Until forever ends

Sixteen

Jayden is still asleep when I slip out of bed into the bathroom and take a quick shower. Today's outfit is light shorts, a black crop top and an oversized black and white flannel that was still hanging over a chair. I don't come at my dad's place that often so a lot of older clothing are still laying around. I wear the flannel to prevent my shoulders from burning. But thankfully it is wide and thin enough to let air through. I tie my brown hair that looks highlighted in this lighting somehow into a ponytail. With my converse in one hand and my phone in the other I rush down. I make a simple breakfast with yoghurt and fruit while cleaning up the living room. I fold the blankets and put the pillows nicely. With the final bite I write a quick note and put my shoes on. I put on a backpack and it's time to skate again. I grab my -that is actually Jade's but she doesn't use it- skateboard out of the shed and leave through to the backdoor.

The roads are still hiding in the shade but my god it's getting warm already. I skate through a small park in the neighbourhood. The path leads around a small pond and I leave the park on the other side. Continuing over a bridge towards downtown. My arms spread out and feel the breeze. The music in my headphones makes this moment even more peaceful. Almost forgetting every little thing that hurt me. I slow down to roll my sleeves up a bit and look at the scars. Never again. Never again would she be weak. Never again would she let a man tell her how to live her life. Never again would she faulter and break because she couldn't break, wouldn't break. "In order to heal we need to accept." My voice isn't talking to anyone, nor is anyone listening, She was giving herself courage and strength. But also freedom and acceptance. "Never again would I have to fear or fall. I will get hurt, again and again but I can do this. With him by my side I can embrace it. I can accept and start healing." The words come out as a whisper but it's filled with hope and peace. A big smile appears on my face as I skate onto downtown. The skateboard is stopped with my foot and I pick it up to walk the rest. It's a safety thing for the people around. And my own safety but honestly. I don't care if I live or die, I just know I don't want to hurt Jayden. And of course my family. I stop walking in front of the bookstore and go inside. I immediately go up the stairs and sit in one of the chairs by the window. It's peaceful, people sitting in restaurants or coffeeshops enjoying the late morning sun before it will be too warm to be outside. I take my phone out and words for a poem just come out.

Books give me hope and dreams, learned me lessons I could never learn in school.

These stories and characters, they don't take me for a fool.

Reading for me is like listening to the quiet in a world so loud.

Their words aren't just in the books, they're in my head coming from the characters mouth.

These books give me worlds to live in and lovers to love.
Characters so sweet and full of hope to broken warriors so tough.

Oh how I hate and love to have an story coming to an end.

Books have such an impact on people without ever having the ability to realise it. But no books nor stories could ever heal the holes people feel. The pain life causes people. Because well, life just sucks. Grownups are all like oh enjoy your teenage years, they will be the best years of your entire life but honestly. I hate how my life is now. If the rest of my life is just going to be worse what is the point of living. They may have been or are for Hails but I am not Hails. Before more dark thoughts can appear I quickly go to the bookshelves and run my fingers over some of the less fragile spines. My phone rings. Jayden. "Hey sweetheart!" "Hey. You were up early. What you up to?" "I went skating to downtown so I could visit the bookstore." "Oh! Well, see you at home. Thank you for cleaning up!" "No problem. See you. I love you." "I love you too." Jay hangs up and I go downstairs to the new books. My fingers trail over the leatherbound special editions. What I wouldn't give to own a full collection of those. But of course, they're expensive as fuck. And me being jobless I can't afford it. Then I feel something in my pocket from the flannel. With curiosity I take it out. But before I see what it is I realise what it is already. With quick pace I leave the store and rush to the park. I stand before the water, trying to decide what to do. before I actually realise what I've done I throw the blade out into the water. Screw you. I don't need you! I yell at the blade in my mind. You cannot hurt me anymore. Everything is done. I do not need it anymore. And then I realise some things with even more value. Something that will hurt and it will be hard but in the end it will be much better. And as long as I'm surrounded by the people I love nothing can break me. Nothing will be capable of getting me down. It won't be perfect but it will be real. As real as life itself can be. A smile forms around my lips while a couple tears of joy come down. I am going to do this. I will do this. I quickly grab my backpack to throw the rest out. But one last time can't hurt anyone right? And so I smoke my last joint even though I just promised myself to get clean.