All That and Then Some

ALICE - Relax

I KNOCK ON THE door of Tim's bedroom and find him sitting with his knees up at the top of his bed, face buried in Minecraft.

"Hi," he says without lifting his eyes from the screen.

"Tim. Hello." I can already feel my voice going all serious and preachy in preparation for THE TALK. No, I tell myself. Must not deliver this talk like a Catholic school nun, voice steely and authoritarian, insinuating that the subject matter is something repellent and thereby damaging my son's ability to love and be loved later in life. I clear my throat and try again, more casually this time. Woman of the people voice.

"Hey bud. So..."

I reach into his bookcase for the copy of What's Happening to my Body? that I bought for him off Amazon when he was just out of diapers. I was, obviously, eager to avoid ever needing to have this conversation in the first place and had hoped my son would be curious enough to self-educate. As it has turned out, his love of screens is directly proportional to his distaste for reading, and I strongly suspect based on the uncracked spine, that my son has never once opened this book.

Which means he must be brimming with unanswered questions. What 13 year old hasn't questioned their changing body, lain awake at night in terror that their private parts are in some way deformed or, at least, irregular? What 13 year old doesn't wonder what the word 'orgasm' means, especially when he's overheard his own grandmother use the word (and probably a hundred others that he doesn't know).

I sit beside him, back against the headboard, book open to the first page.

"I wanted to, you know, open a listening space between us."

Oh god, I hear myself channelling my therapist now. Well, better Hippie Harry's voice than Sister Mary Prudacious. I press onward...

"I think it's important that you know that I'm here, with everything I know, to answer any questions you might have about... well, about anything, really. But especially, I guess, about, ssss... bodies and what they can, like, get up to. When people, people's bodies I mean, are older of course. Not right now, per se, for you. Although, certainly, you might have questions about what your own body is... up to. These days?"

It occurs to me that I might have to physically remove the screen from his face in order to assess whether any of this (incredibly good so far, I think!) talk is sinking in. I put my hand on the screen and gently turn it over.

Bravely, I sum up with a straightforward question that leaves no room for anything but a reply of some kind.

"So? What do you want to know? About sex and anything related to it."

My son shrugs and maintains a sort of blank, middle-distance look in his eye.

"Come on! There must be something, Tim. You can ask me anything."

He shrugs again but can see his mouth is twisting, formulating the big question -- the question that will open up what is sure to be a warm, uber-healthy and frank discussion of the birds and the bees.

Wait, don't use old, obfuscating expressions like 'birds and bees', I admonish myself. Nothing could be more guilt-reeky or catholic-schooly than that! Must use only updated, forward-feeling language! I decide to call it "human sexuality" and drop all references to flying creatures going forward. That's if he ever gets around to asking an actual question.

Okay, here he goes!

"I seriously don't have any questions," he says finally, reaching for his Minecraft, which I hold away like a schoolyard bully.