all things left unsaid || bucky barnes

x | i called him bucky

2014

karina's pov

The car was silent, trees passing by on the other side of the window. The blonde man, the grinning target, Steve Rogers – a super soldier, I learned, like James – sat between Natasha and Sam, pressing a hand to Natasha's bullet wound.

It was odd, to sit in front of them, refer to them as their real names after I had just gone hours thinking of them by descriptive characteristics. The 'driver,' the 'red-head,' the 'one with a shield.' Now, they were real, they seemed...human. More human than I felt, seated up here with blood on my hands.

Actual blood on my hands. Natasha's.

"Explain it to us again?" Steve finally asked with a sigh, breaking the silence.

Agent Hill looked at me, eyebrows raised slightly. She had explained it the first two times, but she was right – it was time they heard from me. I twisted my fingers together, turning slightly in my seat to look at the three people, with their open eyes and close bond.

"My name is... Karina." I tested the word on my tongue, and it felt unfamiliar. "At HYDRA, I was Blade. The Winter Soldier - James - and I... He is my earliest memory."

Steve blinked, and I watched his reaction. It was evident that he knew the soldier, although I wasn't sure how or how well.

"I have worked for HYDRA for decades. I did what they told me to. So did the soldier." I heard the lilt to my voice, wishing the accent that I carried didn't create such a barrier between me and the people listening. "Somewhere along the way, they messed something up with my brain – rather, they didn't do what they thought they had. I could always... almost always think for myself."

Natasha looked away, then, gaze out the window. I waited, wondering if they would say anything.

"Go on," Sam, the one with the wings, gestured at me. He added a quiet, "Please."

"I can only tell you what happened recently. Everything else is clear, but foggy at the same time, so I don't..."

"That's fine." Steve looked like he wanted to reach over, pat my shoulder, but he didn't move from Natasha's side. "That's fine."

"Alexander Pierce met with James and me. He told us to kill Nick Fury, and we tried. Everyone was screaming, and people were getting hurt – people who had nothing to do with it, who weren't the mission, but they were getting hurt anyway. It felt like... a slap. I warned Nick Fury of his assassination. He did something about it.

"Alexander Pierce also told us of HYDRA. I hadn't realized... I didn't know..." I paused, taking a breath. It had been a while since I had spoken this much at once. "I didn't know HYDRA was the one controlling me. Mr. Pierce told us about SHIELD and Dr. Zola, and it became very hard to trust the people who had done... all of this to me."

I stopped, then, because Sam had turned to look out the window as well. Steve continued to watch me, calculating or pitying I wasn't sure, but his gaze was getting under my skin. Slowly, I turned back in my seat, facing the windshield once more.

Agent Hill nodded, just slightly, a small smile on her face.

I hadn't told them about the memories hovering in the surface, the little girl with the blonde curls, the paint, the laughter, the forehead against mine. I wasn't sure if they were real, or if some were and some weren't, or if my frozen, shattered brain had created them all on their own.