dear jimin

[seventy three]

may 27

dear jimin,

for a moment i just stood there, unsure of what to do, before hoseok seemed to snap out of whatever daze he was in and threw his arms around me.

it was kind of nice, standing there, letting him hug me.

it made me think of how things used to be before everything went so very wrong.

when he was my best friend and knew me inside and out, the way taehyung knew you.

he took me inside when we pulled away and let me sit on the couch and went to pour me a glass of water. i could see his hands were shaking as he held the cup from where i was sitting, but i said nothing as he came back and set it before me and asked me how i was doing.

i sort of laughed at that, but i told him about rehab, about byeol, about how taehyung has been taking care of me since i got out, about how i tried to contact him but couldn't seem to get in touch.

he told me he's been kind of out of it since that night too.

i guess i can understand why. seeing your best friend unconscious on the floor surrounded by a pool of blood would be a traumatic experience for anyone. especially after your other friend had died just a few months prior.

what he said lined up with what little taehyung had told me.

after the paramedics carried me out, he said he kind of lost it. started hyperventilating at the sight of blood, lived in a constant state of paranoia, unable to recognize what was real and what wasn't.

he said he went to a couple support groups and has been seeing a therapist regularly and i told him i was proud of him. for doing what i couldn't and finding a way to become stronger than the past that haunted me.

he told me he was proud of me too. for still being here. he said he knew how hard that was for me.

i can't remember when the tears started, but all i remember is that i started crying and he moved closer to give me something to lean against and i buried my head in his shoulder and just let myself... feel.