Our Fresh Start (On Hold)

Would You Stay?

Bucky

I sat and stared at the water after Meadow had gone inside and mulled over her words. Would the me from before the war be proud of the man I am now. I shrugged, it was too weird to think about but the more I tried to ignore the question the more it burned. Would I be proud of who I had become?

No! Screamed in my head but when I thought about why, it wasn't the fact that I was a killer, a monster it was the fact that I had this opportunity and I was throwing it away. I wouldn't talk to Dr Raynor and I had been pushing Sam away and for what...because I think I don't deserve happiness. Maybe Meadow was right, this was my second chance. A chance where I can make amends for the wrong I had done under Hydra's control and actually start living my life. I shook my head, I wasn't ready for that debate just yet. I eventually followed her inside when Sam yelled that dinner was ready.

Meadow

We all sat around the dinner table and the conversation held up mainly by Sam and Sarah ebbed and flowed, the boys laughed and joked with Sam and I was happy to see that Lilly was eating and laughing along with them. She deserved to be a child and I was happy that here she finally could be.

Bucky and I cleaned up as Sarah got the boys ready for bed. I saw Sam answer a text and head to the computer in the corner of the living room but I focused on the task I was doing. I washed the dishes and Bucky dried them off and stacked them on the counter. We worked in silence, the only noise coming from the television in the living room. It was comforting, neither of us needed to fill the silence with chatter, both of us in our own heads. We worked together to pack the dishes away.

Sarah ushered the boys to bed and took Lilly with her, "I'll put her down." she said following them all upstairs. Bucky pulled out another beer for each of us and leaned against the kitchen counter next to me. "Did you get dusted?" he asked me softly. I shook my head, "No, sometimes I wished my husband did, I could have left him sooner but no, we stayed. I was pregnant with Lilly at the time. She is honestly my lifeline. If it wasn't for her I would probably be dead." I said softly and I heard Bucky gasp next to me. "I had tried to slit my wrists a few months before and then tried to overdose on pills. I was depressed, I wasn't allowed to work or leave the house. All I did was cook and clean. I got badly beaten because of those stunts." I watched Bucky, his left hand was making a fist but I saw pain in his eyes. Understanding flashed across my face, he had tried to end it all too.

"The first time, he rushed me to the hospital and when we got home after being stitched up he beat me for the first time. He broke 3 ribs, my cheek and my arm in two places. He drove me to a different hospital and said that I was suicidal and tried to throw myself down the stairs. People believed him and after a while I believed it too. I had convinced myself that it was my fault." I snorted, disgusted with myself. "A few weeks later, I was still healing but I had heard him on the phone, telling another woman how special she was and how much he loved her and I lost it. I loved him so much and forgave everything he did and that's how he repaid me? I took anything I could find in the cabinet and drank it. He found me and was furious. He drove me to the hospital and they pumped my stomach and had me on suicide watch for the night." I took a dip of my beer, not looking up at Bucky but down at my fingers.

"Once again, I got home and he beat me, he made sure that he never hurt me enough that I was incapacitated. I still had to cook and clean for him. I blamed myself again for his behavior. I brought this on myself. I wasn't good enough for him. God, I was an idiot!" I let out a harsh chuckle and finally looked at Bucky. I could see Sam listening to me from across the room. "I wanted to make him happy so I threw myself into losing weight, even though I wasn't even plump, I had curves, I did my hair, made sure he had all his favorites and that the house was always spotless and then I found out I was pregnant with Lilliana, I was so happy that day. I was going to give him the best surprise, he would be happy and he would love me and I would forgive him for everything but that was a child's dream." I said quietly, "He was angry that I got pregnant but he loved lording it over his brother whose wife was struggling to conceive and again I believed that it would all work out and while I was pregnant it sort of did. He beat me less, stuck to verbal insults rather unless I did something really wrong and still I loved him." I snorted again, disgusted with myself for loving him for so long, for excusing his behavior. I shrugged and downed my beer before throwing the empty bottle in the trash. "Thanks for listening. I'm going to bed. Night boys." I said to them and headed upstairs.