Wicked Love | √

Twenty Five

CANDY, popcorn, and margaritas surround me as I sit in the living room of my apartment and spill every detail of my night with Preston to my best friends.

It's been a week since lust night and it's taken me those seven days to fully wrap my head around what transpired between Preston and myself. To finally break it all down and understand the emotions that are so deeply entangled between us, and even then I'm still so utterly and deeply fucking confused.

After I walked out of the room leaving him behind, and my necklace, I grabbed my coat and left the party. I wasn't going to ruin my friend's night because of my own downfall. My own mistakes. My own stupidity.

Annabelle was talking to her crush and looking happier than ever, and Elizabeth had disappeared, but the party was reaching new heights of wildness the later the night wore on. People were naked. Drugs were being crushed and snorted. Moans echoed from every inch of the apartment and it took every piece of me to not crack under the weight of what was surrounding me. To not shed a tear as emotions overwhelmed me, and reminded me of what I had for just a few minutes in a dark room, as I escaped the party feeling like a complete fool.

I grabbed an Uber home and immediately showered because I needed the smell of him off of me. It was suffocating. It was intoxicating. I had to wash him away once and for all.

But he didn't leave after the shower. He continued to linger in the ache between my legs. He lingered in the hickey on my neck that blossomed and turned darker as the days passed. He lingered in the bite mark on my thigh that turned purple.

He lingered. But I tried to make sure he wouldn't last.

And since that night he's listened to my request. He hasn't reached out to me. He hasn't found me and attempted to get close. I haven't even seen him on campus.

He's staying away, and it hurts more than it should but I don't let the pain fester and overtake me. Instead I shove it down so deep that I'm able to push forward day by day. I'm able to focus on classes. On myself.

But I also find myself retreating. Avoiding my friends in attempts to pretend that night never happened. That I wasn't rattled to my bone by the feelings he released from the depths of my soul.

Preston's words he whispered to me that night are still etched into my mind, but also his lack of words when I truly needed them the most are now painfully carved into my heart.

They are there. No matter what I do. But I continue to pretend I don't feel anything and move on. I make myself turn cold so the memory of his heat doesn't burn so much.

But not tonight though. Tonight I let myself feel, but only a little, and share everything because I can't hide from them anymore. They are my friends. My very best friends. The women who love me no matter what, and they don't deserve my cold demeanor and constant avoidance.

Maybe at the beginning of the school year I would've been okay with that and I know they still would've loved me despite my many flaws. But something's changed within me these past few months. I've changed. I'm different. And I'll always have these flaws but I can also work through them with the people I know will love me unconditionally.

And that's Annabelle and Elizabeth.

"So it's over?" my roommate asks with a handful of gummy worms in her hands and eyes locked in on me.

Both Annabelle and her cousin have been quiet for the past half hour as I tell them everything. They've been extremely attentive, hanging on to every word, as I try to not crack straight down the middle from reliving the night.

And even though they are silent, I can feel their support from their quiet and kind smiles. I hold onto them as I let my mouth take over and spill every detail and keep my heart in the dark from the pain that aches to cut even deeper.