Starless Nights On Tall Buildings

questioning again

Quick steps. Pain. So much pain. Blood. So much blood. Is it mine? Some is. The dry grass makes my running feet bleed. My vision is blurry. Everything looks a bit too white. A bit too clean. A bit too crooked. But it's a dream. It's not real. I will not fall victim to this again.

-one more minute. Just one more minute is left you have to keep running!

-i dont want to-

-if you are not saying yes sir I don't want to hear it. Run like your damn life depends on it, because it does. You'll thank me one day soldier.

-yes sir!

And so I keep running. I'm running my life away. That's what I know to do best-run away from everyone and everything-because that's what keeps you alive. Since I can remember myself, my life has one goal-survival-at any cost.

As I briefly glance at my bloodied hands, between raged breaths, I wonder whose this blood is. I don't even know. I don't even know.

-I DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYMORE.

-SOLDIER RUN! AND THAT IS AN ORDER.

-sir..

-WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?

-sir..

-SOLDIER ON YOUR FEET NOW.

I fell to my knees trying to catch my breath. He is not real. I can't even see him anywhere.. His voice is coming from the distant dark trees along the horizon again. Even if he doesn't exist ill ask. I just have to ask.

-sir..why?

-That is a stupid question and if you keep disobeying my orders I will report you to the director.

As expected his answer was unsatisfying. He didn't understand the question...i clearly meant why should I keep running and trying to survive if my life isn't worth it. I am not worth it.

Now I'm sitting in the familiar dry field. It's early in the morning and the sun hasn't quite risen from behind the horizon. My hands lay on my lap, unmoving and frozen from the sharp and cold air. My eyes drift to the ground beside me. I notice some feet through my white hazy vision. It's a man lying on the ground on his back. Slowly my hands reach the ground and I pull myself toward him. I know what I'm about to witness. It's the same as always,yet I can not look away. I just have to make the same mistake again. It's just the same thing as always. The same actions and train of thought as always. I reach for him. I think of how dumb I am to do this yet again.

There goes nothing I guess.. I touch his arm and try to focus on his chest. A big stab wound presents itself just above his heart. Pieces of hanging flesh show that whoever stabbed him twisted the knife many times. So then I avert my eyes from the "subject". Yes he has just become a random excess body-a simple subject that should mean nothing to me. Just another flame of life that is now gone.

At last I will proceed do something that is illegal. I will do something that violates every boundary I put to myself just for the sake of my survival-of my sanity. My eyes will put it their mission to focus on his face and look at his eyes-to memorize them. They will try it again and again but it's difficult. From that point on everything will become increasingly whiter. At a moment of clarity - a brief second of luck(?) my eyes will become focused on his eyes. That is when it hits me. Indulged in his left eye there is a dagger. The right lifeless green eye looks at me. It looks in my soul. It's not real but it sucks me. It sucks my whole pathetic excuse of a being. Hence now I am (finally) quite literally an empty shell of a human. An empty meat-bag. That's okay though. That is a final relief.

My once unmoving hands will proceed to wrap around that crusty dagger and now it is simply-swiftly indulged in myself.. I will fall to the ground. I will whine. I will struggle. And as my last breath leaves my body I will think of how dissatisfied I feel since this is all fake.

~~~
Hehe brih