What Once I Was

Chapter 8

"If it was an accident why would you not phone an ambulance?" Ben asks leaning back into the chair.

"We panicked. We didn't think logically we just... we panicked okay?"

My heart is going to escape my chest I'm sure of it. No matter what way this goes, I'm going down for helping Robert hide her body. I'm going to prison. Unless. Maybe I can get a deal? I mean I've told them so much already. It's worth a shot.

"I want a deal," I watch Ben run his hands through his stubble, his eyebrow raised. "I tell you everything, I tell you where she is now, and I don't go to prison. I didn't kill her. I didn't want to bury her. He made me."

"I think we can arrange a deal. Leave it with me. Why don't you tell us what happened next," he pulls a wad of paperwork in a paper file from beneath the desk. The sound of rustling pages pricks my skin. "I can see an officer arrived at your house at.... 9am the following morning. Why did it take so long for you or your husband to contact someone?"

"We sat with Naomi for a few hours. We were both in such a state of shock."

"That doesn't explain the long wait. From what you've said it was her bath time so what, early evening?"

I swallow hard.

"Yes. She always had bath time at six pm."

"So that's," he counts on his fingers before returning his gaze to meet mine. "Eight hours before you made any phone call. If you sat with her for a few hours that would still leave at least five unaccounted for. What did you do in that time?"

My lower lip catches between my teeth. If I want that deal I need to tell him.

-----
It was around 9pm when Robert first spoke. His voice was quiet and shaky. He was paler than usual, his eyes void of emotion.

"We need to get rid of the body."

Naomi's head still lay on my lap. With her eyes closed, I couldn't stomach staring into them, she looked as though she were sleeping peacefully. As though when the light burst through the windows she'd bounce from her bed as she always did, demanding her breakfast as she jumped on top of me.

"We can't just get rid of her," I held her closer, as though doing so would sway Robert. "Maybe it's not too late. A doctor might be able to fix her."

"God damn it woman look at her! She's gone! There's not a doctor on this planet that can bring her back to us."

I choked back the tears that threatened to spill again. I knew he was right but I wasn't ready to let go.

"We need to get her out of the house. If we phone the police or ambulance now it will look too suspicious," he pulled himself up using the bannister as leverage. "There's a house I've been working on. The new owners aren't due to move in for a few months. We can leave her there for now."

I gripped Naomi tighter as he tried to pry my hands away.

"We can't do that! She's our daughter for crying out loud!"

My flinched back from the sharp sting that reverberated through my cheek. My hand covers the now warm and throbbing area.

"Pull yourself together. If you had just let it go and let me give her a bath none of this would have happened. It's your fault she's dead and you'll get your damn ass up and help me move her."

His words ripped through me. He was right. It was my fault. I should have just washed up when he told me no the first time.

"I'm doing this to protect you. If the police come here who do you think they'll believe. Me or the stay at home mum popping antidepressants every day? They'll lock you up for good."

I watched as he pulled Naomi into his arms, her limbs hanging as though she were a rag doll, and carries her towards the front door. I say nothing. I didn't have the strength in me to argue. Not when he was right.

We drove in darkness, trying to remain as inconspicuous as we could. The house Robert had mentioned was over two hours away by car. Far away enough, he had said, for when we would report her missing the next morning.

"Police won't look at a new off the market house that far away," he'd said as he pulled into the driveway. "Besides, we won't keep her here too long. Once things die down we can bury her properly somewhere."

The house was nothing special. A decent sized detached house with three bedrooms. The garden was freshly mown, flowers sprouting in their beds. Robert took care not to turn any lights on. Though he was sure there was no one living in the other house a stone's throw away, he didn't want to draw too much attention to the property.

"Where shall we put her?" I whispered, my eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness.

The inside was equally anticlimactic. The spare furnishings it contained were nice enough but not what I'd have wanted in a new building.

"There's a cellar over that way. We can put her in there for now."

I followed behind him, arms stretched out brushing against counters and walls until I felt a dip. A door. I note for the third time since leaving our home, the idiocy of us both for not thinking to bring a flashlight. The Motorola Razr - in hot pink like I'd wanted - that Robert had scrimped and saved to get for me had a dull backlight that proved useless.

I was thankful when both of us made it into the cellar without falling or dropping Naomi. It was empty except for a chest freezer stood in the corner.

"The family requested one be put in. It's not turned on yet but it'll do. I'll just cover the electricity costs until we can move her."

I stood out of his way, unable to bring myself closer. To help him contort Naomi until she fit in the small box's interior. I fought against the vomit that rises. The thud of the lid shutting closely followed by Robert brushing his hands together is almost the last straw.

Without uttering a word, I turned on my heel and flew up the stairs. I had just reached the car when vomit won the war. Retching until my stomach screamed in agony I almost missed Robert walking behind me.

"Pull yourself together. We've got to get out of here."

Hand over my mouth I cry, letting myself wail only when the car door clicks shut. Our daughter. Our little girl. Stuffed into a freezer and left alone. I couldn't help but feel uneasy at the thought of her seeing us, I'd always been a strong believer in the afterlife and souls of those taken suddenly remaining behind. I could feel her around me.

Life was never the same after that night.

-----
"How long was she in this house for before you moved her body?"

Gary sits visibly disturbed looking anywhere but at me.

"About four months. When the media hysteria over her disappearance and the police investigation began to die down we decided it was time to move her."

"And the cadaver dogs? Surely they would have sensed Naomi when they came in to your home if she died there?"

I shake my head. The police investigation had seemed thorough at the time. They spoke to our neighbours, our family members. Even Naomi's teachers. They'd searched every inch of our home. With no evidence and no leads coming forward people had stopped looking. It had gone cold.

"The cadaver dogs went through the whole house. They didn't bark or anything. Not once."

He flips through the paperwork again, nodding when he sees what I've told him was true.

"That surprises me. But nevertheless. So when you moved her body, whose idea was it?"

"It was Robert's idea to move her. It was my idea to bury her underneath the tree. The police had already searched the area so I figured it would be safe to do so. Why would they check there twice?"

Through the conversation Gary refused to look my way until now.

"Until you buried her again. What happened after that? Where is Naomi now?"