limits, I can feel the warmth of my own blood surround my body and he calls out my name.Every time he screams he sounds further and further away, even the picture of his distressed face becomes more and more unfocused. He is a blurry imagine of panic and frustration, his voice cracking quietly in the back ground, my body still but my mind racing a million miles an hour. Did he love me in his own way? Is the thought of prison on his mind?I take in this moment fully as I begin to fade away, My body shaking, choking on my own bloodtears rolling down my face as I knew I'd never see that face again. I wasn't sure if I was happy or sad but I guess he could no longer hurt me, but no one knew of my abuse so who was I to run to?My poor baby, I though I could protect but I couldn't even protect myself, I wish I had just walked away, told my mum, somebody. 9 months from now I could of been holding my son or daughter but even that he took away, dead was my only way out right?I hated myself and as I lay here dying, those were my thoughts, He broke me, more than he ever had and I'm sorry to myself, I'm sorry to our unborn child and as my eyes close and I stop punishing myself and reminiscing, I finally let go finally let my lungs empty completely, I could no longer hear his cries or see his face, It was silent, no heartbeat just completely still.No fear or pain, it was calm for once and I finally felt ok. Our love was toxic and I died today.