Heartache Intensity

Friendship Romance? Dangerous!

Friendship and romance is a dangerous combo to be in really really dangerous. But, then again I already dug myself too deep of a grave when this happened. But, I should probably tell you how it all started. Well, this happened a few months ago in around the first week of school, I was sitting there waiting for my dad and my friend, Kai came up to me and yea, I was surprised because I didn't see him for an entire day on the first day of school. He hugged me and said, "I missed you." He meant that in a friendly way, knowing that I hugged him back and I said, "I missed you too." I know it sounds cheesy, but I only meant that in a friendly way cause obviously, we're friends. I'd do that to any of my friends if I haven't seen them around.

Another instance I can think of where I felt like I fell for him is when I had a panic attack and cried a few months ago and Kai was there, calming me down, hugging me and trying to cheer me up and he was there for me every single step of the way until I was calm enough to think straight. Am I thankful for that? Yea, of course I am. He's done so much for me and I honestly still don't know how to repay him for what he's done for me and my mental health. I hate depending on him, but, it happens. I can't really help it either cause I'm always the one going to him to talk to about my mental health issues. I can go to my other friend, Belle but when I had a mass panic attack, her and I we were close but not close enough that I can say what's on my mind to her. When I tell my problems to Kai, it's like he knows how to calm me down. It hit me, I fell in love with Kai, someone I can call my friend. It's hard to say any of your problems to other people like family because they sometimes brush it off like it's nothing especially with mental health issues in my family. That's only why Kai was the person I can trust for all my problems with life and I guess it's how it is in life, you have that one person you can trust and say what's going on in your mind no matter how complicated the problem gets.

"I'm here for you." This is the sentence that lingers in my mind whenever Kai texts me that or even says it to me when I see him while having a panic attack or I'm stressed out like hell. But there were times when I get those shots of anxiety and Kai isn't there to help me, so I'm there crying my eyes out until I can get a hold of Kai and him being concerned for me. There are also times when I don't even say anything to Kai about my anxiety attack and he's just there not knowing what to do about it and he thinks I'm fine but reality check, I'm not. I only do that is to protect him because I don't want him to get hurt while I'm having an anxiety attack. I can get really really violent on my anxiety attack, so far there are no incidents where I hurt someone because of my anxiety attacks... yet. I know I have nothing to worry about when it comes to hurting someone but, please it's bound to happen one day.

The sayings that Kai said to me throughout my problematic anxiety attacks and stress are:
"Hey... you okay??"
"What's wrong???"
"I'm here for you."
"You can do it."
"You got this."
"I believe in you."
"Just take deep breaths and take breaks."
There's a lot but those are the ones that Kai said to me the most whenever I'm stressed, having a panic attack or having an anxiety attack. All because I bottle up problems to the point I break my own mind with negative thoughts and shit. Been there, done that break my own mind into believing I'm not good enough or even try and hurt myself. Well, yea Kai doesn't know this because I never tell him the effects of me breaking my own mind just to, obviously protect Kai from getting hurt because of me. That's how much I love him, I'd protect him even if my life is on the line.

Being honest, I think that I opened up more to Kai than anyone else in my friend group, or even my family. Maybe it's just because he's easier to open up to than my other friends and my family. Is it weird?? No, not really in my opinion I just find him easier to trust when it comes to my mental problems. Well, maybe that should be my excuse for when people ask me about Kai and why I trust him. I already dug a grave for myself might as well make it worse by actually falling in love with the friend I trust the most with my life's problems and risking the friendship he and I built. What kind of person am I? Who does this to their friend? I guess I did that. Fall in love with the person I built my trust and my friendship with. Will this friendship crumble if I say anything about my feelings for Kai??? Hopefully not. I will legit beg to god that this friendship doesn't crumble to the biggest mistake I made in my entire life.

To say that I can't live with myself if I don't say anything, but I also I won't live with myself if I said something about my feelings. So I held off until then all because of fear to lose the one person I trust, care and love. I'm clearly an Idiot for falling in love with someone that I can call a real friend and he's a really really nice person... and I can't bare to lose him. I already lost so many friends just going to a different school. I can't lose anyone else as trusting, as sweet and as caring as him. I just can't live with it. NO FREAKING WAY! I am NOT losing him to my stupid feelings for him! I already risked a lot going to school somewhere else other than the town I was in for 5.5 years of my elementary school life.

Honestly, I don't know why or how I'm like this, I'm a hopeless cause of a human when it comes to love... how do I survive life when I'm so hopelessly in love? It's a difficult situation I'm in. If he ends up getting a girlfriend before I could even confess, then that's okay. I'll be fine... I hope I will. As long as he's happy then I'm fine... right?