This Is How You Win

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Ever since I was a kid, I dreamed about being a Formula One driver. My dad and his best friend, Adam, made every race weekend a big deal; they would Skype and chat through the whole race because Adam lived all the way in the U.K. Starting from age 3 I was allowed in on their shenanigans and so I would join them on race weekends, and Adam used to poke fun at us because we had to wake up so early to watch races. My dad says that he could tell even then that it's what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. For those 2 hours I sat still, eyes peeled on the television and I've dreamed of having one of those 20 seats ever since.

So my dad gave me a real shot at making it happen. He did everything he could to get me started, got me my own go-kart, and started driving me to practice. It didn't stay as a hobby for long and it quickly became consuming; every day after school my dad would drive me to our local track, and if it was snowing we went indoor karting instead. And when I started entering races, we all finally knew it was something I could take seriously. 

Adam invited us to stay with them over the summer because his son, Lando, was also karting and the two of us could train together. I was 7 by then, and we both had been racing for a few years. Even though we would be competing against one another, off the track we were really close, and we stayed each other's best friends even after on-track 'incidents', and after I flew home for the fall and school. That year we went back and forth between Toronto and the U.K. whenever we could; we spent Christmas at the Norris's, and even though our spring breaks didn't match up, my mom and I still headed out there for the week I had off. That summer, same as the year prior, my dad and I moved in with the Norris's. As the end of August rolled around though, my dad started packing up to leave, and my mom came out for our last week of 'vacation'. 

Unlike last year, we all got to spend my birthday together. It was unseasonably warm for the 22nd of August, but of course it was raining. I never did anything big for my birthday, and this year wasn't an exception, we all spent my birthday at a karting track we had rented out. Even when it started pouring rain, we stuck it out and kept racing. Lando and I were on par for race wins that summer, but I beat him that day, even if he still insists that he let me win as a birthday gift to me.  

We had dinner all together, I helped Adam in the kitchen wherever he'd let me, and when we finally sat down, my parents let me in on the secret I knew they'd been keeping. The Norris's had offered to take me in for the whole year, not just the summer. I would go to school with Lando, and enter in races with him, and come next summer we would re-evaluate my decision, and see if it was something I wanted to keep up. My mom and dad had no choice but to go back to Toronto, but now, at least, I had a choice. Lando was quiet, but he was smiling down at the table, and I wish I could say there was something else, but that's what sealed the deal for me. When I said, "yes", Lando looked up and was smiling at me instead of his plate. 

I was only 9, so it seemed like a no-brainer then. Still to this day, I don't regret it. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do but I don't regret it. The Norris's took me in, and made me one of their own, and for as many days where I was crying because I just wanted my mom, there were days when I was overcome with joy from winning races and doing so with my best friend by my side. When summer rolled around once more and both my parents flew out, I didn't know that my dad had found a professorship in England, and that my mom got a senior vice president position at a local marketing firm.  We were moving to Bristol for good. And for good it was. We visited Toronto sometimes, to see family, to see the few friendships that survived our big move, but Bristol became home. 

Time was flying, school was a second thought, racing occupied every spare minute of our lives. Lando and I were usually on par in terms of race wins and pole positions. We scored pretty closely overall, and there was no reason why his career would advance any faster than mine, but it did. He got signed on in an F4 series in 2015, it was another year before I was offered a similar opportunity, and it only came because a seat opened up when another driver injured himself in pre-season testing. Lando made it into F3 by 2017, while I was still racing in lower level series. He was performing so well, winning races and titles and driving better than anyone else on track. But so was I. Put me head to head with Lando and I could almost always beat him. I wasn't winning titles but I was winning races and securing poles. There were boys who finished below me in championships who were offered promotions that I wasn't even considered for. I was hitting ceilings constantly, and doing the equivalent of dumpster diving for opportunities. The only chances that I got to move up were when other people suddenly vacated their seats. All the while Lando Norris was the next big name in motorsport. 

It wasn't his fault. And I tried not to be angry with him. But he was gone all the time. He was travelling constantly, testing with McLaren, chasing after opportunities I couldn't get close to. In 2018, during the Formula 2 season break, Lando came home for a while. I went to get him from the airport, and he flew into Heathrow so we had two hours to catch up. He told me all about Formula 2, how there was this one girl who was racing in Formula 3, and he gave me her number so the two of us could chat. I never reached out. He asked me all about my racing, and how that was going. I told him all about it, all about the other guys who I was racing against. I listed off all the names of the ones who I had caught saying something shitty about me. Lando knew most of them, but still said, "fuck them" and when I started laughing at him, he quickly added "Not literally, Cam!"

 "It would be a good revenge plot. Or maybe a good way to get in their heads" I admitted. 

"Trust me, you're already in their heads" he was looking directly at me when he said that. I could tell even though my eyes were fixed on the road ahead of me. I wasn't sure what to make of that. I changed the subject and let it slide. 

"So... you said you had some big news?" I glanced over at him, and he was looking straight ahead. 

"Yeah, but I'd rather wait until we're stopped to tell you." I looked at him inquisitively, to which he replied "What?! You're not a good driver when you're distracted!" 

I reached over to swat at him, and swerved the car in the process. He looked at me as if to say, 'see what I mean?' so I rested my case, and pulled over into a rest stop. 

"We can get out and stretch our legs while we're at it, yeah? And maybe you can drive the rest of the way?" He nodded as we both got out of the car, and I headed inside to grab us some snacks. Iced coffee with oat milk for me, and a bottle of water for him. Plus gummy coke bottles as a sort of ode to old traditions of ours. 

"Alright Norris, spill the beans" 

He took a sip of his water before he spoke. "Well... You know how I'm the reserve driver for McLaren and all, and well they haven't announced anything yet but Vandoorne is leaving this year and well... they've offered me his seat"

My coffee hit the ground before the words even left his mouth. Almost as if on instinct, my arms were flying around his neck and I was screaming and it only took him a moment to adjust and hug me back. He lifted me off the ground from how tight he was holding onto me. His face was buried in my shoulder, and his voice vibrated through me when he said "Thank God you're not mad. Not that I thought you would be but, I just know it's been hard and-" 

I pulled myself away enough to look him in the eyes, and I cut him off there. "Enough of that nonsense, yeah? You did an amazing thing and you deserve this. More than anyone else." He smiled and pulled me in for another hug. "But you totally owe me another coffee" I said, and he laughed. 

"You can have as many coffees as you want" 

"I think I can get behind that" I said, returning his smile. 

While he headed in to get my coffee, I waited in the passenger's seat. And when I knew he was out of sight and earshot, I rested my head on the dash and shouted a prolonged "fuck" at no one and nothing in particular. Of course I was happy for him, but he was realizing all of our dreams, without me. The second he stepped back outside, coffee in hand, I recomposed myself and decided this was something I needed to hold onto until later. 

The last hour of our drive home felt like it was never going to end. We talked about his promotion for a while, and it wasn't hard for me to convince him that I was happy, because the truth was that I was happy for him, regardless of the burning sensation in my chest. 

When we pulled into the driveway, he parked the car before turning to me. 

"No one else knows yet, Cam. Just you. Can you keep this between us until I've had a chance to tell them?" 

"Of course, Norris. I would never spoil your big secret. My lips are sealed."

"Thanks Cam." He moved to get out of the car, but stopped with his hand on the door, and turned me once again. "I couldn't have done this without you. I hope you know that. And I hope they all see that someday too." 

He was trying to say something nice. But it hurt to hear anyway. Because my first thought was, if you couldn't have done this without me, why did you?  But what I actually said was: "Of course, Lando."