all things left unsaid || bucky barnes

xii | glad you're here

2014 – the day after SHIELD

karina's pov

Visions of the night before swarmed my mind, and I could barely wrap my head around it. James was missing. Steve was lying in a hospital bed. Natasha was on the television, clearing our names.

I could find a life for myself.

Hope was already growing as I watched Steve's monitor beep steadily. It reminded me of his fall, of the fire that I escaped from only with Sam's help, of Rumlow burning, of Natasha putting on a fake face and revealing all our secrets to bring HYDRA down. And SHIELD with it.

The moment I saw James on the airstrip haunted me. I had been with Maria – we were on a first name basis now, that happens after you almost die together – watching the cameras, and there he was. As if I had never left him alone in Pierce's mansion.

But I knew something was off. The way he walked, the way his eyes glanced around, the way I felt like I needed to be beside him even through the cameras. The way his fingers twitched, as if they were reaching for something that wasn't there anymore. 

At the time, it had almost physically pained me to stay where I was. I would have been there, to help Steve, to help James, but we all had jobs to do, and I knew that Steve had wanted to do his. And he did, almost at the cost of his life.

Sam was sitting across from me now, his arms crossed and eyes closed, but I knew he wasn't sleeping. I didn't know how either of us could sleep after the day we'd just had.

The metal arms of the wheelchair were cold against my bare wrists, and I wished I could sit somewhere comfortably, but I wasn't planning on leaving Steve's side anytime soon. I wanted to be here when he woke up. I wanted to make sure he was okay. And I wanted to talk to him about James. About Bucky.

"Marvin Gaye."

I looked up at Sam, and he was looking me, eyes barely open.

"You heard of them?" He asked, shifting in his seat, uncrossing his arms, and leaning forward.

"Who?" I tried not to feel embarrassed, but I couldn't help it. I had missed so much time.

"Oh, no. I can't let you stay oblivious to their greatness." Sam pulled out a device from his pocket, tapping the screen a few times before settling on something. "Listen to this. It's called Trouble Man."

He pressed play, and soft music floated from the phone. Sam propped it up in a paper cup – "Makes it sound better, you know, the acoustics" – and we sat and listened to 'Marvin Gaye' for a few seconds.

"Good, right?"

I couldn't help but smile at him. It was catchy, and nothing like anything I had heard before, so yeah. It was good. "Yes. Not bad."

Sam returned my smile in satisfaction, about to say something else, when a quiet groan interrupted the soft lull of the music.

My eyes drifted to Steve, who was slowly waking up. He looked around the room, studying Sam before realizing that I was also beside him. A small smile toyed with the corner of his mouth, and he nodded at me.

"Glad you're here," He murmured, resting his head back on the pillow. He was comfortable. At ease. He trusted me, so I settled back into my wheelchair, and consciously decided to trust him, too.

"HYDRA was selling you lies, not intelligence," Natasha said calmly, her voice muffled through the sound of the TV in the hospital room.

"Some of which you seem to have had a personal hand in telling," The male voice responded. Natasha's face didn't change. "There are people here who believe, given your background, that you belong in prison. Not seated here, in front of us, talking to us as equals."

"You're not going to put me, or any of us involved in taking down HYDRA, in a prison. You need us. We are the only ones qualified to defend this vulnerable, dangerous world. So, if you want to arrest me – arrest me. You'll know where to find me."

Natasha stood up, and the cameras cut.

I leaned back against the hospital bed, feeling the pull of the stiches on my cheek as I smiled. Natasha had said it perfectly, and I was beginning to get used to the idea of being free.

Rumlow had done a number on me, but I was alive. That's what counted.

Staying alive was the most important thing. That's what I had always been told; that's all I remember being told. I was starting to wonder what other important things there were to life.

People in cars, driving to office jobs, buying groceries, walking their dogs, taking their children to the park. The friends laughing over brunch. The couple holding hands. Some day, would something like that matter to me too? Would I get the chance to think about more than just simply breathing?

Already, I could feel my priorities change. They had already been changing – molding to focus on James, and his safety, and his feelings. And then to Sam, Steve, Natasha, and Maria, and making sure they were okay, trusting them with my life.

One day, I would get to the place where I could care about other things. For now, though, I would focus on getting myself out of this hospital bed and outside, because it had been a very long time since I stood with my bare feet in the grass and the wind on my skin and felt like I didn't belong to anyone but myself. 

a/n:

it has been a while... but i'm back! apologies for skipping the action, but that's what has been putting me off for so long and i decided that it wasn't crucial to the storyline. maybe someday a bonus chapter can be made :)

anyway, it looks like karina likes Marvin Gaye? 

as always, endless love to you all and thank you so much for reading.

- lora