Don't Play Cupid if You Can't Handle Being Shot in the Butt

Six

"MISTLETOE?!" Donut screeches, turning back to his guests who are all suddenly looking sheepish, "Alright, what the hell is going on here?" none of them replied. Donut tried to catch their eyes; Church looked back defiantly, Grif looked bored and Wash and Tucker just confused.

"Restaurant vouchers, cinema tickets, spin the bottle, slow dancing, mistletoe? You-you're all using my methods against me!" he came to the realization mid-accusation, "But-but-" he spluttered, "But Tucker and Wash!" he finished, pointing desperately at the two.

"Uh, us?" Tucker asked, Wash looking equally as bewildered.

"Look, we can explain-" Carolina began, but was cut off by Donut.

"Alright, how many of you are in on this... whatever it is?" he said, swinging his arms madly, smacking the side of his hand on the sideboard in the effort. The room of people shared hesitant looks before all raising their hands, except Wash, Tucker and Caboose, who was happily eating cookies on the sofa, watching the proceedings like it was a TV show.

"Church and Carolina I'm assuming you're the ringleaders here, explain!" he demands, barely holding back from shouting.

Whilst the two accused muttered, another voice piped up from the back of the room.

"Actually, that would be us." said Grif around a mouthful of chips, Simmons standing next to him, at least having the good decency to look ashamed.

"YOU?!" Donut exploded, "YOU made plans and then acted on them?" he threw his head back and laughed, "This must be some weird dream."

"Look," began Grif, swallowing the mouthful of food, "We were all sick of you two dancing around each other all the time, you weren't following your own advice so we... helped." he finished pathetically, shoving another handful of chips into his mouth with a shrug. Everyone else nodded in agreement.

"Uh..." Donut grasped for the last plausible alternative to what was happening, "You mean Wash and Tucker, though, right?"

"Oh, them too," Church interjected, "We were kind of hoping we could get all four of you together." Wash was overdramatically offended, natural melodrama emphasized by the amount he had had to drink, one hand clutching his chest, mouth hanging open. Carolina, taking note of Donut's balled fists, put herself between him and Church.

"We sort of used Tucker and Wash to get you to throw a party and put together all of this romantic stuff so that we could get you," she gestured at him and Doc, "Uh, together." she grimaced.

Donut suddenly felt very self-conscious in the staring room, retreating a little and carefully not looking at Doc, loosing all the anger he had had moments before. That anger, it seemed, had travelled seamlessly into Tucker.

"You guys WHAT?!" he shouted.

"Calm down, it's not as bad as it sounds-" Church started dismissively.

"Oh, because you using my crush on Wash to try and set up Donut and Doc sounds pretty fucking bad, Church!"

"Shut the fuck up, you big baby," said Church flippantly without looking at Tucker, "We knew you would get together eventually, might as well use it to help Donut in the meantime."

Tucker looked too angry to speak. Wash, on the other hand, was looking down at Tucker with a mixture of surprise and hope.

"Your... what, on me?" he asked quietly. Tucker immediately deflated, eyes widening as he span around to face Wash.

"I, uh, I meant. Um-" he floundered, "Oh, you know what, fuck it." he grabbed Wash's face, kissing him fiercely, and Wash kissed back in earnest, unable to stop smiling as he did so.