Leftovers

I ran as far into the woods as I could. I didn't know where I was going or how I had gotten to this point, but I had to get away from everything, from my anxieties, from my failures, from my nightmares. Is it possible to outrun the voices that replay in your head every second of every day that tell you you are not good enough and you never will be good enough? I had to find out before it all finally succeeded in destroying me.

Snap

                        GASP

Fwump

                                                               "FUCK!"

I lay where I landed, face down in a pile of leaves, sobbing into them and punching the ground in anger. I can't even escape my own thoughts properly. I cried harder and harder, occasionally sucking in the wet earth and choking, until finally, I heard a rustle. Normally, my anxiety would have had me up and running again, but not this time. No, this time, I was done for, and I didn't even care. What good was fighting when I wasn't even worth fighting for?

"Hey woah are you okay?" a worried voice called out to me. I didn't want to answer, I couldn't find my voice or the will to stop crying. Please just let me die, I thought as loudly as I could. "Hey, here let me help you up, okay? Please stop crying, I promise whatever is happening, it'll be okay. Here, take a seat."

I felt the owner of the voice guide take my hand and guide me over to a tree. I slumped down against the trunk, still not looking up. "I'm sorry," I mumbled through my tears.

"Sorry?! Sorry for what?" the voice sounded worried and closer, like the owner was sitting next to me. A hand coming to rest on my shoulder confirmed that.

"Crying. I don't like to cry in front of people. I didn't expect to come across anyone... I don't even know where I am..." and just like that, my tears started to flow again. "This is so fucking embarrassing, I'm sorry" I got up to leave, only to feel a gentle hand touch mine. I turned to look and – "ISH?!"

"Please, just sit with me. You're safe. There's no one else here." Ish hesitated, "Well, not at the moment. Just us."

I don't know if it was the emotional exhaustion, the weight of my thoughts, or the comfort of having a friend who I knew wouldn't judge, but I didn't argue. I slumped back down, letting my head fall on his shoulder and the tears cascade from my eyes. I don't know how long we sat there, but finally the last tear had fallen and my back and chest began to loosen up. I sat up, wrapped my arms around me knees, and cleared my throat. "So... This is it. The place everyone talks about... the world you created."

Ish let out a small chuckle. "Yep. Welcome to the land of Ishness." With that, he relaxed one leg out in front of him and rested his hands behind his head. "Nothing to do here in the forest, but to be at peace with yourself and your thoughts." He opened one eye and looked at me. "Speaking of which – are you feeling better now? Do you want to talk?"

I shifted uncomfortably. I've never been good at opening up, but I felt like if I didn't, I would explode. "Okay... Yeah I think I can handle talking. But I don't want the things I say to leave this moment. And you have to promise me you're not going to judge me." I stared down at my feet, feeling my stomach twist with anxiety. I wasn't sure if I was going to vomit up my words or my lunch.

"No judgement here. I promise."

I met Ish's gaze. He seemed genuine. I took a deep breath, brushed my hair out of my face, and looked back down at the ground. "I feel like I'm starting to lose it. I'm in school, I have two kids, I have an awesome husband, a little cat, a safe place to live... but my PTSD keeps messing with me and I feel like I can't function. I smoke to keep the nightmares away and it works, usually. But my stress over the past few months has gotten so much worse, it's stopped helping. My son ended up in the hospital in September. We had no idea he was a type 1 diabetic, and we found out by him going into a diabetic coma. I didn't know if he was going to make it. He's been angrier since coming home and I spend all day worrying about if he'll be okay and what the future looks like for him. My daughter picks up on the stress in the house and is constantly crying over everything. She also tries to talk to me about her dad, who's the reason I have PTSD. How am I supposed to tell my daughter that I can't talk about her dad without telling her that he raped me while I was pregnant and after, cheated on me, tried to convince me to kill myself, and then when he finally got his way and I tried, laughed and mocked me and made me into a fucking joke?" I paused, choking back tears as my chest began to tighten up again. "I get so many nightmares about the horrible things he and his family did to me. I'm in therapy, I'm trying. I even thought I was getting better again, but things keep triggering me lately. I feel like I can't feel. All I do is yell. The only time I feel normal is when I'm stoned. And even then I'm not fully there. My husband and I have been fighting more and more. My dad made it worse by telling me he was surprised we've lasted this long. Like cool. Everyone is expecting me to fail. Good to know. And truthfully, I know my husband's doing his best to make me feel loved. I just feel like all my progress, everything I've tried to make of myself, is a lie. I keep trying to find who I am again, and it just feels useless."

I took a deep breath and broke down again, "I don't want to go on medication. When I tried it before, I felt awful. I'm scared of it. None of them felt like they helped. I don't want to be alive most days anymore. I see my kids being so loving and sweet, and I know they deserve a better mother than me. I see my husband struggling to keep it together as I repeatedly fall apart, and I truly feel deep down inside like him meeting me ruined his life. And my parents deserved a much better kid than me. I'm a letdown to everyone." And with that final line, I started hyperventilating and letting my anxiety attack take over. I felt like I was going to die, and in that moment, I didn't care if I did or not. I felt my vision fade out and go black.

Netanya, wake up...

Come on, wake up.

WAKE UP.

My eyes snapped open. It was no longer just Ish there with me. DZ stood above me too, watching me intensely, looking for any sign that I was going to faint again. Slowly I sat up. I could see Zyggy, standing further back, holding a small cat and watching me with concern painted across his face. "...I'm sorry... I think I got a little overwhelmed. I'm so sorry," I started to cry again. I felt arms wrap tightly around me. I let myself relax into those arms.

"Come on," Ish whispered, "let us help you. You're going through so much, it's okay to lean on others sometimes too." I nodded and relaxed again. Zyggy sat down to join us while DZ stood over, watching us all carefully.

"Hey! Wanna see this cat I found?" Zyggy offered me the fluffy purring ball in his lap. I smiled and stroked the cat's long fur and felt a wave of comfort wash over me. The cat was a long haired gray tabby, and looked remarkably like the cat I had as a child. "She's very sweet, isn't she?" Zyggy smiled at me hopefully.

I nodded, wiping my last few tears away. I continued petting the cat and eventually all felt calm again. "I guess, at the end of the day, I know my kids need me. I know my husband needs me. And I know my parents need me. I just... I wish they had a better version of me. One that wasn't so damaged and broken. One that wasn't constantly considering checking themselves into the hospital or dying. You know?"

DZ crouched down and looked me in the eyes. "Hey, enough of that. You are the most perfect version of you. Every day, you make the choice to keep on breathing. You wake up, you take care of your children. Your past has no hold over you anymore. Those negative voices in your head, they aren't yours. Those are leftovers from someone who truly doesn't deserve to take another breath."

A few more tears left my eyes, but they were controlled now. Just leftovers. "The rational part of me knows. I know I didn't deserve the things he did or said to me. I know he can't hurt me anymore. Growth just feels very backwards and painful at the moment I guess."

"They're called growing pains for a reason," Ish said, "but you don't have to go through them alone. You have so much love and support. You just have to start letting yourself believe that you're worthy of it."

"And we'll be here with the rest of the communicult to remind you that you are indeed, worthy of it," Zyggy said through a big smile.

The group walked me back to where my husband and kids were waiting for me. I took a deep breath, thanked them all, and shared one last hug with each of them. I felt stronger and ready to continue growing into the person I was meant to be. I walked forward, scooped my kids up in a big hug, and felt my husband wrap me in a giant hug and kiss me on the cheek. We waved goodbye to Ish, Zyggy, and DZ, and went back home to rest.