𝐎𝐔𝐓 𝐎𝐅 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄ᵃʳⁱᵃⁿᵃ ᵍʳᵃⁿᵈᵉ

eight

i took a deep breath as i knocked on the door of ariana and i's home. taking a step back, the heels of my hands pressed into my eyes as i rocked back and forth on my feet.

there were footsteps from behind the door, and it suddenly swung open, showing an upset and pregnant ariana. my shoulders dropped as i saw the tears running down her cheeks and her body shaking.

ariana sniffed, taking a small step back to let me in. my lips formed a tight smile as i stepped in, breathing in the lavender scented candle that she loved. the door closed behind me and i turned around, ariana's body colliding with mine.

there was a small space between us because of her protruding stomach as she cried in my arms. my body soon relaxed and i wrapped my arms around her, kissing the top of her head.

it was silent between us, the only noise being ariana's cries and sounds of cars from outside. silence between us used to be comfortable—but now, all i wanted to do was run away.

but ariana needed me right now. and as much as she hurt me before, it hurt me even more to see her upset.

   i sighed, rubbing my nose into her hair. "what's wrong ari?" i whispered into her ear, rubbing her back gently. ariana let in a shaky breath as she pulled back and looked up at me.

   "c-can we sit down?" her voice cracked, a hiccup leaving her mouth. i nodded, placing my hand on the small of her back to walk her into the living room.

letting out deep breaths, ariana held her stomach as we sat down next to each other on the couch. my hand left her back as i leaned my own back on the couch, running my hand through my hair.

ariana sighed to herself, moving her body to throw her leg over mine and rest her head on my shoulder. my body tensed in surprise at her touch. i cleared my throat, shifting uncomfortably.

"y-you gonna tell me what's up?" i breathed out, trying my best to calm myself down. ariana frowned, a stray tear falling down her cheek. "i miss you, y/n. and i miss elijah."

i closed my eyes, resting my hand on my forehead. "ari—"

"no. let me talk, please." she cut me off, her nails scratching my neck gently. "i know i've said this a million times, and i know it'll never be enough, but i'm so sorry for everything i've done. i don't—i don't know what i was doing." she whispered, digging her neck further into my neck.

my lips quivered as i squeezed my own thigh tightly, feeling my anger slowly rise. "you're right. it's not enough." my eyes were still closed, and i nearly jumped when i felt ariana's hand clasp over my closed fist.

"i know, i know. please don't get that way. i didn't want to argue, not today." she sniffed, her nailed thumb rubbing over my blushed knuckles. "neither of us like that side of you."

this was also something i had thought about a lot. something about me that may have influenced ariana's actions.

when we were in high school, and even middle school, i got into fights a lot. you know, defending myself or defending other kids at my school from the assholes that picked on us. i got dragged down a long, dark, path and got tangled up with some people i never want to see again. ariana pulled me out of it.

i used to get these hot flashes of rage where i just wanted to smash anything in my sight. fighting helped me control it—and so did my medication. to help, a guy i used to be friends with took me to these stupid underground fights where i could release my anger for money. i started going there when i was sixteen and my last time there was three years after that. during my time there, i had taken place in nearly two hundred of the fights that occurred there—and i only lost three times.

i had kept it a secret from ariana for so long, but one night i had gotten so fucked up that she didn't believe my excuse. she made me stop going, and she got me help. and no matter how angry i got, i would never take it out on her.

maybe, when she sat in that bar with dalton, she came to the conclusion that i was a monster. someone she didn't want to be around any longer.

   there's a lot i haven't said about myself. and truthfully, it's because i am ashamed.

i swallowed thickly and nodded my head, breathing in deeply to calm myself down quickly.

and then we sat. we sat for hours.

after letting out a shaky sigh, ariana looked up to me. "y/n/n?" i hummed, glancing back at her with tired eyes. her eyes were glassy as she stared back up at me, her tongue wetting her lips quickly. "do you like her? vanessa, i mean."

my lips twitched at the corner at the sound of her name, just like they used to at the mention of ariana's. i nodded my head slowly, feeling slightly afraid of her reaction. "yeah, i do. i like her a lot, actually." my lips formed into a soft smile as i thought back to our kiss from earlier.

ariana let out a deep sigh, sending me a watery smile as her eyes glistened with tears. "okay." she whispered, her voice breaking. she took a deep breath before starting, "i just want you to know that i lo—"

"no," i cut her off quickly, shaking my head. "please don't say you love me." i dug my teeth into my bottom lip so hard i thought it would drawl blood. ariana frowned deeply, but nodded her head silently, laying it back down on my shoulder.

i watched as her hand lowered down to rub her swollen stomach, her sniffs and cries starting back up again. my jaw quivered as i imagined a completely different scenario than what was playing before me; it was just ariana, eli, me, and the baby inside of ariana's stomach. there was no dalton. those three previous years had never happened, and this child was mine. but that was only a fantasy, and this was real life.

my hand shook as it hesitantly left my thigh and rested on ariana's stomach. her breathing hitched for a second before her hand shifted, laying on top of mine. my vision grew blurry and a lump grew in my throat.

"you have no idea how badly i wish she were mine." i croaked, hot tears streaming down my face as i bored holes into ariana's belly. a loud sob left my mouth as i removed my hand, pressing my palm to my mouth as my cries grew louder.

"god, y/n i'm so fucking sorry." ariana hastily apologized, her body turning slightly so our roles were reversed, and she was the one holding me. my body collapsed into hers, my forehead leaning into her shoulder.

"why did you do this to me?" i sobbed, my body shaking. "she was supposed to be mine, ari. why isn't she mine?"

   ariana let out a sob of her own, her nails raking through my hair. "i don't know y/n. i-i don't know and i'm sorry."

——
😁

i'm like gonna kms cuz i've lost so much motivation for everything but i'm pushing through 😔😔

also, comment some things we would like to see happening. i like to please as many people possible <3 😜 (do this with my other books if u read them, too :)

i love you so so so so much <3333!!!