DAUGHTER OF BILLIE EILISH

25) struggling

trigger warning kinda; self harm, bullying

your pov

Lately I've felt so joyless and sad. I can't really describe it but it feels like there's nothing I want to do. Mom doesn't know because I don't want to tell her.

She's right now out, getting groceries with Jacob. They've been good i guess, but i haven't been. I sometimes wish I'm not here. Just when I got the idea of self harming again, i heard the keys jiggle in front of the door and the front door got unlocked.

„Y/n!!??", „are you home?" mom practically screamed through the whole house. I walked downstairs with a smile, pretending I'm okay. I know it's not good to keep everything in but I also can't tell mom, she'll get upset.

Mom embraced me in a tight hug with her chin resting on my head. „Are you feeling okay love bug?" i nodded quickly and smiled.

After our little hugging session we put away all the groceries and got outside to our garden. There we had a chill out area with a big couch and a little glass table.

I sat down and got my AirPods out, to listen to some music. Not soon after, mom sat next to me.

„Is everything okay love?" she asked kindly. I don't deserve her damn. I nodded again and closed my eyes turning back to what I did before. A pair of arms were around me and softly leaned me into mom's embrace.

„I know school has been stressful with all those new people and shit. But I'm so proud of you for trying, please never forget that" mom smiled.

———

I'm laying on the bathroom floor silently crying in pain. I did it again and I regret it so much. The cuts on my wrist were bleeding more then usual and the pain was getting stronger by each second.

I've never cut so deep before but I guess there's always a first time right. The blood was pouring out of the fresh cuts so I grabbed a first aid kit and took out the bandages.

The familiar sting on the wounds when I cleaned them, made me clench my teeth. Tears streaming down my cheeks and sweat dripping down my forehead.

I finished cleaning them and put away all the stuff. After, I laid in bed and cried myself to sleep. The usual.

———

It's the next day and I'm in the changing rooms for gym class. Yesterday I didn't thought about the fact that everyone will see my scars but I couldn't just walk away and tell mom I didn't want to go there.
She would ask why and I couldn't tell her.

So I changed into my t-shirt and leggings which showed a lot of my body image. Horror. I hated it and especially since you could see the bandage. I walked out already getting dumb stares and people began to whisper to their friends.

In that moment all I wanted to do was run away and never return to this school. But I didn't and just stood there waiting for the lesson to begin.

———

Finally it was done and I walked back to the changing rooms when I felt a presence next to me.
It was a girl, she must've been in my age.

She pulled me further away from the others so they won't hear the conversation.

„U a little ‚depressed' huh" she laughed. The others heard it and laughed too. „We know you just do it for attention" another girl said

Soon enough there were so many voices telling me how I didn't deserve to be alive and much more so I grabbed my stuff and ran out. I ran to the bathrooms and locked myself in one of the stalls to finish changing.

They were right. I didn't deserve to be alive.

I should leave.