This Is How You Win

0.1

We both headed inside. I went up to the guest room (which was more like my room) to grab a nap before dinner, but I couldn't get a lick of sleep. My hands kept balling up into fists, my arms were tense. I always carried my anger in my arms. That's what my dad used to tell me. Some people could get rid of their anger by running. I never was one of those people. I stared at the ceiling for 10 minutes before giving up, getting changed, and heading down to the basement gym. I needed to hit something.

When I got down there, it became obvious I was not the only one with that same idea. Lando's older brother, Ollie, was down there running on the treadmill. He was practically an older brother to me too, from all the years I spent living with them. 

"Hey Cam!" he said, stopping his run. 

"Hey Ollie, don't  stop on my account. I'm just gonna hit the punching bag for a bit" 

"Oh gosh no I'm done with cardio for today. I'm just down here because I'm hiding from my dad" 

"Ah yes, he's on you again about that job then?" Ollie just nodded in response. "Well hey, I could use a partner if you're looking to hide out a little longer" 

"Sure, why not. Just avoid the face, please?" 

I laughed, "Ollie, I'm only aiming for the bag gloves" 

"Here I was hoping we'd be sparring for real" Then he stopped to think of what he said, "Actually, wait, you would kick my ass. I take that back." 

"I think you'd be able to hold your own against me. But maybe let's wait to find out?" 

He nodded, while placing the training gloves on his hands. I put my gloves on too, and we moved to an area where we knew no one would hit their limbs on anything. We didn't talk through most of it. Lando was right about me being better at things when I was concentrated. I zeroed in on Ollie's hand, making them the only thing in focus and just had at it. The more focused I was on the training gloves ahead of me, the more my mind was drifting to my earlier conversation with Lando, and I must have started hitting pretty hard because Ollie snapped me out of my focus to ask if everything was okay. 

It wasn't, but I also wasn't sure if he was the one to talk to about it. I contemplated my options, but I promised Lando I wouldn't say anything about his promotion. So I settled on, "Another guy just got promoted over me. Liam Lawson, he's made it to F3, will probably debut in F2 next year." Ollie's eyes turned sad, but I continued "And you know maybe he's one of the first guys that's actually deserved it more than me. But I've lost count of how many times this has happened, and it just makes you wonder you know. Well it makes me wonder, if I'm doing all this for nothing". 

I technically hadn't lied to Ollie. It was one part of my story that I conveniently left out when talking to Lando because I didn't want to make it sound like I was mad about his promotion. Liam Lawson really was someone who I had been racing against for the last few years, and he really was promoted to F3 not too long ago. But his promotion was also something I had gotten used to feeling. Staying in the lower ranks until every driver that I raced with had moved on wasn't new to me, and Lawson moving up hurt far less than every time Lando did. 

"I'm sorry, Cammy." Cammy was a nickname only the Norris's ever called me. I hadn't heard it in ages. It softened the very hard edges of my anger, but the anger stayed steady regardless. 

"It's alright, Ollie. Seriously, it's all good. I'm just going to do what I always do." I said, walking towards the hanging punching bag, "Put my head down, and work harder than any of those guys do." 

Ollie smiled and nodded appreciatively. "Well if you ever need a boxing partner, you know where to find me... But maybe blow off a little more of that steam so you don't blow my arm off first?" 

"I'm working on it. Hopefully by dinner I'll only be mad enough to take out a few fingers", I said it smiling, but I wasn't entirely convinced it was possible. The anger was eating at me, and it was quickly turning into the kind of rage that I wouldn't be able to control. 

I started at the boxing bag and had at it without Ollie to break me out of my focus. Beads of sweat were flying off my forehead, my arms were burning, begging me to stop, and I saw that as my sign to punch harder. I couldn't tell if this was helping, but I knew it wasn't making things worse. 

I was so distracted that I didn't hear Lando come down the stairs. He stood, watching me with his arms crossed before clapping to grab my attention. I snapped out of my focus, and it was like the pain I had been using as a motivator, came rushing through my system all at once. I ran to the garbage and threw up.

Lando came up next to me and held my hair back even though it was already tied up, and rubbed my back while the contents of my stomach emptied out into the garbage bin. When I was sure I was done, I flopped onto the ground, and Lando flopped down next to me. I was still out of breath but slightly less now. 

"So, do you want to tell me what that was all about? You haven't gone that hard since, well... I think since Mazepin got that seat over you." If I hadn't already thrown up, hearing that name would have made me. "It's amazing to watch, but I hate seeing you push yourself past your limit like that." 

"It's nothing, it's just Lawson." Lando seemed confused.

"Liam Lawson? The Red Bull driver?" 

"Yeah, him. He just got a seat in F3. And I thought it wouldn't bother me this time because it didn't last time, but Lawson is on track to finish below me in the standings and..."

"And it's bullshit."

"And it's bullshit." I echoed. "I know this won't fix anything but my hands were clenching up, I was grinding my teeth and I just needed to get rid of it for a minute you know? The anger all sits up here" I gestured to the upper half of my body, "and I just needed to get it out there" I waved at the space ahead of me, knowing Lando would understand what I meant. He got up then, and pulled me up too. I may have been boxing, but my legs felt like Jell-O from all the energy I had expelled. 

"Those guys, all of them, aren't half as good as you, okay?" His hands were around my wrists, and he was shaking them as he spoke. I'm not sure he knew how much it hurt to move my arms though. "And we all agree that it's bullshit, but you don't need to prove anything to them, you just need to do your thing, and it'll come." I wanted to tell him how wrong he was, but it was a floodgate I wasn't quite ready to open, so I bottled it up instead.