Please Fucking Kill Me (homestuck crack fic)

Please fucking kill me

"Jesus fuck, this is so cringe," Dork, you, say to no one in particular. Wait, sorry, I mean Dirt. Dark? Dimp? Dimp Schroder? Dark Spider?

Dark is sitting in a poor reproduction of his shitty fucking room. The narrator immediately regrets their commitment to writing this and prays to God no one will ever read it.

What will you do?

>Beat off to pictures of Ben Shapiro's face

No. That's stupid. Try again, you motherfucker.

"Shut up."

Dark Spider, you do realize no one else can hear me, right? So you trying to sass me out loud is as useful as when those homeless schizophrenics mumble weird shit under their breath in the street. Everyone will avoid you, dumbass. Stop, unless you want me to describe in detail your beat-off session and every single fucking pore in Ben fucking Shapiro's face.

'You don't need to curse so much,' you think. 'It's unbecoming of a young woman like you.'

Yes I fucking do, you toxic orange piece of shit. And vaguely misogynistic. I'm pretty sure you'd be bi if you weren't so misogynistic.

'That's not how it works.' you think. 'Sexuality is a very complicated but mostly unchangeable thing and-'

I cut you off. No, that's NOT how it works, but this is MY SHITTY WRITING and I can make you bisexual if I want. Projection, baby.

'Who the hell are you?' you think. Man, dialogue tags are tiring me out.

'I'm your brain,' I lie.

In reality, I am some irritating 15 year old sitting in their room with the clearest skin you've ever seen and the biggest rack you've ever heard of. I am also magical. My parents kicked me out when I was 5 months old and I was then raised by wolves. Then, the wolves kicked me out into a crack house. But Big Susan, the leader of the crack house was all, "This ain't a crack house, it's a crack home!" and then kicked me out to be raised in the worst household of all: a Russian family.

'You do realize I can hear your stupid narration.'

Yeah, but I can choose what I want to narrate, you obstinate orange fucker. I'm your brain.

'It doesn't sound like my brain.'

Maybe you're schizophrenic. Or MAYBE you should read up more on that one, like, psychoanalysis iceberg thing with the preconscious and the subconscious and the ego, the Id, and the-

'Super-ego. And the iceberg is just a representation of the 3 concepts of the id, ego, and super-ego. It's not a part of the Freudian theory itself.'

Okay, you whiny fuckass. Maybe I'm actually just a phallic Freudian symbol representing your love of the cock.

'I am not attracted to chickens.'

Maybe it's a platonic love of the cock. Wait, wow, Dirk, you made a joke! Way to go!

'Shut up.'

You should probably learn to have fun more often. Your life is very depressing. Like, how much Monster Energy do you even consume? You can't apply Wikipedia articles to real life, kid.

'Am I being possessed by the spirit of a whinier, more hyper, and even more condescending Rose LaLonde? Wait, no, scratch that, no one's more annoying than Rose LaLonde.'

Haha. Scratch.

'Haha. Scratch.'

Are you copying me?

'Are you copying me?'

Dude. You're even playing mind games with YOURSELF. You have issues, man.

'I know.'

See! You're no longer copying me. Way to go, Dork Spider.

'See! You're no longer copying me. Also, that's... not my name.'

I can call you Dork if I want. This is MY NARRATION.

'You're literally making zero fucking sense.'

I'm your mind, autistic loser.

'Jesus fuck. If you were a person, I'd slice you to death immediately like one of those cheap banana slicers that cable TV keeps advertising for only 3 small payments of $19.99.'

Yes. For-

'Shut.'

Lmao.

'Don't luh-mayo me.'

Bye motherfucker. I'm gonna go fuck off somewhere else while you cry yourself to sleep or drown in existential dread or something.

'Dude, I literally DO NOT do that. Shut up.'

You have issues! Tissues for your issues! Yo-

'I am going to shi and/or oot myself. I am going to do a lobotomy and then proceed to gouge out my eyeballs. Please just shut up.''

Jesus fucking Christ. Overreaction. If you want your brain to shut up, you can try doing CBT on yourself.

'SHUT THE FUCK UP. I am NOT mentally ill. I am 90% sure you're Vriska trying to drive me to suicide or something. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I am using profanity.'

By CBT, I meant cock and ball torture. Not therapy. Your therapist would need to call a therapist. Also, you avoid using contractions to seem smarter? I thought that was just a thing that nerds did in movies.

'SHUT THE FUCK UP.'

Okay, Jesus. I'm going.