behind closed doors

four

Emily thought she was ready. She told herself she was alright, that this was what she needed in order to feel better. Aaron wasn't rough with her, but her body made her feel like she was in an unsafe situation. She kissed him back with the same passion he gave her, running her fingers through his hair, silently counting backwards from 10 to 1 in her head repeatedly. But then his hands went under her blouse, and her automatic response was to grab ahold of his wrist-stopping it from going further up her body. 

Aaron looks at her, worry in his eyes. She looked afraid, but not because of him. "Sorry" Emily whispers, letting go of his wrist "Don't get handsy with me now." She offers him a look of lust, hoping he would move on and keep going. So he pulls his hand out of her blouse, respects her request and sets both of his hands on the wall instead. She initiates the next move, lowering his shorts so she could feel his hardened self.

Then a door from a room nearby Aarons' is heard being slammed shut, causing Emily to flinch in fear. Aaron looks at her with concern, "Emily" he says, both his hands on each end of her shoulders. It takes her a few seconds to respond "I'm alright. I was just startled is all. Where were we?" She shakes his hand off her shoulder and presses her lips against him. Aaron backs up, his hand on her chest now "No" he tells her as a frustrated sigh leaves her mouth "You're not alright." He continues, reading her facial expressions and body language. She looks up at him "oh so now you're concerned?" a hint of annoyance in her tone "I just want to get fucked Aaron, can you just give that to me?"

He continues to read her, and she knows this but it makes her feel small and trapped. "Are you done trying to profile me? Or can I leave? Obviously, I'm not gonna get anything good from you tonight, so might as well make my way to Morgan's room." She tells him, trying to escape his heavy hand placed on her chest. Aaron huffs, finally removing his hand off of her "what the hell is wrong with you?" He asks her. Emily gives him a face "what the hell is wrong with me? What the hell is wrong with you?" She's furious, and he knows it "if you're not gonna give me what I want. Then I'm leaving" she reaches for the door handle.

"You're afraid of something," Arron says out loud that stops her from walking out. "You expressed fear on your face the entire flight, and now you're flinching at every noise you hear." He lets his thoughts be known. Emily turns around to face him "are you finished?" She steps closer to him "because I'm done with all your bullshit. With your fake concerning thoughts, and your confusing signals- I mean what the hell are we even doing right now?" She throws her hand up in the air as an expression of confusion. Aaron watches her, trying his best not to show any emotion on his face "I am your boss. I have the right to know whether you are capable of handling what the field has to offer you. That includes loud noises, are you able to keep your head straight when an unsub is shooting at you? What about your partner? If Morgan gets shot, are you gonna freeze and let the shooter get away?" He grills her.

Emily's face grows angrier, "Fuck you" she takes another step closer to him "Don't you dare challenge me and doubt my skills as an agent. Your personal opinion of me has nothing to do with my competence in the field. You are the one that needs the profiling, you are the one that needs help, you are the one abusing your power to get what you want." She points at him "you say you're my boss, huh? Oh, you make a fantastic boss, Supervisory Special Agent Hotchner! The boss that enters a relationship with his subordinate for two years, and then fakes her death just to send her off to Paris where she doesn't hear a single word from him for 7 months until he summons her back to life in DC- oh but wait!" Her face grows red, "When they finally see each other again. He pretends like he never knew her." Her voice breaks at the last part and she finally takes a breath, "you don't get to ignore me like that...pretend like what we shared for the past 2 years never existed- and then have the audacity to act like you care about me because you don't. In fact, you don't care about anybody but yourself."

His face is neutral, even if his heart was shattered in pieces. He kept his calm. "Don't do that, please." Aaron says, defeated "You may not have died, but I mourned for you." He tells her "At one point I would've rather you died on the table because at least I could hope that you were in a better place." She looks at him intently, the anger slowly fading off her face "but you weren't. You were alive, and I couldn't have you in my life. That killed me." His voice is raspy, and she shakes her head "but you could've called." Emily's voice is softer than it was before "I couldn't do that, Emily." He tells her, an apologizing look on his face "I was too involved. My judgment was clouded. I needed to distance myself from you to ensure your safety."

"We get in the way of each other" he finally tells her "We're not good together. If anything we only bring each other down." It was like 10 sharp swords had gone straight into her heart "Don't say that" she closes her eyes and thinks back to all their happy moments. Aaron gets ahold of her hands, he cups them inside of his "listen to me" this makes her open her eyes to look into his "what we had was special. You made me and Jack incredibly happy. But you're right. I'm your boss and you are my subordinate. It should've always stayed that way." Her eyes become glossy, lips start to quiver, and her hands began to shake "are you saying that we never should have happened?" she asks him, but he ignores her question "tomorrow will be a new day. And we, as a team, will find whoever is committing these crimes. Then, we're all gonna fly back to DC and move on to the next case" Aaron tells her like it was a set of instructions. She hated when he did that. It made her feel resentful towards him, he was able to detach himself from his feelings and put on a brave face. She was good at compartmentalizing too but not when it came to Aaron. He was her weakness.

Emily feels weak, like her knees were about to give in any second, and there was nobody to save her. Her breathing got slower, she was close to passing out. "Understood." She lets out a breathy response. The pain was unbearable, and she hated how vulnerable Aaron made her feel. She knew he wasn't doing it on purpose, she knew he was right, he is her boss, and she is his subordinate. But more than anything, she wanted them to stay together. "No, no, no" Emily shakes her head, wrapping her arms around his chest "don't do this, please." Tears begin to leave her eyes but he stands still, it takes all of his strength not to reciprocate. He closes his eyes, he doesn't want to do this, but he has to "I don't want to" Aaron tells her, voice low and broken "but we knew we were starting something we couldn't finish" he continues which only makes Emily grip him tighter.

She doesn't respond, only burrows her head into his chest, breathing him in, feeling his racing heartbeat, trying to memorize every single part of him. The sight of her breaks him, so he finally wraps an arm around her, using his right hand to lift her chin "listen to me" he whispers to her "I love you. Nothing will ever change that. But we both need to do this. We are only hurting each other the longer we keep this up." He tells her, desperation in his voice, he needed her to understand that he wasn't doing this to hurt her. Emily shakes her head "but no one has to know, Aaron. It could just be you and me, and Jack" the small hopefulness in her tone almost makes him want to agree and run away together. He hated how hurt she was, and he hated himself for it, knowing that she deserved better than this- but he couldn't offer her any better. "I care about you. I want to hear about your day, I want to know how you're doing. But I want to hear about it, as your boss." He needed to set things straight, he needed to end this.

So they stand there for a while, just holding each other. Aaron's white shirt is stained with her tears, and she held pieces of his broken heart in her hand. Her eyes grew tired, she was exhausted and wanted to go to bed "one more night" she uses her last remaining energy to croak out "let me have one last night with you." That was her only request, and he obliged. He led her to his bed, never letting go of her hand, and he kissed her goodnight before wrapping an arm around her- as if he was protecting her from the dangers of this world. And they faded into a slumber, wishing things were different.