Tawaghit ng Karimlan

Kapitulo Uno

"𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐'𝘮 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘴𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘪𝘦."

"Tangina, gusto ko na mamatay!"

Matapos ko itong maisigaw ay mahigpit akong napahawak sa railings ng tulay.

No matter how hard I tried I was always not enough. Everything I do is failure.

Mariin kong pinikit ang mga mata ko nang rumagasa sa aking isipan ang mga ala-alang pilit kong kinakalimutan.

All I wanted to ask is why?

We all have that one question in mind. The 'Out of all people, why should I suffer like this?' Bakit sa rami ng tao'y sa'kin pa binagsak lahat ng pagdurusang nararamdaman ko.

People would say everything happens for a reason. That God would never give you such obstacles if you won't be able to overcome it.

But until now, I couldn't find that reason. Until now I have not overcome all of it. They were all buried deep inside my heart, and I choose to ignore it to move on.

Dahil akala ko kapag pinilit kong ibaon sa limot ay magiging okay ako. I thought it would somehow make me feel better, but I was wrong.

Everyday, everywhere, I have to wear a mask. I pretended to be someone I'm not. The happy-go-lucky person they thought who always smile and laugh in small little things. Neither do they know, behind that face is the person who's been deeply scarred and broken.

Forget and move on, huh. In my case, the harder I try the more I just can't.

Minulat ko ang mata ko nang humampas sa mukha ko ang malamig na simoy ng hangin. Then I look down the bridge, only to see how deep it is.

Natawa ako sa aking isipan. This is not the first time I was here.

I've been here. I've tried countless times but I never succeeded. Hindi ko maiwasang mapangiti nang mapakla. Pati ba naman pagpapakamatay ay hindi ko pa magawa ng maayos.

How much would I continue to disappoint myself?

Napahawak ako sa aking pisngi nang maramdaman ang pagtulo ng isang butil ng tubig. I thought it was my tears, but it was a raindrop from the gloomy sky.

I look at my hands, particularly my wrist tied with a red bandana. I removed the ribbon to look at the eminent proof of my pain. The evidence that I was trying my best to live in this world.

Doon ay napadako ang tingin ko sa railings ng tulay. Something was written there but I could not read it. Kinusot ko ang mata ko't inaninag ito nang mabuti.

"I don't know why I have to stay alive if I'm going to live forever sad." I read aloud. It was written using a black permanent pen. The person who wrote it must have been feeling like me.

I run my fingers through the written letters, wondering if the person who wrote this is still alive. Did he or she made it?

"Kinasusuklaman kita! Magiging masaya pa ako kung mamatay ka!"

I wanted to, but I kept on living for you. Even if my achievements meant nothing for you, even if I never get any appreciation, even if I only get nothing but beatings and hurtful words, I still live my life for you.

Kasi akala ko, dadating 'yong araw na matatanggap mo ako. I dreamed of you saying that you're proud of me, that you're sorry for treating me that way. But I guess, I was a fool for even wanting something I don't deserve.

"Pakigawa ng field report namin. We need it by Friday next week. Alam mo na mangyayari sayo if hindi mo magawa yan."

I remembered how I can't do anything and accepted their assaults. Punch after punch, kick followed by a huge blow of bats and wooden blocks. I managed to finish my senior years with cuts and bruises on my body. Hindi pa kabilang doon ang mga pasa at sugat na natatamo ko sa bahay mula sa mapanghimok kong ina.