I'm A Walking Disaster (jalex)

I'm hardly together

Short update, but an update.

Chapter Twenty four
Title from Your Bed by All Time Low

Everything was harder once Jack left.
I couldn't think clearly, I didn't feel like talking, and the only thing I could think about was Jack.
I wondered how it feel to hug him, and to kiss him.
I realized we have never touched before, and suddenly I was eager and nervous to be released. What if my hands sweat while I'm holding his hand?
What if I say the wrong thing, or trip, or I suck at kissing, or my lips are chapped?

Oh god, what if I throw up on him?

"Alex?" I heard the familiar voice of Vic. I looked up at him and saw him looking at me with a somewhat worried expression.
"You're awfully quiet today" he said gently.

"I'm awfully alone" I shot back at him. Josh raised his eyebrows and Vic looked slightly surprised.

"Jack left yesterday and he's upset" Jonny said almost instantly as if it was the easiest thing in the world to find out. I shot him a glare for assuming that's what was wrong and saying it with so much confidence.
Josh nodded in agreement.

"Well you aren't alone. You still have us three" Vic said with a small smile, I nodded but didn't feel the need to smile.

Jonny was right.
I missed Jack more than I missed the outside world, and more than I missed listening to Blink 182 (which was a lot), I missed him more than most things.

I bet Jack has already listened to Blink 182 by now, he might even be listening to it now if he's anything like me with how often I listen to music.

I'm still two days away from seeing Jack.

Every minute felt like two days.

Everyone eventually got out of their seats and left the cafeteria, I got three points off. I avoided all contact and headed straight for my room, wanting nothing but to be alone right now.
Josh was following me.

I couldn't explain why I felt so bad.
There wasn't really a reason, it's just been the first time I've been left alone with my thoughts in a long time.

"Alex" Josh spoke gently as I got closer to my room, I didn't respond to him.
"Alex" he said once more, in a more stern tone this time, I continued to ignore him as I walked into my room quickly.
To my surprise Josh followed me in my room.

"Listen, Alex" he said, taking my by surprise by slamming me against the wall and forcing my eyes to look into his. It hurt slightly but I could hardly feel it as I was more concentrated on what the hell was going on. "Yeah, Jack left. The fucking point is that you get out in two days and you can prance off into the fucking sunset with your boyfriend" he spat at me.
Instantly I was filled with self hate.

I'm so selfish.

"So stop bringing everyone else down with your pathetic bullshit. Vic has been dying for a chance like yours, so has Jonny, and so have I. You are so fucking lucky and because you'll be alone for three days you're going to ruin everything" he said as he pushed me harder into the wall, his arm pressed against my chest. I could feel myself shaking as tears blurred my vision.

"Maybe life isn't for everyone" I mumbled before I could even stop myself. Josh loosened his grip on me.

"What did you just say?" He said, still angry, but slightly calmer.

"I said maybe life isn't for everyone! Maybe I was just put here to be another statistic, maybe I'm supposed to be a raw example of how pathetic humans can get! Some people just aren't meant to deal with life, some people can't. And if you think all of this bullshit is just because I miss Jack, you're wrong. I have been alone with my thoughts and it only takes one day alone to go back to a place you were in before. Life just isn't for me-" I was crying and talking loudly and Josh was still fuming.

"Don't fuck this up, Gaskarth. You're two days away from freedom, you can't let your pathetic thoughts keep you from getting out. I suggest you stop being such a whiny bitch about everything because you're making things ten times worse for everyone else in this hell hole. Cry more if you want, go kill yourself when you get out, do whatever the hell you want. Just don't bring everyone else down while you're doing this bullshit" he spat at me, pressing harder on my chest. Sobs were forcibly pushing their way through my mouth and I realized that he was right.

I am being selfish,
I am bringing so many strong people down with me.

"Get the fuck over yourself! You-" he started but was interrupted as I felt him being pulled off of me, I fell to the floor and watched through blurry eyes as Dr.Mullins and several nurses held Josh down, one nurse injecting a chemical restraint.

"Are you hurt?" Dr.Grace was beside me, I shook my head at her shakily.

I was having troubles breathing, I was still crying, and I still just wanted to be alone.
I felt myself sweating as I looked around the room, my breathing continued to get faster and faster as I couldn't get enough air into my lungs, it hurt.
I started coughing, and before I knew it I was throwing up onto the cold tile floor.

Don't fuck this up, Gaskarth.

Will I get out now?

So I laid in the middle of my room in my own throw up, hardly breathing, my heart felt like it was slowly pushing it's way out of my chest. I was sobbing so hard the throwing up turned into dry heaving and no one was helping me.
I didn't want anyone to help me.

I just wanted to be dead.

---

"Hey, honey. I'm glad you're awake" I heard the gentle voice of nurse Jett.
I lightly opened my eyes and found myself in a hospital room like the one I was in when I came in here in the first place.

"You passed out in a mix of vomit and tears, lucky for you, your favorite nurse cleaned you up" she winked at me and gave me a light smile.
I watched her as she walked closer to me, keeping my face emotionless.

"You're still getting out on time, it's okay. Mr.Ramsay will probably be getting out nowhere near now, lucky if ever" she added, I slightly relaxed as I heard her say I was getting out on time.
"Rate your pain on a scale of one to ten, one being no pain and ten being passing out due to pain" she asked me nicely.

I shrugged and held up a three "headache" I whispered.
She nodded lightly and walked towards a cart in the center of the room, handing me a paper cup of water.

"You're free to go back to your room whenever you want, everything is cleaned up and you're dismissed from all group therapies for the rest of the day. I hope you feel better" she gave my a sympathetic smile and left the room.

After about five minutes I got out of bed and walked out of the hospital room, seeing that I needed to take an elevator back to the Psychiatric unit.
Once I got into the hall I quickly went into my room and threw myself onto my bed.

Today was a very bad day.

But I knew I would be better when I saw Jack.
Everything Josh said was right, I'm being selfish and pathetic and I'm bringing everyone down.

And I still wanted to kill myself, but I knew I wasn't going to because I actually have something to live for: Jack.

I felt numb, I felt like throwing myself off a bridge, I felt like cutting every vein out of my body and dissecting my arms.

But part of me also felt like living.