It Starts Here / 𝗯𝘅𝗯 (✓)

9: Breakups and hesitations

CHAPTER NINE
Sixteen years old

Ares kissed Felix.

And now he's freaking out about it.

Which, to be fair, is an understandable reaction for him to have, thank you very much. Ares doesn't even like Felix that way. Well, at least he doesn't think so. He's never thought about it before. 

All Ares knows is that he brought up Ethan. Ethan and Felix: Together. He doesn't even know why he asked Felix if he liked them as more than a friend. He didn't really want to know. And when Felix told him that he wasn't sure; that they were a good friend nonetheless, Ares felt involuntarily relief.

Then he thought he might be homophobic.

Did he mind Felix dating Ethan? Liking them? And if he did, was that homophobic of him?

But Ares wouldn't call whatever he felt when Felix mentioned Ethan far too many times disgust. He wasn't even disgusted by the thought of them together. He just didn't like it. He just felt relieved when Felix denied Ares' thoughts and Ares didn't have much time to think about it before Felix was leaning over and joking that Ares would always be his favorite and something just clicked.

And he kissed him. Ares kissed Felix. 

It felt right, Ares wanted to say. Even if it was awkward, it felt okay. Ares was too scared to open his eyes to see Felix's reaction, so he kept them closed. He didn't even move his lips like Carissa in first year of high school had taught him to do before he felt Felix press closer. He hoped Felix didn't think it was like kissing a ghost. That would be embarrassing.

And then it was over. 

Ares removed himself from Felix in a fast motion, suddenly painfully aware of what he had just done (he kissed Felix; he kissed his best friend!). He thinks he might have widened his eyes because he watched Felix as he did. They were just sitting there, looking at each other with scared expressions as if they had done something wrong.

Ares didn't want to admit it, but it felt like they had.

"I'm sorry," Felix apologized—eyes still wide and unreadable—even though he had nothing to apologize for.

"I'm sorry," Ares echoed and wondered if he had. "I didn't—I mean—It's not—I'm sorry."

Felix blinked. Ares followed suit. Then they picked themselves up from the ground and left the newly built snowman in the backyard. Felix went back into his house without sparing Ares a look and Ares went back to his. He thinks he expected Felix to tell him to stay. He didn't, so Ares just kept walking down the sidewalk, not looking back.

They didn't speak the rest of the weekend. 

Well, of course, except for his birthday where Felix called Ares, but it was short and awkward, so Ares barely counts it as an interaction. 

When Ares saw Felix stand at the bus stop Monday morning, the snow on the verge of melting away, Ares wanted to apologize again. He planned out the entire conversation walking towards his best friend. Felix would ask him what the kiss meant. Ares would admit that he does not know. Felix would smile softly and say that they will figure it out together and Ares would not regret it. Ares would regret nothing.

Waiting for the bus, none of them spoke. Thirty minutes later, stepping off the bus, Ares found the courage to speak, but instead of bringing up the kiss, he told Felix that soon, Cass would come back home for a visit. That wasn't the plan, Ares screamed at himself, but Felix already looked at him like he didn't know what to say.