Thank You

Guilt

If I thought I would have cried by now, I was wrong. My eyes are just as dry as the day I saw that car fly over my head and kill half of my family. Ever since that very day, all I have felt was either nothing, endless emptiness, tremendous guilt, or just a collection of feelings that pushed me towards death more than they did towards life. The depression didn't kick until after a fair amount of time; the realization of what happened needed to truly sink in before I could feel anything at all. To this day, I still don't know which phase of these two I hated the least. What is worse between feeling terrible or not feeling at all ?

If Cate spoke after my storytelling was over, I couldn't hear her, my mind more clouded than ever before. I am drowning by the overwhelming thoughts in my brain. The relief opening up could have been wasn't long, and I'm afraid I could barely even feel it. All it seems to have done is make me relive each and every emotion that went through my body that fateful night, and it is something I never wanted to feel again. Is anything good going to come out of tonight's conversations ? Everything feels like a blur once again, and I just want to disappear so that I can stop feeling. Not feeling anything was better. I was a fool to think it would be a great idea to share the entire story to someone, let alone a woman I barely know. Regrets. My head and heart are full of them. They are what I was built from.

The hands on the sides of my arms are like waking up from a trance, and my entire body suddenly shivers. I didn't hear her, neither did I see her walk towards me, but her touch is something I could never be indifferent to. She is by my side, right next to me, her hands on my body, and that is everything. I am no longer lying to her. I am no longer hiding anything from her. This makes the pain worth something. She makes everything alright. She makes everything better.

"I can see all the thoughts darkening your eyes, darling."

I look up to stare into her deep ocean eyes.

"I am not going to give you the pity look that way too many people have already given you, and that you absolutely hate, I would guess. You will not see that kind of look in my eyes, darling."

She isn't lying. All I can see is the contradictory warmth that I started to long for from the first time I laid eyes on her. That one night. Somehow, I think I already knew that a strong bond connected us from the start, but I didn't see myself telling her about everything so quickly. Everything is so different when it comes to her, in every single way possible. But can I allow myself to love her ? What is this I am feeling ? What does she feel ? It's a question I can't help but wonder at all times, no matter what she says to me.

"I have never met anybody with the strength that you have, my darling. You amaze me. So much in such a young person. So many memories, so many emotions, so much weight. I have never met anybody quite like you."

"A monster."

"A child burdened with the trauma and guilt of someone way too old for someone so young. I do know many people who grew up too fast, way too fast, but you, my darling... it goes even beyond that. And the sort of strength necessary to survive this is beyond incredible."

Her hand softly brushes my chin, waiting to see if it's fine by me for her to touch me again. After just a moment, she lifts up my head with her slender fingers, making me look into the blue eyes that I avoided just a second ago. Looking into these in itself is a whole declaration.

"You feel guilt inside of you. You do. But, oh darling, it was never your fault. I am sure you have heard this millions of times, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. I know it is more complicated than that, of course. I know hearing it does not make that much of a difference, but as I was telling earlier, I am sure that even if you had not influenced your brother's drive home, he would have wanted, and would have come back either way."

"You don't know that."

"No, you're right, I don't."

My eyebrows twitch as I try my best not to frown in surprise.

"I have never experienced anything close to what you went through that night, so I can't know. I can't, but I heard you talk about everything you remember about him; all the memories, the feelings, the small stories you found in your mind tonight. I am sure there is much more that is merely still locked up inside that head of yours, but I have begun to comprehend the extent of your relationship with your brother. He was a part of you, wasn't he ? You would say the better half of you, and I cannot agree with this, but this is how it feels, isn't it ?"

I painfully close my eyelids.

"This is something I know. And for that reason, I am allowing myself to tell you that he would have come back home by midnight either way."

When I open my eyes back again, I am met with hers. My bottom lip is shaking just as if I was on the verge on bursting into tears, but I know my eyes are still dry. Or are they ?

"For the past five years, I have blames myself every single day for what happened. I can't shake the feeling that without me, they would still be alive. Everyday, I just wish it was me in that car. I don't really care to live. I just want them here."

She brushes my cheek with her finger, a small understanding smile on her lips. Is it to wipe a tear ? I could not tell. My face feels numb, and all I can feel is her touch. I feel like I'm a visitor inside of my own body, and my conscious is just floating away as time passes. I can feel pain, but the physical one is so out of reach sometimes, I wonder where my senses are. But one thing never goes away: it's her touch. Her touch always brings me back to reality, to the physical world. I needed her to bring me back to life.

"I don't want to give you the same speech I am sure has already been give to you, but maybe you will believe me when I say they are here. Right here."

When the tip of her finger hits my chest, she opens me up, melting all the way through my heart. It is beating again. For them. And for her.

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if i am being totally honest with you, i know how this story is going to end but i don't know how to get to it yet. as you've probably noticed, most of the story is based in the conversations and actions happening in that room, during that specific night, i mean we haven't changed the scenery for quite a few chapters now. i hope that doesn't make it long or boring to read, we're going to get to cate's story very soon, i just have a few details to create.
i hope the few of you still reading are enjoying this, i actually like the atmosphere i created, i just don't know if you do too